Is this fair? Finances

[loopsaloo]

DH and I been together 11 years, married for 1.
Last October we bought a lovely house mainly with the proceeds of a sale of a house he owned. We are both named on ownership.
Stepson arrived back from uni at the beginning of June. Doesn't have a job yet, doesn't lift a finger, doesn't pay any contribution.
Lays down all day.
DH earns an extremely significant more than me and also has a fat pension from the military.
He pays the mortgage. I am paying all houses bills, food bills, plus things my DD 15 needs.
I'm running short every month, feeding 4 people and am beginning to feel quite resentful that DH isn't putting anything in the pot? Am I unreasonable?

IMHO this isn't proportionate contribution. Maybe it was before stepson came back home.
Do you know the actual amount henpays vs what you pay (apart what you spend on your daughter)?

Isn't it best to go 50/50 on food and bills? That's how we do it then the rest of your money is your own

YANBU. Time to ask to sit down and go through bills / costs now there's been a change in circumstances. Hopefully seeing it all in black and white will generate an open conversation about the fairest way to organise things going forward.

And apart from the finances, your stepson should absolutely be doing his share of housework! Another conversation to have either adult to adult with him / your DH depending on your relationship with stepson.

How much is the mortgage payment vs. Monthly bills etc?

He does absolutely nothing. DH either doesn't see it or just doesn't want to address it.

Hard to say without knowing what the mortgage is. If he's paying £3k a month for the mortgage and you're paying £1.5k for everything else it is very different to him paying £1k and you still paying £1.5k.

The son sounds like a pain regardless of money.

It's clear that you resent the son, however that is his child and you need to be mindful that any criticism may be felt even more than normal.

I would lead on a conversation about generic finances rather than singling the son out

So, he pays the mortgage and half of the bills and whatever you have left is yours. That sounds fair.

I've never ever understood " your money...V my money" when l was married it was " our" money.. regardless of who earned what.. it was in one account all bills / food etc came out of that.. we each had a bank card for the account and just bought what we needed.. we discusses big expenses like holidays/ new car/ new motorbike each etc. If l wanted a new winter coat I'd buy one. If DD needed clothes etc I'd buy them. We never argued over money. We were married everything was shared. If you love someone enough to sleep with them .. then you should love them enough to discuss everything including money problems

@baileys6904 I don't resent him, I resent his behaviour.

It's clear she resents ana bke bodies young adult doing fuck all bar causing her financial issues and making more work for her.

Who wouldn't resent that. More so when another adult refuses to address the situation

Your married surely its joint finances?

Not every married couple chooses to join finances.

He stalls all the time about having a joint bank account. He obviously doesn't trust me. No idea why - I am more sensible with money than he is

@VesperLynne Sorry I meant half the mortgage also. Think everyone should be paying equal amounts to not cause resentment.

You have a DH problem, not a stepson problem, but you know that already.

Assuming you know what DH earns and pays on the mortgage, what do you think would be a fair split of costs? Have you pitched that to him?

fwiw in a similar situation DH and I are tenants in common - I own 80% of the house - but all our income goes into a joint pot for joint access, with equal personal spends. I often earn more than him. So our day to day living costs are fully shared but the equity I put in is protected in case of a split.

You should both have equal spends once bills are paid. Joint account which all income goes into and bills come out if. Then agree a fun money amount and you both have your own account that the fun money goes into. Remainder is used for holidays, savings etc.
You have both chosen to get married and share a life together. You are both contributing to that life, through finances and other ways, all of which are important and necessary to have a functioning and happy family. Stop arranging your finances Like housemates.

Loads of things in your post OP.

You now own half a house that you don't pay for that may his his argument to not contribute any more. However if you are sort and he has money, he should be contributing for the wellbeing of the family.

I bet is not going to be a pleasant conversation but you need to make the numbers clear.

Regarding his son, he is an adult he should contribute one way or another.

That is why I always think that make a pot in a joint account with some money for personal use on the side is the best option.

So it’s your job to fund your daughter AND his son? Why’s that then? Why is it your job to provide for his adult child?