Difficult SIL

[Whippet79]

my Husband comes from a family that has experienced a lot of tragedy - his mum died when he was only one and his eldest sister passed away 6 years ago also from cancer. He now only has his middle sister left as well as his parents.

When I met my husband 6 years ago his sister constantly messaged me and whilst this was very intense I knew it was a grief response from losing the people closest to them. It was at times suffocating but over the years she eased off and it became more manageable.

His family are very cold and emotionally detached and my husband has tried over the years to bond with his remaining sister but she gets very defensive and won’t open up. In fact, I think the act of my husband doing this has now caused her to not contact us at all. It is very sad as we don’t have much family and she seems to have turned her back on our daughter who she was close to.

we don’t want to push her or make her uncomfortable and my husband knows not to ask her any questions now. I try and text her to keep in contact but when she responds she never asks how we are and so it stops the conversation.

I don’t know how to deal with her as I come from a very open family and I am big on communicating. Any advice would be great

Why do you feel this is your responsibility?

Why do you feel the conversation stops because she doesn't ask about you? Is that a precondition for a conversation?

It seems to me that you're putting a lot of pressure on SIL to have a relationship just because you think this relationship should exist. Do you think you may be overstepping? I'd suggest you step back, send a nice message at Christmas, birthdays, whatever, and leave the rest to your husband.

Well I was thinking the same just now, maybe it’s not my responsibility and I should step back.

I don’t have a relationship with my sister and perhaps I’m trying too hard to keep all this together but it’s not my job to do that.

I guess the fact is she used to be really full on and want to know everything about us and now she’s gone the opposite. It’s very hot or cold. Maybe you’re right, I need to step back and just let it be

Also I didn’t mean asking about me per se, just that she used to ask so many questions but now whenever I message she doesn’t show any interest. It’s more hurtful that she doesn’t ask after her niece

Stop trying to "deal" with her. You've tried, repeatedly, it doesn't work. She clearly wants to be left alone, so it's time to back off now. You can't always have the relationship you want with some people. That's just the way it is.

So she was full on and now she's not. Bu you didn't like it when it was full on and so you subtly tried to discourage that? Sounds like she got the message and has moved on.

Stick with general day to day friendly - invite over for family events at appropriate intervals, send a few pictures and chatty messages and leave at that. Trying to force a level of intimacy, especially after you specifically didn't want it originally, isn't going to help.

Like the pp said, you didn't like it when she was full-on, it was "suffocating", but now your feelings are hurt because she isn't responding the way you want her to. She can't win, can she?

It’s very hard to have a relationship with someone when they want to know everything about you but then she would’ve give anything away about herself. She was suffocating at times but it didn’t mean I didn’t want her in my life. This was years ago btw and her change in behaviour is now. It’s more to do with the fact she doesn’t want to open up about anything and which I respect.