Just been called venomous

[notsogood3]

I'm not allowed to speak to my partner in a way that conveys any level of 'negative vibes' as it shows a lack of respect, apparently.

I've just tried to tell my partner that talking to our young toddler like an unreasonable teenager when she's completely dysregulated from being up a lot of the night both teething and unwell isn't going to comfort her. I said it in a matter of fact way, I didn't dress it up with niceties but I wasn't say it to be critical either, I just "said it" over the sound of a screaming toddler, if that makes sense.

Cue "why are you talking to me like that", "I don't talk to you disrespectfully like that", "you're taking this out on me" and referring to me as being "venomous". That last part has legitimately left me shocked and angry. He now expects me to apologise.

For context, this is a man whose subconscious, unresolved anger issues bleed into everyday life (gesturing and verbally swearing at other drivers, telling our cats to fuck off, generally carrying around an air of having a huge chip on his shoulder). There's a lot more I could say but I don't want to bore people with details. It was the sheer hypocrisy of him using that particular word when it has perfectly summed up him that I have needed to have a vent about.

This is no way to live and the harm being done to your daughter will have a huge impact on her life.
Would separating be an option you would consider?

I really do worry most of all about the impact this will have on her. She doesn't seek comfort from him whatsoever, which he blames on us extended breastfeeding and co-sleeping, and the fact I have always tried to comfort her when she needs it (she's a sensitive child and it's what feels right to me) rather than any of his own contributing factors. I've tried to explain my views on parenting (to meet with what I was led to believe pre-children were common values towards parenting) to be met with "I'm not interested in hearing about any science or opinion, it's not the way I would do things so I don't want to know", or he says I'm "telling him off". I've also tried talking to him about his underlying issues, which he admits exist, but he is unwilling to address them; I'd like to say at present but they have existed for most of his life from my understanding.

Separating isn't really an option at the moment, financially or logistically.

Have a read about DARVO and see if it resonates

https://www.google.com/amp/s/metro.co.uk/2020/06/13/guide-darvo-gaslighting-response-people-give-when-called-bad-behaviour-12847680/amp/

If so you might want to consider if this os someone you want to bring up your daughter with.

Well, I'd be getting into a position to leave him.

Because I don't thinki he's abusive because he's angry. I think he's angry because he's abusive.

I was with someone that when he got angry, would just sulk, ignore any questions I asked, pull bed covers over his head, stay in bed for a day, and then when he got up, he'd under his breath swear at our lovely old dog. We had kids and he was in his 40s.

I felt so uneasy all the time. Could kind of tell when he was going to be in a bad mood, so would be extra nice. If I said "you're quiet tonight" I'd get back silence or "don't tell me what im feeling!" I'm not sure if that is darvo, I've only recently ever heard of it, but it's a very hard way to live.

I may aswell say for transparency, I'm still with him. I will be name changing after this post. Probably relevant, we had a stillborn son 12 months previously, and I carried so much guilt, but he was just there for me, didn't speak about our baby himself, just kept quiet.

I got to the end of my tether, bagged up his shit and kicked him out, quietly while he was out and the kids were at nursery, sent a text to his brother where I dropped.his stuff off and that was it. I literally did the mumsnet instant LTB 😂

when we spoke again a day later, I asked him what he'd do if anyone else treated me like that or Spoke to me like that.

He's never done it again, and went to the gp and got some counselling and antidepressants. I know normally couples don't come out of that, but this was five years ago and he's never been a bastard since. Still a pain sometimes,.but I'm not walking on eggshells, ever. He's calm and kind, just like when I met him. Sorry for the essay ❤❤❤

You need to find an option ASAP because living with him is having irreversible adverse affects on her brain wiring and emotional development.

He just sounds horrible OP.
Angry, conceited, thinks he's a big man god, the whole word owes him respect.

I just don't get what the attraction is about these men/people.

Apart from anything else it sounds dull, soul sapping and just boring, going round and round and round everyday with this man who is right, and angry, and a bully every day.

If separating isn't an action and you can't respect him (that might be his fault) I suspect you all would have a better life if you told him off less.