Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

‘Daddy’s always angry with you’

25 replies

Barneyispurple · 18/09/2023 15:59

My DD said this to me last night. I’ve known things were bad and have been considering splitting but actually thought I should stay for the kids - but this really shook me…

OP posts:
NisekoWhistler · 18/09/2023 16:00

I'm sorry they've said this. How old are your little ones?

Original poster
Barneyispurple · 18/09/2023 16:04

Thank you. DD is ten and I have an older DD too. I knew they weren’t oblivious but I found it shocking somehow. She also asked me if we were getting a divorce.

OP posts:
Anon19902 · 18/09/2023 16:15

If things are bad and your child has noticed, its time to seriously reasses your relationship for the sake of yourself and your children. Set an example for your child and leave if that's the healthiest and best for you and your children. Consider the possibility that she's brought this up because she no longer sees her home as a happy/safe place anymore.

Pinkbonbon · 18/09/2023 16:16

'You know what love, you're right. I'm sorry that you've had to see this. And yes, I think we should. I love you very much and that'll never change. But we shouldn't stay in relationships that make us sad, don't you agree?'.

brightdayloomingdark · 18/09/2023 16:19

Pinkbonbon · 18/09/2023 16:16

'You know what love, you're right. I'm sorry that you've had to see this. And yes, I think we should. I love you very much and that'll never change. But we shouldn't stay in relationships that make us sad, don't you agree?'.

Jesus Christ! Do not say this, under any circumstance. Asking your child to agree that their parents should split up is beyond appalling. Do not put that on your child! Its cruel and unfair. This is an adult decision that is on the adults alone. Do not place this on your child.

I'm genuinely appalled at this suggestion. Jesus!

gotmychristmasmiracle · 18/09/2023 16:22

Don't stay for the kids!

Lovemusic82 · 18/09/2023 16:24

Never stay for the kids. My parents did this, the atmosphere in our home was just awful.

Mariposista · 18/09/2023 16:27

Kids are intuitive aren't they? And they see and hear everything.

bonzaitree · 18/09/2023 16:28

Lovemusic82 · 18/09/2023 16:24

Never stay for the kids. My parents did this, the atmosphere in our home was just awful.

I second this.

The atmosphere walking through the door was like walking through treacle. Honestly, it was fucking miserable.

Their communication was non existent and the openly seethed with resentment at each other.

Don’t do the same!

bonzaitree · 18/09/2023 16:30

Mariposista · 18/09/2023 16:27

Kids are intuitive aren't they? And they see and hear everything.

Intuitive?

Why are parent so deluded to think that kids cannot pick up on blatant disregard for each other. It’s flipping obvious a NT 10 year old would notice that.

Daft to think otherwise.

Redlarge · 18/09/2023 16:30

Leave. Show them how this is not a healthy example of a relationship and how you and them can live in a home thats peaceful and not full of hate from one party.

Pinkbonbon · 18/09/2023 16:31

If she's old enough to know the living situation isn't healthy, she's old enough to have an opinion on if it should end.

Of course op has to make it clear its her decision to leave. You don't want the kid feeling responsible. But I think its very important to afirm children when they recognise unhealthy behaviour. And to confirm that leaving toxic atmospheres is a healthy solution.

Tessabelle74 · 18/09/2023 16:31

NEVER stay for the kids! Trust me, we know when you argue, even if you think we're asleep, we know when there's tension even if you think you're both behaving like you're happy. Living on egg shells all the time is fucking horrible and you shouldn't think your kids are happier because you're together. They're not! My parents should have split up years before my Dad eventually ran off with his second mistress, my mum put up with his shit for us and it breaks my heart to know the pain she lived with thinking it was making our lives better when it really wasn't!

Redlarge · 18/09/2023 16:32

bonzaitree · 18/09/2023 16:28

I second this.

The atmosphere walking through the door was like walking through treacle. Honestly, it was fucking miserable.

Their communication was non existent and the openly seethed with resentment at each other.

Don’t do the same!

Show quote history

This is so sad. My kids know their dad hates me because hes been physical to me in front of them and has told them enough times he hates me.
We have not been together for 6 years and whilst im not perfect i know their view our home together as safe and calm and their friends are always welcome. It might be messy but its full of love. Im sorry you had this experience. X

BoohooWoohoo · 18/09/2023 16:36

If it's so bad that your child has noticed then you should leave. Not leaving risks your dd following your footsteps and tolerating relationships where their partner is always angry at them.

