How do I get over this?

[ClaireH1988]

Can someone please give advice on how to move on from abusive ex?

I thought I was doing so well - highs of feeling ready to move on and happiness and then the lowest of lows. For the last week I’ve cried myself to sleep every night , I have so much anger inside and so many questions.

What if I’ve given up to soon?
What if it wasn’t that bad?
What if I never love anyone the same?
What if my next partner is worse?

How can I still love and miss someone who treated me badly and played with my mind?
I can’t see a light at the end of the tunnel - every way I turn just leads back to him. How am I ever going to move on?

These things take time. Be kind to yourself, you have come out of an awful situation, and it is only natural to feel this way.

The thing is, given up what though? A horrible relationship? Oh, what a loss.

Its important to get out of the mindset there was anything you could have 'done' to change him.

You don't have the power to stop an abusive man from being abusive.

Secondly, 'not that bad' ...in comparison to what? A sandwich with 10% shit in it is just as inedible as a sandwich with 90% shit in it. Neither are something you should eat.

I should hope you never love anyone 'the same'. Because what you had for him was not love. It was obsession and trauma bonding. No one truly loves a monster. At best, you loved a lie. The person he pretended to be in the beginning perhaps. And you can argue thats not love because its a fantasy to believe you love someone before you truly know them. And to continue loving the lie of who you thought they were when you realise it is not the case.

Your next partner will of be worse if you do not do the self work. That involves A. Learning to be comfortable single again. B. Spending a considerable amount of time learning how to spot abusers in future. And this needs to be an ongoing process throughout life tbf. And C. Learning to love yourself and trust yourself to have your own back in future. To remove these people at the first hint of a red flag. Hopefully before they make it to relationship stages in the first place.

You'll get through this op. But it'll take work.
You have work to do. No one can do that for you.

No one is worth what these people do to us. Know that one day you will be okay and at peace with the relationship coming to a close and you will be a happier person for it