Complicated fucked up families & grief

[marshmallowdreams]

I have had a recent traumatic close family bereavement (other threads are available). My family is complex and dominated by an emotionally abusive (now) old man. He is currently on course to destroy particular family members in the lead up to a very difficult funeral. How do we cope and manage this situation? The death has brought up a host of memories and issues. We are distracted from the tragic current situation where we need to focus on our loss to hideous family dynamics.

Who is organising the funeral?

If you are doing it, don't involve this man in the planning of it.

If youre not organising it, don't try to "support" him in organising it in any way. Leave him to manage by himself.

This sounds very overwhelming. However it is not uncommon - I say this not to diminish the difficulty but just to offer hope that you can navigate it and get past it.

Is there any chance you could arrange some counselling support for yourself during this period to give external perspective? Or do you have good friends you can offload to?

WRT the family and the funeral, it depends what your role is and how the whole picture fits together.

I think my primary suggestion would be to focus on self care. Accepting you can't change the behaviour of others is important - you're not responsible for the overall dynamic. Can you set aside time to focus on your own grief and other feelings?

Also set your own boundaries around when you won't be contactable, even if just a couple of hours each day, you can block people to give space to breathe. Slowing yourself down and responding more slowly can help to stop things escalating.

Sorry for your loss

@Dacadactyl the funeral is not being organised by our side of the family. The man is however dominating everything.

@MidnightOnceMore great advice. We are trying our very best to self care but the man is firing shots and manipulating everything. I'm particularly worried about another elderly relative and the man's object of hate is really struggling.