Do many people feel 100% sure about leaving? Or are there always doubts?

[Martacus]

Is it common to feel 100% sure you need to leave a marriage or long-term relationship?

Or is there normally a bit - or a lot - of doubt that you should leave?

It would be interesting to hear from those who have left, almost left, and haven't left.

For me, sometimes I feel I'm strong enough to leave my husband, but it's not long before I am flooded with doubts.

Loads of doubts. Breaking up a family is not an easy decision to make. But with hindsight it was a no-brainer. All the things I worried about weren’t a problem at all.

I was 100% sure. As a person with serial indecision, I've never been so sure of anything before or since ( except the divorce)

It happened in stages for me.

I went through a long period of

1. Knowing I should leave but how/what about our son etc
2. Knowing that we weren't forever and one day I would walk
3. Knowing that no 2 was getting closer
4. Biting the bullet and doing it.

By the time I'd got to number 4, I have honestly never looked back, or been happier than I am now.

Yes, there were doubts. It wasn’t all bad. We were a terrible couple; we were terrible for each other; but neither of us were terrible people. I don’t think that’s an uncommon position couples find themselves in. But enough of the relationship was miserable, that ultimately I knew it had to end.

Once you’ve made the break it gets significantly easier. I was fortunate in a huge way in that in a moment of strength I took a job 300 miles away and then arranged myself a place to live there. Handed in my notice for the job I had, paid a deposit on the rental. There was no turning back. The first couple of days were hard, as any first days in a new life are. But I’ve never regretted it, for either of us. We’re both entirely different, happier people.

Lots of doubts for me as my marriage was very happy and good on the surface. Ex dh is a throughly decent man and loyal to the core. But he was very self centred and did very little to actively contribute to the day to day running of family life. And we grew apart in terms of our views on things like feminism and white male privilege. And ultimately weren’t making each other happy at a very deep level. I have no regrets about leaving. But I still feel sad we couldn’t make each happy at a very deep level.

No. I did have lots of doubts but I knew it was for the best. Haven’t looked back. Much happier

I've had two opposing experiences.
First marriage absolutely zero regrets. Didn't think twice once I'd found the courage. Pure relief.
Considering ending second marriage currently but plagued with doubts.
First marriage was abusive with a much, much older man.
Current marriage a long one (half my life literally) with many strengths and H with some fantastic qualities.
And while my instinct is that I'll have to call time, I'm crippled with indecision.

I have been in healthy relationships and then I have been in narcissistic relationships.

Healthy relationships: I don't remember going back and forth in my head about it and if I did I don't remember feeling in distress about that decision. Overall, the break up was healthy and mutual.

Narcissistic relationships: I vividly can recall feeling in distress and even more so when "weighing my options".

I left one long-term relationship because he wasn’t sure he wanted kids and I really did. It was so hard because I loved him so much but kids felt like a deal-breaker. More than two decades on, even though we are still friends, I see it was the right choice for many reasons (more than I knew at the time).

I went on to have kids with my now-former partner. Despite the difficulty of leaving when you have kids with someone, I felt 100 percent sure I wanted to leave. I was utterly miserable for at least half the time I was with I’m, and even if I never have another partner I will not regret leaving. But I also won’t regret being with him because if I hadn’t been, I wouldn’t have my kids, who are the absolute joy of my life.

This was me too. The 'long period' was very long, 11 years, but once the Stage 4 decision was finally made I never doubted it for a single second. 8 years later and I am sooo happy in my life, but so happy too that I didn't call time earlier. The marriage achieved a lot (financially and for the DC), the divorce was amicable and cheap, we both have enough money, we are both in happy relationships and we both have excellent relationships with our adult DC. Yes, I think he's an absolute bloody idiot and I disapprove of some of his choices, but so long as he doesn't cause pain to my children I give no fucks.

Whether you should leave and whether you are strong enough are totally different questions.
I had no doubts. My ex had tried to force me to occupy the ex-wife shaped hole in his life. And he had become very controlling, and his drinking had emerged as a problem. In short, I'd been had.
I was desperately unhappy and I needed to get ds away so he didn't have to travel in a car with a driver I was never sure wasn't over the limit.

Decision made. I knew what I had to do. Got a job, found a flat, told him we were moving south to work during the week. Then move became permanent.

I've never once regretted that decision.