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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Don't know how to handle this???

16 replies

Ami454 · 18/09/2023 17:47

My boyfriend is a struggler. We live in separate homes and he's a great bloke but has alot of mental health problems. It runs heavily in his family.

Hes poor with money. Hich is One of the main reasons our relationship is still 2 homes. He earns great money. Blows it all. Doesn't save. The nature of his job means he's in and out of work and I've told him again and again to put x amount away each week..

Anyway hes not currently got work lined up. He's been down all week. I was at him the morning after to get his arse down the job center and sign on/ ring around for anyone needing him..he snapped that it was only 9am and he didn't need me starting. All week he's not tried because he's down. I can see it in his face. It's so frustrating because he's not bring productive.

Anyway rents due tomorrow and get only just applied for a hardship loan today. A charity I've contacted said it will take 3 days for the rent..

He's phoned me this afternoon saying there's no point in life. He's got nothing to live for. He's cracking up again.

I've been in tears trying to tell him what he needs to do to help himself.

I am exhausted by this. I dont know how else to help him.

He's just complained we never do anything together yet he spends all his money so we can't. He's also said he doesn't want me today because I'm annoying him.

What causes this behaviour in a man in his 40s.

OP posts:
ConnieTucker · 18/09/2023 17:52

You're wasting your life. And it is an absolute joke he is getting a hardship loan. Ridiculous:

Frogger8395 · 18/09/2023 18:14

I've been in tears trying to tell him what he needs to do to help himself.

Is he stupid? Doesn’t he know what to do? Why on earth are you tying yourself up in knots about this? It’s his responsibility.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 18/09/2023 18:17

You need a partner, not a project nor a fixer upper. Why are you with someone like this man at all?.

What are you getting out of this relationship now?.

You are his rescuer and or saviour here and neither approach works.

Olika · 18/09/2023 18:21

Personally I wouldn't have patience for this.

Tilllly · 18/09/2023 18:23

What is he spending on?

He sounds very immature

Frogger8395 · 18/09/2023 18:23

You sound like his mother op. My 10 year old can manage his money better than your red flag.

The rescuer always becomes the persecuter.

fiddlesticksandotherwords · 18/09/2023 18:24

You cannot help him. He needs to do it, and if he can't then he needs professional healthcare support.

He is not your responsibility. If you think that he may seriously harm himself, call the police and ask them to go and do a welfare check. It is not down to you to help him sort his life out.

YOU CANNOT MEND HIM. It is pointless trying and for the sake of your own mental health, you have to stop trying. He has to do it for himself.

edited for typo

DatingDinosaur · 18/09/2023 18:34

He's never going to take responsibility for and learn from his own actions all the time you're doing it for him. Stop.

Aquamarine1029 · 18/09/2023 18:40

You are your own worst enemy. What makes you think you are in any way able to fix this man? You haven't been able to so far and you never will. Honestly, why are you choosing to have this bullshit and dysfunction in your life?

What a waste of your own future and potential. He is nothing but an anchor around your neck and it's very, very sad you are opting to live like this.

pictoosh · 18/09/2023 18:45

Wanton arseholery I think.

You are selling yourself short. You can’t fix him or make him see the light. He sounds like hard work you don’t have to undertake.

Watchkeys · 18/09/2023 18:45

If you don't know how to handle something, sometimes the best thing to do is to stop trying. You're trying to fix someone else's mental health and attutude: why do you think you're the one who needs to fix that, @Ami454 ?

SofiYol · 18/09/2023 18:46

You’re setting yourself on fire to try and keep him warm.

You can’t fix him, you shouldn’t even want to fix him. The only person who can fix him is him. If you carry on down this road you will absolutely destroy yourself.

samestyle · 18/09/2023 18:55

It's waste of time trying to help, he's in his 40s not a child, only he can change himself , sorry but he sounds like a loser, find someone to level up with.

Gymmum82 · 18/09/2023 18:57

He knows what to do he just doesn’t want to. Leave him. This will not get better. You are wasting your life trying to help someone who doesn’t want to be helped

Ami454 · 18/09/2023 19:52

Thank you for the replies. I find it so frustrating and it definitely feels I'm.selling myself short. I'm at a loss. I guess I need to click on that this is what he's choosing. I'm.powerless and it's not my Job you are right.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 18/09/2023 20:06

Ami454 · 18/09/2023 19:52

Thank you for the replies. I find it so frustrating and it definitely feels I'm.selling myself short. I'm at a loss. I guess I need to click on that this is what he's choosing. I'm.powerless and it's not my Job you are right.

Then end it, right now. You walk away from this absurdity with just a text message. Stop wasting your life on this loser.

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