If you've been wronged and have let go of the anger and hurt, do you feel you've somehow grown through the experience?

[tulipsanddaises]

My situation is that I've been badly hurt by a close family member (I won't go into what happened, as it's outing and not the point of this thread). I felt extremely hurt and angry, and it has taken a long time to deal with. Journaling, therapy and meditation have all helped. I've finally got to the point where I feel that to a large extent I've got rid of the anger and hurt. I can't say they're 100% gone, but I no longer feel as if I'm a seething ball of rage and resentment!

I would like it to be the case that having gone through this process of being hurt and then moving on from it, I have somehow learnt things and grown in ways that I would not otherwise have done. At the moment I don't know what those would be! If you've been badly wronged and have let go of the anger and hurt, do you feel that you have in some way gained from the experience - e.g. do you feel it has made you a wiser/stronger/more empathic person?! If so, I would love to hear about it!

By the way, I've not used the word "forgiven", as I've realised that I'm not exactly sure what it means. I don't know whether it means letting go of anger and hurt, or whether it means something else in addition to that. If you have thoughts on this, I'd be interested to hear!

Yes, to answer your question about feeling changed. I would never have chosen the experience and I still wish it had never happened. The changes that have occurred to me, however, I am very grateful for.

I no longer tolerate things I would have. I have firm boundaries and make sure my kids have them, too, especially with regards to what they expect from a friendship. I also trust my feelings and first impressions about people more. They are invariably correct.

I am glad I am not bitter. It took years of therapy and working through my rage and hurt to get there. I also don't know if I have completely forgiven the people who caused such immense trauma and pain. I think this has to do with the fact that their actions are still impacting others. However, I have accepted I have no influence over that, and maybe that is some sort of forgiveness.

I have been a practicing Buddhist for the last 12 years (having read a book "Buddha in Your Mirror "). It's a requirement of my faith to work on myself to let go of any negative emotion like anger, fear, greed, arrogance. I have seen many benefits and yes I have definitely grown as a person. I used to struggle with my temper (having grown up in a very abusive environment). Not any more. The reason I bring up my faith is because I feel it gives me structure and foundation and good company of fellow practitioners when I need to run a problem by another person. We meet regularly and when I see how much my fellow Buddhists have grown and changed for the better I can see more clearly how much I have changed and grown too. I hope it helps

Thankyou. Not hijacking thread. I think i need to buy this book xx

I left a 25 year relationship after several really horrendous, emotionally abusive years. My mental health was broken, I lost my job (direct consequence) and so lost my house. (I earned all the money, did all the childcare, did all the housework - I know, I know, I was like a lobster getting slowly boiled.)

Leaving, with our kids, was massively stressful but also a wonderful relief. Then, within a few months, my ex was diagnosed with young onset Alzheimers. Which may have explained a lot - I'll never know how much. But she has no one else to care for her (she'd driven everyone else away) so I had to decide pretty quickly whether I was going to help her or abandon her to the tender mercies of social care.

I chose to help, and to let go of my anger. It wasn't easy, and won't be. I don't think it's made me a better person. But it has made me release the enormous ball of rage that was boiling inside me for years. I can't afford to sit round slagging off my ex, however much she may deserve it, and that has actually been good for me and for the kids.

No, I’ve not “grown”. I actually think that term is a trite bullshit term offered up by pseudo psychologists

🤦‍♀️🙄

the things I’ve experienced in life where I’ve been wronged, but have learnt to let go ( yep, that’s what forgiveness means “willfully putting aside feelings of resentment toward someone who has committed a wrong, been unfair or hurtful, or otherwise harmed you in some way. “) have led to the following

1. continual management of my PTSD symptoms ( treated but constant wip)
2. a high tendency to react to heighten sense of threats that go with the experience of trauma in various situations over last 40 years of my life . people don’t always understand the more threats you experience the more your brain tunes in to perceived threats. I deal with stupid anxiety over the most ridiculous things
3. knowledge that I am less mentally resilient at age of 60 than I was at 20. And that I am not unusual in that. It is the ignorance of youth that we think we’ll get ”stronger” at handling it as we get older. We just get more used to internalising it as we get older and gain more people who are dependent on us for their own mental stability.
4. knowledge that no matter what shit people throw at us, it never, ever means we can deal better with the next bit of shit.
5. shit accumulates. the old shit rarely cancels out with new shit- in fact it often brings the old shit up again.

on the other hand I now know

1. Forgiveness is imperative for our own mental wellbeing
2. that forgiveness usually takes a long time, a lot of hard thinking and introspection about what happened and the possible reasons why the person behaved the way they did, to gain the acceptance needed to forgive
3. Everyone has their crosses to bear - and in many cases that can lead to the very shit they metted out. And most of time we have no real understanding of others crosses
4. we are all capable of inflicting harm on others by thoughtlessness, misunderstandings, poor communication, or a silly mistake, even where our intentions are good. Most people don’t set out to harm others - the social risk to us as humans is too high. We have a need to fit in, be accepted and liked. But we’re all very good at making a dogs dinner of it at times . Our best hope is to be aware of it, and apologise. it helps to have self awareness of where and when we’re most vulnerable to the possibility of harming others, even unintentionally.

