How to deal with toxic mother

[pengyquinnn]

I'm wondering if anyone has any similar experiences to share, on how they've coped with difficult/toxic parents. I'm sorry this is long, but after another argument I feel like I need to get this off my chest.

I can't remember a lot of specifics about my childhood, but I do remember an overriding feeling of walking on eggshells around my mum. She would flip out, sometimes over the smallest things and her way of 'winning' an argument would be to say something really hurtful and then tell the person they were being too sensitive.
An example of this is when we were really young and her sisters husband had passed away a few years previously. There was some sort of family argument about my grandmother providing childcare to my aunt's children, and I very specifically remember my mum screaming at my granny something like "oh X's little orphans getting priority again. If I had killed him myself I'd be out of jail by now"

Fast forward to now, and as adults if myself or my brother make any life decisions that she doesn't fully agree with, her response is to go in a huff, make comments that range from negative to downright hurtful and if we call her up on anything she goes into full on victim mode.

Once I asked her to please not give my 2 year old son so many sweet things to eat. This turned into her shouting about how I must hate her and think she's the worst grandparent ever, and how can I hate her so much after all she's done for me, and then she very unnecessarily threw in 'and who was the first person you called when the baby died??' (I had lost a daughter midway trough pregnancy 6 months earlier).

When I got engaged she apparently told my extended family that it wasn't a real engagement, it was just a 'Facebook status update' (I didn't even post it on Facebook!), when my brother and his wife bought a house close to his wife's job (as a teacher) rather than buy one near her like she wanted them to, she said she doesn't know why they would need to live close to her work because "she only works half the year".

These are just a few examples that stick out but there are so many more.

I booked my wedding recently and she's not happy with how we're doing it for various reasons, so keeps making snide comments. My bother, SIL and fiancé have all noticed this too - every time I try to mention a detail about the wedding she just snaps back with a negative comment and then sits there with a face on refusing to engage in conversation. This eventually resulted in myself and my brother both calling her up on it in a family group chat, and telling her how upsetting it was to me and that I would really like to have a better relationship with her but she's causing resentment to build up by being unsupportive. She again replied with how it's obvious that we all hate her but she's willing to wipe the slate clean and never mention it again. That's her solution every time there's an argument - she's never ever once apologised or taken accountability for her nasty comments or for being unsupportive, she just tells us we're remembering things wrong and we should all forget it and move on.

I'm just so mentally drained by it all. My dad used to back us up, but over the years it seems like she's just worn him down.

She talks about how we've all abandoned her because we both moved away (I'm a 1 hour flight away but visit home 3 times a year, and they visit her 2-3 times a year) and my brother is a 1 hour drive away. I know so many people who live similar distances or more from their parents but who have brilliant supportive two-way relationships.

Honestly if it wasn't for my dad and my children I think I would have cut contact by now, but that's just not an option.

Has anyone got a similar family dynamic? please tell me how you cope.

Its crap op have it myself. Keep your distance. I visit but thankfully not mid week as I work. You need keep strict boundaries with these people. She be over involved in my life if I let it. Moods if not her way or if family on holidays my list could go on lol. Feel for u its lousy

April 2023 "well we took you to stately homes" post on this thread loads of great support and advice on this thread

I've coped for years by trying not to engage too much. Like you, I stuck with the relationship for the sake of my dad and children.

After the final straw happening, my children (now teens) told me that they didn't like my mother either - as a result of the same behaviour that I disliked. And I realised that my dad enabled my mum's bad behaviour by always sticking up for her. So I have now cut her out of my life altogether. She brought absolutely nothing positive into it.

You manage her by dealing with her on a need-to-know basis. She doesn’t need to know anything about the wedding apart from date, time and location. She doesn’t need to know about your job, your health, your favourite tv programme, the dress you just bought etc. The more you tell her the more ammunition she has. You need to find someone else to tell this stuff to eg friend, SIL, anyone. It’s sad but what can you do? You want a close relationship. She can’t give you that. So just accept that and grey rock her.

Thank you everyone for your replies and sorry for everyone who’s been through similar.

@Sarahbumdaa ill have a look at that thread, thank you.

@redskytonights that’s so interesting about your children. My 7 year old is already picking up on the negative vibes. I’ve tried to shield him from it but it’s impossible.

I sent my brother a link to a website about DARVO and he said it was such an accurate description of her behaviour.

If your mother is too toxic or otherwise too difficult for you to deal with, it’s the same deal for your child too. You all need to stay away from your mother going forward and her willing enabler in the shape of your dad. Drop the rope these people hold out to you. No good comes from being in contact with your mother. You also need to grieve for the relationship you should have had rather than the one you actually got. It’s not possible to have a relationship with someone this disordered of thinking and it’s not your fault either she is the ways she is.

Do not invite either parent here to your wedding because she will certainly try and behave badly on your wedding day. Your dad has failed completely to protect you from the excesses of his wife’s behaviours so he cannot be relied upon either. He acts out of self preservation and want of a quiet life. Do read Toxic Parents by Susan Forward and read/post on the current well we took
you to Stately homes thread on these Relationships pages.

I am NC with my mother 6 month ago .She was similar to yours but mine is toxic attention seeking internalised misogynist. I had to stop seeing contacting her, my self esteem was so low with her. Vicious cruel. Go NC or limit it. Im 50..i wish id have done it years ago.

Sorry to see this OP, sounds so difficult. Sounds like when she's challenged on poor behaviours she goes from nought to 60 in a second😤

Hi I have dealt with it all my life I’m over 50 now and so tired of it I’m upset at the moment because she’s done the behaviour to my son He chise to go on holiday with his gf to spend time with her And she has been horrible He’s come away one will only have bad memories Feel so sorry for him And I wish I could have been there to protect him

If you won't go no contact, then the absolute minimal contact you can do is your only option. Your mother is likely a narcissist and that will never, ever be changing. Keep your interactions with her to a bare minimum and stop sharing any information of consequence with her. Basically, have a "how's the weather?" relationship with her. Don't provide her with ammunition to use against you.