When this topic comes up, children always say that they wish that their parents had split. It's a terrible burden for them to bear and they say that they knew that their parents didn't love each other. Living in a family will anger and sadness isn't the foundation for a happy childhood.

bonzaitree · 18/09/2023 16:39

You’re right it is really sad.

I get on well with them now (separately!) as they’re much nicer people.

But I think adults forget that time seems longer when you’re a teen/ kid. So « a few bad years » seems like fucking forever.

i left at 18 and never went back!

BonnieLisbon · 18/09/2023 16:41

Lovemusic82 · 18/09/2023 16:24

Never stay for the kids. My parents did this, the atmosphere in our home was just awful.

Same. It was hideous

AttilaTheMeerkat · 18/09/2023 16:42

"Thank you. DD is ten and I have an older DD too. I knew they weren’t oblivious but I found it shocking somehow. She also asked me if we were getting a divorce."

And what was your response?.

Of course they know; children are not daft and they do pick up on all the vibes here, both spoken and unspoken, between you and their dad. Never stay for the supposed sake of the children.

Limth · 18/09/2023 16:55

Not only has she noticed, OP, but she's clearly dwelling on it to the extent that she's bringing it up with you.

I agree with PP - Model positive behaviour.

My mum and dad stayed together even though my dad was a dick. I was unhappy throughout childhood, home wasn't a nice place to be. Me and my mum used to go up the park on Saturday afternoons and I used to genuinely dread us going home. I used to fantasize that she'd just leave me in the park.

And these kind of experiences have long tentacles. My dad died when I was 13 so things did change but heading into older adolescence and adulthood. My expectations of men and relationships were on the floor and it led to some really shitty experiences.

Original poster
Barneyispurple · 18/09/2023 16:56

@AttilaTheMeerkat I’m afraid I denied we were getting a divorce (there is no current plan to do so to be fair but it still feels wrong). I also said something like I’m sorry you feel that way. I’m not completely sure what I said to be honest, I was very shocked. Not so much that she’d noticed we don’t get on well but that she phrased it that way, in terms of DH being angry with me.

thank you to all who’ve shared their childhood experiences - my parents had a terrible relationship but it was constant blazing rows, which we have never had in front of the kids, so maybe I convinced myself it was somehow not as bad? It’s more underlying resentment and unhappiness.

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 18/09/2023 17:04

I think the risk with 'I'm sorry you feel that way' is that it's arguably telling her that what's she's witnessed isn't the case. And that it's her own issue. And that you don't have an issue with the current situation within the relationship.

Might be worth having a chat with her about how her feelings are valid. That yes, you two are going through a tough time right now. That ultimately, things might end I'm divorce but for now, it's not the plan.

Original poster
Barneyispurple · 18/09/2023 17:07

Yes you’re right. I realised I don’t have a way of being open with the DC about how things are - it’s all been about pretending things were OK for quite a long time now, I’m kind of stuck in that mode.

OP posts:
Servalan · 18/09/2023 17:09

I understand what you say about finding that response shocking. I was horrified when my daughter (5 or six at the time) put her arms around me and said "poor mummy, why is daddy being rude and cheeky to you?" (well, he'd just ranted in my face...)

Actually ExH and I didn't argue that often - but that was because I'd spend months tiptoeing round endless sulking episodes and there was just a general sense of tension which was utterly toxic.

DD remembers it as us arguing all the time and now in her late teens is still very sensitive to conflict, I wish I'd had the strength and wherewithal to finish things sooner.

I won't sugar coat it. She was heartbroken when we got divorced and was greatly affected by it - but I think long-term it would have been far more traumatic if me and her dad had stayed together.

clarebear111 · 18/09/2023 17:17

Gosh, what an eye opening thread.

There was another thread on here the other day, in which the consensus seemed to be that leaving was not straightforward, especially if leaving meant ending up living in poverty/ significantly reduced circumstances, and the consequent impact that would have on DCs. A lot of women were staying in their relationships to maintain their standard of living. It seems like there are no easy answers in these situations.

Wishing you all the best OP, whatever you decide to do from here. In a way, I think it is a testament to your relationship with your DD that she felt able to broach this subject with you. It can't have been easy for her.

Original poster
Barneyispurple · 18/09/2023 17:23

Thank you @clarebear111 , DD and I are very close.

I remember that thread too - of course there are times when leaving is financially impossible but maybe we underestimate the emotional impact of living in a house where parents are unhappy, even in a way we think is mostly ‘hidden’…

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread