Grandparent favouritism is upsetting me.

[Liverpoolgirl50]

My husband and I have a lovely 15mo DD. His sister also has a DS who is 2.5.

My MIL very obviously favours her daughters DS and it’s really hurtful. She spends more time with him, more money on him and overall just never stops banging on about it all. He is pretty much surgically attached to her and he cries when his mum tries to take him away. He wants nothing to do with his mum or dad when we are in a group, it’s all nana all the time, and she encourages it.

Now this was never an issue, because we maybe see them twice a month, (we live about 30 min away and his sister lives down the road from them), but we are currently on holiday with them all and my DD wants a cuddle with her etc but she refuses to put him down or let go of his hand in order to spend time with her - which upsets her. Which in turn upsets me, because I don’t ever want her to question whether she’s good enough.

My husband agrees that it’s irritating but thinks I’m over thinking it and that it’s his mum that will lose out on a relationship with her, but I’d rather he said something. Am I in the wrong? I don’t know why it hurts me so much, but it does. I want her to adore our DD just as much as her DGS.

She's in a difficult position though isn't she? She can't just shove the dgs off her lap, so I think you should allow her to play with them both at the same time.

This, also you can choose to complicate this or just get on with your life, I can find something a little odd but it does not have to become a thing it can be odd and exist alongside with normal life

My MIL favouritises one of mine over the other. So she doesn't see them.

Be glad that your DD will never scream and yell when you try to take her back from your MIL.

My DC (12) has grandparents like this. Had an unfortunate emergency where mil had to collect her from school last week. When I got there, my dc was being subjected to a slideshow of photos of the favoured child and an accompanying narrative of all the wonderful things they do together. My parent is equally bad. Surprisingly DC opts not to see them much any more

Try and move past it.
Your MIL will find it easier to play with your DC when her cousin is at school. Visit when he is elswhere.

Enjoy the family holiday just like it were the three of you.

It's going to be natural if her child sees the grandmother more anyway. Don't let it bother you. Focus on your parents instead and nurture that relationship. Grandchildren also often have their favourite grandparent too!

You get used to it.
My DDs can take or leave DH’s Mum and Dad. They have always favoured SIL’s DD and now her children.
They have missed out on the love of two of the most beautiful and talented young women on the planet, their loss!

It seems to me that your SiL has chosen to act as though your MiL is The (definitive) mum of the family, and mum to her child as well as to her. Its not uncommon and actual mums like your SiL benefit hugely from the help and freedom it gives them. And while your MiL would have done much better to discourage it, I can see that's not easy when both her own DD and her DGC want her in that role. So I think its unfair of those people who are laying it all at her door, calling her 'disgusting' and blaming it on her self esteem issues when she won't have created this situation all by herself, and its clearly wanted by her DD.
As far as your DC is concerned OP, I think you will need to accept that there is no way she will have the same relationship with her GM as her cousin. Just like her GM would never be allowed the same relationship with her as she has with him. But that doesn't mean it can't be a good one. Personally I'd be inviting MiL to see DD on her own rather than as part of the extended group and I'd tell her why too. If she doesn't take you up on it, then I'd agree you should distance.

I’m sorry to hear this OP. Unfortunately I can empathise, but it’s my own DM rather than MIL that treats my DD like this.
It’s blatant as well, like she has pictures of her DGS up all over the place and a token one or two of her other GCs.
”Token” is the word here though because it goes both ways. I make a token effort now out of a sense of obligation with DM, but I won’t go out of my way to force a relationship between DD and DM, because it wouldn’t be a healthy relationship anyway and I feel a duty to shield her from it. On the occasions where I visit with DD (11 months) everything I say gets compared with DSIS’s son. She also makes comments that I don’t appreciate about DD, that she “has a challenging nature” (she’s not even 1!). DD will come to pick up on this as she grows and I don’t want her around it to be totally honest. It’s hard enough for young girls to be confident and make their way in this world without starting out already feeling inadequate next to their male family members. My DM can save her toxicity for DGS as far as I’m concerned.
I should also say DSIS’s daughter from a previous relationship was always the favourite before, but now she’s entering the teens she’s been completely dropped for her younger brother. Poor girl. It’s a lot to go through at such a vulnerable age.

So don’t let this situation get to you too much. You don’t have to put up with it, but you can minimise the risk to your DD. At the end of the day your DD’s cousin will not do well for this unhealthy relationship, but the danger to your DD comes to her self-esteem, so keep it low contact for her sake. That way no one can ever say you’ve kept DD from MIL, but MIL has never met you half way to nurture any relationship with DD.

Oh thank you everyone - I actually posted this almost 6 months ago and things have improved ever so slightly. We do a lot more separately with them so they have 1:1 time with her, and I think where she’s now that but older and more interactive, MIL is finding it easier to play with her etc.

SIL is now expecting her second though, but that’s another story 🤣