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Original poster

Who is over-reacting? Me or him?

16 replies

nnaammeecchhaannggee99 · 19/09/2023 18:55

Name change for this one.

I was upset at something my partner said to me as a joke in a message. I'm feeling quite sensitive and out of sorts at the moment (new job, HRT etc) so it was possibly an over-reaction.

I told him on the phone that evening it had upset me. But that I also understood he didn't mean to.

I thought we would just move on from it, but he said he didn't want to talk any more (we were on the phone - we don't live together), as he didn't want to be walking on eggshells when talking to me.

I said I was very surprised as I thought I was just being honest and thought that we could move on from it, but he was adamant last night that he didn't want to talk any further.

He's now being uncommunicative today. We usually message throughout the day and chat each evening.

Am I in the wrong for (over?) reacting, or is he in the wrong for his reaction to me being honest? We've been together for 2 years.

OP posts:
MissConductUS · 19/09/2023 18:57

I think it's hard to judge without knowing what both of you said to each other.

CallmeDawnthen · 19/09/2023 18:59

Yes, need more info. "New job, HRT". Be kind to yourself. But defo need more honest info.

IfIHadAHeart · 19/09/2023 19:01

I had a relationship with someone like this. If I ever disagreed with him or was upset he would withdraw contact as “there’s no point if I’ve got to watch what I say around you”. It’s a way of training you not to challenge him for fear of then being ignored for days.

Freezingcoldinseptember · 19/09/2023 19:02

What was his idea of a joke op?

Certainlyreally · 19/09/2023 19:04

no idea - cant possibly say without knowing what he said

PerfectMatch · 19/09/2023 19:06

If you calmly told him that you'd found it upsetting, then I think he's in the wrong here. You should be able to tell him that without him sulking about it - if he doesn't know it upset you, then how can he avoid doing similar another time? I can't stand sulkers so I'd find this really unattractive.

evrey · 19/09/2023 19:07

IfIHadAHeart · 19/09/2023 19:01

I had a relationship with someone like this. If I ever disagreed with him or was upset he would withdraw contact as “there’s no point if I’ve got to watch what I say around you”. It’s a way of training you not to challenge him for fear of then being ignored for days.

Yes this was in hindsight, one of the 1st thing my narcissist husband did to stop me from challenging any disrespectful thing he ever did or said. It's called stonewalling.

Ringsofsaturnarebright · 19/09/2023 19:16

evrey · 19/09/2023 19:07

Yes this was in hindsight, one of the 1st thing my narcissist husband did to stop me from challenging any disrespectful thing he ever did or said. It's called stonewalling.

Show quote history

I agree with this and think you need to see this as a red flag OP.

If I got upset about anything my exH used to walk out of the room. Once I asked him why he said nasty things to upset me and he said "I don't upset you, you only upset yourself"
I think he had narcissistic tendencies.

Guard your heart OP and don't move in with him.

FictionalCharacter · 19/09/2023 19:21

IfIHadAHeart · 19/09/2023 19:01

I had a relationship with someone like this. If I ever disagreed with him or was upset he would withdraw contact as “there’s no point if I’ve got to watch what I say around you”. It’s a way of training you not to challenge him for fear of then being ignored for days.

This is very likely correct, unfortunately.

Olika · 19/09/2023 19:28

So if something he says/does makes you upset, you shouldn't tell him or be allowed to get upset because he is allowed to say/do whatever he wants? 🤦🏽‍♀️

GreyCarpet · 19/09/2023 22:15

As others have said, it's impossible to say without knowing what he said.

Eg if he joked that he wished you look like someone half your age - you're not over reacting.

If he made a light hearted quip about something innocuous and you've taken offence to that, you might be.

Context is everything.

GreyCarpet · 19/09/2023 22:17

His response wasn't good but then again, do you often get upset by things he says? Are your sense of humours incompatible? Is he deliberately trying to undermine you?

thecatinthetwat · 19/09/2023 22:20

It’s ok to say that something has upset you. The other person should be willing to have a conversation about it, at the very least.

Loubelle70 · 19/09/2023 22:31

evrey · 19/09/2023 19:07

Yes this was in hindsight, one of the 1st thing my narcissist husband did to stop me from challenging any disrespectful thing he ever did or said. It's called stonewalling.

Show quote history

Me too xx

baileys6904 · 20/09/2023 08:51

Whilst I appreciate other posters experience of 'stonewalling', unfortunately its a common behaviour without having the malicious undertone as well.

How many times have we said to kids, for example, to walk away from a dispute? Or men, instead of getting shouty or escalating a situation.

Personally I hate conflict, probably based upon growing up in an abusive household. Sometimes, in a disagreementi can feel overwhelmed with emotion and I physically feel like my head will explode and I have an urge to run. I'm not training anyone. I just can't deal with the situation at the time. It saves saying things I don't mean or being forced into an interaction.

Other times I'm fine and can deal with extremely difficult and sensitive situations

Different people have different coping mechanisms. It's not right to just clump them together as manipulation

gannett · 20/09/2023 09:57

I'm not sure either of you are overreacting. You both communicated what you felt and I don't think either of you are unreasonable (obviously don't know what was actually said, but your OP seems to imply he didn't say anything over the line, just something that hit you at a sensitive time). So you were hurt and he feels he's walking on eggshells - a bit of space from each other is exactly the right thing here.

Often when I've started being snappy at DP for reasons that are neither entirely my fault nor entirely his, we'll just take a bit of a break from each other. Do other things, talk to other people for a few hours or even a day, depending on the situation. That gives us time to sort our heads out, time for the general irritable mood to pass and all's well again.

That's different from silent treatment used to punish the other person, which would be a problem.

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