Abusive relationship (cheating)

[catsandplants]

So i posted on here last week saying i was worried how angry my partner gets - turns out the anger (which had resulted in a punched wall once, a kitchen surface once and a stirring wheel) was due to the fact he was cheating.

For back story - met my partner on tinder (both 20s and had previous long term partners) he was a red flag from day one but i never saw it.

He told me he loved me when drunk 2 dates in, asked me to be his girlfriend the next day, would keep telling me he loved me even though i wasn’t ready to yet. He ended up moving in with me and my flat mate within a month and we begun to pay for stuff for him as he had left his job - selling a story of him hating it and having these awful ex’s who had cheated on him and left him in debt. His parents would often rant about his ex’s which seemed to verify it all.

There were a few red flags to begin with - a girl he dated around the same time as me messaged me to state that he had called it off with her to go for me and he admitted he went on a date with both of us on same day but chose me - i shrugged this off as it was a quick turn around for us both. I also caught a text from his ex - which he vowed after he would block her

From then on he lived with me and filled me with confidence, he would be so loving and kind and convinced me we were forever. He was always shadey with his phone and sometimes I wondered what he did all day as he had a month off work and was living at my flat - he would sometimes not text me for a few hours and claim he was napping but nothing crazy. One time i thought i heard a girls voice in the back of a call but he swore it was the TV.

I got pregnant 2 months in and he then began to become toxic - stating he would move home or unalive himself if i kept it so sadly i didn’t.

i then ended up on stress leave from work as deep down i could just tell he was cheating but i had no proof and everyone loved him so i put it down to my anxiety and changed jobs. He also finally took a new job and would regularly tell me that of course he wasn’t cheating - why else would he get a job where I live if he was? He was planning for us to be together always.

There were a few more incidents such as a time he made up a story about wanting to meet a friend and when i caught him out for lying, he claimed he just wanted a day to himself and then cancelled this all together. I also called him out a few times on following random only fans girls and it took us 3 arguements for him to stop.

Around this time he began a hate campaign against my flat mate - convincing me that he was perving on me - eventually we ended up moving out so now it was just me and him in a flat away from my friends.

At this point he became less subtle, he went AWOL one night claiming he was depressed but turns out he’d left his phone at his dads so I couldn’t see his location and I later found out he was at his ex’s.

He also would have baths and toilet trips that spanned 3 hours and near the end he would run the tap the whole time and have a full bath but come out bone dry 🤔

I caught him messaging twitter girls near the end of our relationship and he swore to change but then 2 months later (this week) he randomly breaks up with me so i investigate and find out:

1. he cheated on both ex’s (he swore they both cheated on him) and then told everyone they cheated on him and made them lose their friends. He cheated on them both with over 100 girls online, paid sex works (online) and their friends, along with his co worker
2. He had never not contacted his ex when with me and regularly messaged her and slept with her once or twice at the beginning of our relationship - he would also turn up sometimes (this was rare) and kiss her - she would push him away
3. He was paying for sexual content (which he still denies despite me finding the bank statements)
4. He was sexting girls and asking them not to tell me
5. He owes me and my flat mate in excess of a grand which he is now threatening not to pay for his car repairs

He is claiming to me that he loved both me and his ex and just couldn’t get over her but i know he only broke up with me as his ex had blocked him and he was about to get caught

I was also shown that he was pestering my friends and trying to flirt with them (which i didn’t believe at time)

Currently he is still in our flat, basically telling us all he wants to be alone and i have ruined his life by telling the other girls and finding out what happened and is threatening to not pay us back. He apologised to me yesterday by stating ‘you won. I’m sorry’ and stated if i damaged any of his belongings he wouldn’t give me back a penny. He has also deleted or cleared all his socials. He is still saying he just wants his ex back and i think she’ll go back despite me telling her all the stuff he made up about her - this hurts me and i don’t know why

All in all - how do I begin to accept that he was abusive and stop thinking of the good times (as he was very loving and we had fun but i know it was a front) Just very traumatised and feeling like i’ll never find a decent man

Jesus, sorry you're going through this.

