He was an alcoholic, neglected DS, was emotionally abusive and violent. He hid it really well from me and told DS that if DS told he wouldn’t love him anymore. I only found out when I caught him out one day when I went round to fetch him early. The emotional abuse and violence shouldn’t have come as a shock, because he was like that to me, but I had no inkling he was doing the same to his child, and I also had no idea of his level of drinking. He lived with a female partner and I naïvely assume that things weren’t perfect but they were alright.
The day I went round and caught him so drunk he’d passed out. I said I wouldn’t send DS back again until he’ completely given up the drink. I had no idea about the other stuff at this point.
A couple of weeks later, something happened between him and his female partner and the police attended, I think she’d took off or something and he’d reported her missing. I think the story went that he was drunk and aggressive towards the police, this is very much in character for him, so they ran background checks on him, the female partner, and a couple of days later I had a call from social services telling me to keep DS away until they’d spoken to me. I told them I wasn’t sending him anyway due to his father‘s drinking.
S S. Came round a few days later, and told me that the female partner has a conviction, which I shouldn’t go into hear, but it means people look very carefully at her before allowing her around children. They said they’ve spoken to DS’ dad and they were happy that he was going to stick to two drinks when DS was there, and they were happy that the female partner wasn’t a danger, so I should send him again that weekend. I flat refused and said the only way contact was happening is if it was a specific trip, say to somewhere like the cinema, and that there would be no pub and no going back to his home. I offered his father this and he agreed, until the morning of the trip to the cinema when he rang me up moaning that he wasn’t taking DS because DS’ bedroom was a mess. DS hasn’t seen his father since and has absolutely no desire to, and his father hasn’t made any efforts to see him either.
The thing that really pisses me off is SS, and there pressuring me to send him to his father. When his father rang me to moan about DS’ Bedroom he said it was an absolutely horrible state, and if SS had bothered to go up and see it they would’ve seen it themselves and realized not all was well. They obviously didn’t visit or put any effort into making sure my child would be safe with his father, and instead just pressured me to go back on my decision not to allow him to go there.
over the next year or so lots and lots came out from DS about the way his dad had behaved and treated him. I was horrified, I felt so guilty, but I genuinely didn’t know it was happening, otherwise I would have acted.
obviously much much more went on, this is just the potted version, and it was all very ugly. Of course I had all the usual people telling me that a boy needs his father and it wasn’t fair for me to keep him away, that I’d do untold damaged to DS who would then blame me blah blah blah. Ignore them. Look at all the damage me trying to facilitate DS relationship with his father did, even while all the time DS‘ father was trying to control me, then threatening and verbally abusing me if I didn’t comply. It’s taken me years to undo some of that damage, and I’ve had to work really hard with DS to try and mend things for him, and equally as hard on myself to try and mend things for me.
all this took place in 2017, DS was upper primary school age. His father has made one very half arsed attempt to contact him since, through me, because we’ve moved away and he doesn’t have DS’ number. In reality, he was just trying to get to me, he only mentioned DS once. He actually tried to call another family member of mine a couple of days later, because he got short shrift out of me.
DS doesn’t want anything to do with him and has a very low opinion of him indeed. I think inside he still feels torn, because obviously he’s his father but DS can’t forgive him for what he did.
of course he doesn’t tell it this way though. According to him, he loves and misses DS and it’s his evil ex-wife whose kept him away and turned him against him.