What exactly is the silent treatment?

[Hollyppp]

Is it being completely silent to your partner and ignoring them 100% like they don’t exist or does being a bit cold, off with your partner also fall under this?
Me and DH both do the latter and I know it’s not healthy. I also don’t know how to get out of doing it when we’ve had an argument that’s unresolved and he refuses to discuss it or if we try to it becomes worse?
often we both stew for a few days (not healthy I know) then get over it individually and then resume normal life.
I think a bit problem is that this is never fully focussed or fixed and we just brush things under the carpet for a short while and rinse and repeat.
how can we get out of the cycle of being off with each other on a regular basis?

(tried couples counselling 2 years ago, did 6 sessions and DH stopped it saying he didn’t like the counsellor and we weren’t progressing)

It may have varying levels but it's a form of punishment and also a way not to discuss whatever the issue at hand is.

In my experience, it was usually there was an issue and that could be anything but there was no conversation of what the issue actually was. Any time would try to communicate and get to whatever the issue was I was met with rage about something else entirely. It was a constant moving of goal posts with no resolution, wouldn't look at me or general direction and would look away opposite to where I was if I moved.

Eventually they would up and leave somewhere else and refuse to talk or even acknowledge I existed. It didn't matter if I tried soon or later it was the same result, I wasn't there, I didn't exist. At some point that started involving the children where I wasn't allowed to interact with them and they couldn't with me. Would walk past me, talk and do things like I wasn't there and this would go on for several hours sometimes days. Until eventually poof all blown over, never happened.

Either way it's not healthy and whoever is on the receiving end feels worthless, doubts themselves and it turns your head inside out. Out of everything that was the worst in my experience.

Silent treatment can have as much power to hurt someone and make them feel worthless as shouting and name calling.

As a pp said, at one end of the scale which is milder (but still very unhealthy) it can be used to avoid confronting issues. Very often though it is used to punish someone as the person doing it feels resentment which has turned into contempt.

In answer to your question it can be anything from ignoring a person other than answering necessary questions right up to complete ignoring and refusing to speak at all and even refusing to look at someone. Like everything it has a scale but using this tactic at all is just awful and emotional abuse.

The silent treatment is the same as sulking. The person who does this is not emotionally mature, often insecure with low self esteem, and does not know how to resolve conflict in a healthy way and did not learn how to communicate from his parents.

The solution is to nip it in the bud early on in the relationship if possible. Call him out every time. Calmly tell him this behavior is intolerable. Force yourself and DP to remain on the initial topic ; he will try to derail it and get out of dealing with it. If either of you need time to calm down , take a break but try not to go to bed without resolving it.

This is all very difficult to do and takes willingness and learning on both parts. Healthy communication is the basis of a good relationship. Counseling should probably teach this. My DP and I still struggle with this after several decades (sometimes) and it causes so much unhappiness.

Goodluck .