It's hard but those kind of people do not change, they are compulsive liars, manipulative and suck the life out of you but then blame you. In my experience it does not end, it gets worse, especially after marriage and children.

The whole relationship lie is hard to swallow, it doesn't seem possible and it's cruel. Just know that it's not you and there will be someone out there that is good to you. The key to getting that is to remove the toxicity from your life and understand it is them, that is how they work.

If it was me, although it's rough I wouldn't even bother with the money. He's using that as leverage, take it on the chin and cut him out.

I think you need to reflect on why you didn't see, or why you ignored, all the massive red flags. It sounds like they were there from day one. He's clearly an absolute scumbag, and he played you for a fool from the very beginning.

I just wanted it to be my anxiety and he’d often tell me it was - i also have ADHD just to add so sadly i can struggle to read people and he was good at playing off my doubts as my ocd/adhd or the fact my ex before him had cheated (this was one occasion early on - we were 20 at time and he didn’t do it again)

You've admitted that the red flags were there but you carried on and entwined yourself with him.
Cut him loose and let him go.

You're ranting about all the things that you feel are wrong with him so why stay with him?

Tell him to leave. He brings no joy to you.

also sorry just to add - we have now broken up!

It's something you need to understand in yourself, I'm the same and I'm figuring that out now but ultimately I think I was the perfect target in that sense. Im a guy and I was young, fell into it, I had no self esteem or confidence, anxiety and quiet. Through this I understand myself more and I'm working on it. I won't let that happen again.

All that matters now is you see it for what it was. May have been good times but do they outweigh the bad... unlikely. Lesson learned, can't undo it now or go back cut can change going ahead.

There will be better men out there but now you've been through it you can spot the signs and next time don't ignore them and set boundaries.

Well that’s the best news. He has left your property hasn’t he?
Have you looked at something like the Freedom programme? I think it’s considered a bit old fashioned now on MN but maybe someone will advise .
It will help you be more prepared to see any red flags in the future.
Good luck for the future.

Sadly no - i left and am at my parents - he is stating he cannot pay the rent and is depressed because i’ve left him with the flat (it is opposite his brother flat so mentally i could not live there and is 1 bed so I couldn’t even find a flat mate)

So glad you're finally coming out of the fog and seeing this total shit for who he really is.

'You win, I'm sorry' tells you all you need to know really. That he sees you two as being at war. And that he actually, isn't sorry, he's just spittung it at you because he thinks it's what you want to hear. And, because he wants you to feel like you're the one being unreasonable.

If you haven't already, speak to the letting agent and see about getting your name taken off the lease.

Assume that you will never get a penny from him. Go forwards with the focus on not losing more money. Make sure you've taken your name off any bills for the flat ect...

You'll get through this.
Do not engage with him.

The playing you off against his ex is called narcissistic triangulation.
It might help you in the coming months to learn all you can about narcissistic abuse. The more you see him for the vile beast than you are, the easier it'll be to be rid of him. But seriously, block him if possible. Maybe come of social media too for a while.

Then, one day, probably sooner than expected, you'll wake up and find you are fucking relieved that you've got shot of him. It'll probably take you by surprise. To be able to wake up and not be walking in eggshells anymore is such a relief.

You'll get there.

Ps: if the entrance to the kitchen is not through the living room, then the living room could ve used as a bedroom if he'd needed to take someone else in to help pay the rent. He won't of course.

Alternatively if you took back the flat, you could sublet maybe? Contract wise it might not be possible....but you could ask your estate agents. Tell them the situation.
Or maybe they'd let you break your lease early.

Tell them he's abusive and you don't think he'll pay them and it might be less hassle for them to let you out of the lease early. Though...then you might have hassle getting him to leave...

Buy basically I'd be doing all I could to protect myself. Because it sounds like he's going to stiff you on the rent.