I love to be saying that at the grand age of 60,I’ve got all this sorted and have finished “ growing” and can handle anything with my developed “ strength”. But that just isn’t how life works out for most people. Imhe people who think that, lack self awareness, are naive, and have had little shit to deal with yet,

Yes, I had similar experiences, and that’s why I posted what I did.

Yes I feel I have grown. In confidence, in my ability to spot passive and/or narcissistic abuse. In my ability to remove myself from anything that doesn’t need my involvement.
growth is such a wide and wild spectrum. But I don’t think you can go through real hardship and engage in therapeutic measures to deal with the fallout, without growing in many ways. Most if not all of this growth doesn’t have a yardstick by which to measure, so many people overlook their growth.

I used to lay awake at night worrying about people in situations that didn’t involve me. This was because in my family my role was the fixer. So in every aspect of life I became the fixer. My own needs and those of my partner and children were pushed aside while I “fixed” whatever issue some random was having.
I was exhausted all the time, in every way imaginable but I couldn’t stop. I was drawn to it and felt utterly without value without it.
these days I will listen and offer a shoulder to cry on but I don’t get involved, I don’t promise fixes and I don’t lay awake night after night in the grip of panic and worry.

I let most things roll off me and recognise that people have their own stuff going on and if they take that out on me I’m not responsible for fixing them and I’m not under obligation to continue a relationship with them. I move on with relative ease and their words don’t haunt me into trying to fundamentally change who I am.

I feel like I became someone I wasn’t and ended up in the end being the way I used to be before it all happened

@Appleofmyeye2023 christ, I've rarely read a post on here that's resonated as much as yours does today. All power to you.

Brilliant post, @Appleofmyeye2023. All of what you said, especially this:

I’ve been wronged, but have learnt to let go ... that’s what forgiveness means

Also this from @Puffintop:

I let most things roll off me and recognise that people have their own stuff going on and if they take that out on me I’m not responsible for fixing them and I’m not under obligation

I don't believe I'm stronger - and I'm less empathetic now or, I should say, less co-dependent. I'm wiser, for sure.

I realised I've always been something of a Stoic but managed to misinterpret that as "I can withstand anything", which, inevitably, bad actors exploited. I spent a year re-reading the texts of Stoic patriarchs, discarded the stuff that wouldn't be useful to me, and ended up with a robust philosophy that could (perhaps!) be summed up as "Don't them get to you" and "Fucked-up people fuck things up; leave them to it."

The only REALLY good thing I've gained from years of recovery is that I no longer need any external validation at all. It's very freeing.

I have had 2 members of family harm me deeply the most recent was the hardest as I love and care for them deeply . Getting past it was like going through grief . Pain , denial, anger but also feelings of massive betrayal. It has taken me a while but since I have absolutely let go of it I feel stronger and as if I have learned a huge lesson . It felt like if I can heal from this particular person hurting me I can get through anything. It has opened my eyes to how other people in my life behave and It has completely changed my whole mindset . I actually feel at peace.

Thank you for writing this. It really resonates. I used to believe in the old trope that " whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger ". Rubbish. What doesn't kill you breaks you into a million different parts in my experience and this can take years of therapy/ introspection to rectify. I also used to believe in " treat others how you want to be treated". Again, another useless and damaging message. " treat others how they treat you" would have far more beneficial. This weeds out the users and the manipulators and the bullies and it's a clear win for all the ' good ' people in your life as their kindness will be acknowledged and reciprocated. After decades of trauma my hypervigilance has increased and multiplied with time - I perceive everything as a threat. I wish there were some way to dial it down.

I've been saying, since a few years after the break up, that if I bumped into my abusive ex, all I'd have to say is 'thank you'. And it was horrible abuse. I was laughed at and mocked as I curled up in a corner, crying.

I learned how to respect my own boundaries, and that if something feels bad to me, it is bad for me, regardless of any fathoming out of who is 'wrong' or 'right'. I learned that if someone cares about my feelings, they will respect my boundaries if I state them, and that if they don't, it is my own responsibility to move away from them, not their responsibility to change for me. I learned that I am responsible for my own wellbeing, and I can't rely on other people to make sure I feel ok.

Thank you so much everyone for writing such thoughtful replies. Really helpful. There’s a lot here that I’m going to reread and think about, and I’ll order that book, @Tiredbehyondbelief!

Yes, I have let go and moved on. I know I am a better, kinder person. I won’t put up with sh1t now and step back when I realise things aren’t working for me.

it’s not selfishness, it’s self preservation.

You look after you.

Sending a hug.
x