Is my therapist right? Am I a Dopamine'addict'?

[thistooshallpassIhope]

A bit difficult to explain but I will do my best. About 11 years ago I separated from my then husband. We had been together for about 15 years but after counselling we mutually agreed it wasn't working and agreed to divorce fairly amicably. We have kids who were young at the time so when he actually moved out I found it very overwhelming and started to see a therapist to get my head straight. She was helpful and after a few months I was better able to cope and stopped seeing her.

Fast foreword a few years and I started dating again. I met someone who I really fell for but he was untangling himself from another relationship and I was nervous. I felt very strongly about him though and went back to the therapist to try and get a handle on my feelings and whether I should give the relationship a chance. I saw her twice but felt she was hinting I was making a mistake getting involved with this guy so I stupidly decided to plough ahead and ignore the red flags she was trying to get me to see.

Anyway, I was in a relationship with him for several years which ended in him cheating on me. I was devasted but not entirely surprised as I knew he had done it in previous relationships. I went back to my therapist again as I was so heartbroken. When I described the relationship to her and how intense my feelings were towards him she said she thought I was one of those people who was drawn to the dopamine hit of intense, somewhat 'risky' relationships - that I wanted excitement and physical attraction and would probably never settle into a relationship that was stable, predictable and possibly a bit 'boring'. I was a bit taken aback by this. Of course I would like a drama free, stable relationship. My relationship with my ex-husband was pretty stable, up until the end. He was loyal and definitely wouldn't have cheated, but there were other, more mundane, problems that led to us divorcing.

So is she right? Are some people drawn to emotionally risky relationships due to some kind of dopamine high and will I never be able to enjoy a more settled, stable type of relationship? Or have I misunderstood what she meant.

I am going to ask her about it again but am interested in others opinions.

I think some people are looking for highly intense, drama filled relationships, but that’s a harsh judgement to pass based on one relationship ! Unless it’s not the first instance you discussed with her/him?

Of course there are people drawn to intense emotions. Dopamine is something we all like.

However - if you are doomed to have these rollercoaster relationships - i don’t think anyone can tell.

Rather than trying to categorise yourself - you can use the time with her to learn and reflect on what drew you into that sotuation

@Anya80 I think she thought my marriage was also 'intense' but I wonder if she has misremembered as it has been several years since I discussed it with her and I don't think of it that way. I have only had one other meaningful relationship when I was much younger. He was very nice and 'stable' but we were too young for it ever to go anywhere long term.

I had an ex who believed that intense drama filled relationships were a sign of passion. He alternated stable and volatile relationships and has yet to settle down.

It's hard to rationalise our behaviours unless we look closely at our childhood and other background issues that may have occurred. So whilst it may be true you are looking for some dopamine; it seems a bit simplistic! I would suggest there's an undercurrent of something else, maybe relating to your parents' relationship or difficult home background, even feeling worthless in childhood due to bullying or something. That unaddressed issue could be the reason you are replaying certain scenarios in adulthood e.g. getting together with inappropriate people etc. You might want to dig a bit deeper as to why you are playing out these subconscious patterns through inappropriate relationships. Maybe you don't really feel you deserve someone stable (subconsciously) and are setting yourself up for failure, for example.

Just a suggestion but oftentimes it's something that we're completely unaware of!

I wanted excitement and physical attraction and would probably never settle into a relationship that was stable, predictable and possibly a bit 'boring'. I was a bit taken aback by this. Of course I would like a drama free, stable relationship.

What you think you want (drama free stable relationship) may not be what you actually want. If that's what you really want you tend to find it.

Not saying this is you but seeking out unstable relationships can be a sign of Borderline Personality Disorder. Maybe worth having a look at some features of that to see if you identify with any of it.

Thanks to all for the thoughtful replies. I had a very 'ordinary' and happy childhood and a stable family. I am going to explore all of this a bit more with my therapist as there doesn't seem to be anything obvious in my childhood/past that would explain my poor choice of partners to date.

Well you did say you split with your exH for 'mundane reasons'. You say he was loyal and stable, but you still separated, so perhaps she is seeing that. Or maybe she is just seeing the highs that kept you in your last relationship for years, despite the red flags