#MeToo/Russell Brand reports - Feeling differently about yr own younger self

[LookingBackNow]

When I was younger (early 20s) I had a relationship with a much older married powerful man where I worked (not in TV before anyone gets too interested). It was v emotionally distressing, I was very in love and he was cruel sometimes and I spent years beating myself up about it. I never ever once thought he had done anything bad or inappropriate (in a power abuse sense, I mean I knew he was married & hated myself for that).

All the #MeToo reporting and the Russell Brand/Philip Schofield stuff recently has really made me look back at this differently and its grown over time with each newly reported allegations.

Put it this way, if I was an aware of an older man behaving towards a younger female colleague who had just started in the world of work, I would view it as power abuse and grooming. Although if you have two adults over the age of consent you can't 'stop' it, I think I'd try to do something - warn her and speak to him.

This man has remained outwardly happily married and I now wonder how many other women had the experience with him I did.

I don't know how much of it was really power abuse/grooming or how much of that revulsion I newly feel is to do with more recent reporting.

wondering if its jsut me or anyone else sees their youthful self differently now.

*Put it this way, if I was an aware of an older man behaving towards a younger female colleague who had just started in the world of work,

behaving in the way he did with me I mean

So you were in a concenting relationship with him . He was married . Obviously it was your choice , you could have stopped it any time you wished? . Have you always felt like this or are you being influenced by the media reports you are reading? . If someone had at the time pointed out to you that you shouldn't be messing with a married man , what would your reaction have been to then ? .

Sorry " them ".

I think a lot of women experience this. Looking back at previous relationships with the benefits of hindsight and experience they often look quite different to how they felt at the time.

I'm sorry he put you through that. There's little wisdom in youth, and these men take full advantage of that.

I never had a relationship with anyone at work, but as a temp starting out in the civil service in my early 20s (about 15 years ago) I was subjected to what would now be considered constant, daily, verbal and sexual harassment by a male colleague in his 50s. I sat across from him in an open plan office and he loved nothing more than describing in detail the violent sex he had with his partner, who was my age. He was into s&m - him being the 's' of course - and told me all about the flogger he bought to use on his gf in the bedroom.

He also used to muse on how indecent exposure laws were unnecessary, because if he wanted to wank himself off on a bus then he should be allowed to, and anyone who didn't like it was sexually repressed.

All my colleagues, who were considerably older than me, both male and female, sat within earshot, just let him get on with it. I also told HR about him, but they just wrote it down and I never heard anything back from them.

One time I'd had enough and told him I thought something he'd said was gross. He shouted at me that I was a man-hating feminist.

The next day we both got told off for arguing in the office.

Weirdly, he even dressed like a poundshop Russell Brand, with tight black jeans and greasy, long hair. He thought he was a real rebel because of all this, but really he was just another dirty old man.

Obviously it was your choice , you could have stopped it any time you wished? ? . If someone had at the time pointed out to you that you shouldn't be messing with a married man , what would your reaction have been to then

This is the kind of thing I mean. I did try to break it off with him repeatedly (because I was so emotionally distressed by him being married) but he did things like turn up at my home and refuse to leave until I let him in and then of course manipulated into having sex. It became v. difficult because of communal door, a neighbour letting him in and banging on the door. If you are young you are more self conscious about what people think. Now I'm older, I'd just let him carrying on knocking and tell the neighbours not to let him in. I was working with him as well still which made me more tractable. He would be really vile if I tried to end it also attacked me verbally accusing me of 'luring' him in the first place and making out it was all my fault.

I KNEW I shouldn't be seeing him if he was married. I cried a lot about it because it wasn't right and wasn't how I saw myself at all. He was a hugely powerful success and I think looking back I just wanted to be like him. I couldn't believe he was interested in me. He was telling me he loved me and like a mug I believed it.

I always saw it as true love and a free choice by me but looking back now I think it was nasty manipulation. It's what I mean. If I saw a young woman like me having a sexual relationship with someone so much older and like him, I would think that is not your free choice. There was a long lead up to it. him taking me out alone, being alone late in his office saying I needed to work with him and this sort of thing. It looks to me now like one long grooming session but I mean, I don't know any more if my view then was right or my view now is overly influenced by reporting

The other thing that has happened is that over the years I have seen one or two younger women get into similar situations with different older powerful men when I was a lot younger (lacking power to do anything). I also look back at them and think its the same. It's power abuse and one of the features of it is that the younger person feels they are making a free adult choice. Probably the same way that a 16 year old virgin going to sleep with 30 year old Russell Band felt at the time. It looks like a free choice but it probably isn't really because otherwise they wouldn't be there.

PP nails it
"he thought he was a rebel but he was just another dirty old man"

I see what you mean . You can say "NO" all you want but if this type of Man just keeps turning up and hounding you what are you supposed to do to stop him ? . The police don't give a shit and employers certainly don't have adequate safe guarding in place .

It's worse because he knew I rationally wanted to end it because I was unhappy he was married and it was causing me pain but he wouldnn't respect my choice AND he knew that I was likely to be weak because I was in love with him. It was another aspect of manipulation. It was some effort to pester me but once he'd found an opening not a lot of effort because I was in love or so I thought.

A nicer person (even if they were married and had started an affair apparently consensually) would respect a decision of someone so much younger and so upset and distressed about the lack of future in the relationship to end it. when I say distressed, at times I was nearly suicidal with despair about how earth shattering it all seemed.

Now I look back and see an unattractive much older man who I was only impressed with because he was confident and older and powerful. I wouldn't give him the time of day now if he asked me out. I can't believe that man who to be frank is fairly gross looking (not the main issue I know) had me feeling like I didn't want to live without him.