is it time to leave my dh (long)

[aginggoth]

the bare facts are, married since 2001, together since 96. Both 35. 2 dss age 4.5 and 11m. No affairs (as far as I know). Dh works about 14 hours per day, more at busiest times. Drinks to excess when under stress (which is quite a lot but not as often as some other men I know).

The biggie is that not only am I irritated by almost everything he does and says, and feel as if he requires so much domestic support I might well be better off being a real single parent instead of just being one 75% of the time- I just don't fancy him anymore and have not been interested in sex with him for about 6 years. (before you say anything, I know, I have since had 2 kids with him... I was trying to get over what I thought was a failing of my own libido, or a facet of a long term clinical depression I suffer from...he is a great dad and (when he is around, that is) a good companion and we share many similar values; I don't regret for a minute having the kids with him)

I dont' have any particular crushes but recently, I have been thinking that it would be nice to feel desire for someone again, to have that part of life back. Because I don't really envisage feeling like that for dh again, which is sad.

Recently his levels of stress have been extreme, he is radiating it whenever he comes home and it is upsetting for everyone. I have told him about my sexual issues with him and he just said he was incredibly hurt and didn't want me to leave him, then he turned a bit nasty and said I was causing him incredible stress. The end result of that was that last weekend he went out drinking and I woke up to an empty bed. He had gone on a binge and lost his keys, and spent the night in a hotel. He didn't come back until 6pm that day, spent the day in the office!

At 3pm on that day I got a long email, him basically telling me that he couldn't cope with my feelings and also with our complicated lifestyle (I work away from London 2 nights a week, so that really helps with everyone's stress levels...), that he thinks he wants to leave his job but isn't sure, etc etc.

And my feeling was basically that I just didn't want to know anymore. I hear about nothing but his work day after day- when I actually see him that is. He has taken no steps at all to deal with minor but annoying stuff like his chronic bad breath (!sorry but it's so unsexy) and his drinking binges. I just feel I don't love him anymore. But then there are the kids and he is such a great dad.

Would you put up and shut up in this situation?
God, I never thought I would feel so old, iyswim...

I most certainly wouldn;t put and shit up but I would make sure that I'd tried everything before I ended the relationship as well.

I went through quite a while of not fancying my DH too and I also thought about leaving him, however I luckliy came to my senses and started to make an effort with him - I can;t imagine that I was a very attractive offer for him the way I was then either and I'd be surprised if he hadn't had thoughts about leaving me.

You also need to consider the financial aspect and the children - not romantic I know, but have you thought about where you'd all live and how you'd cope financially?

I do not think that people should stay together for the sake of the children, I thank God that my mum left my dad when I was younger, my life has certainly been better without him.

How about some couples councelling. Get a babysitter and spend some time together as a couple - not just mum and dad. Not saying it will be easy and change overnight, but are you really 100% sure that you want to leave him?

that of course shoudl have said shut up - one day I'll learn to read what I write befoe I post!

It sounds like you still love each other and have things in common but that has been buried under your hectic lifestyle.It might be worth having a weekend together without the kids to really talk and implement some changes.If this involves job changes and more family time it might be a sacrifice worth making,.You both sound really sad and in need of a bit of love I know that sounds soppy but its worth a go

Some sort of mediation/counselling is a good idea as it will either give you strategies for staying contendedly together or for making the separation as amicable as possible. Oh, and someone who is working 14 hour days, drinking all the time and whining about his problems while ignoring anyone else's feelings is not that good a dad...

If it comes to a split, remember you want it as amicable as possible for everyone's sake. You might find that once you no longer have to pretend to be couply with each other, you can get on fine as co-parents (a relationship that's a bit like being cousins in that the other person can drive you mental but he/she is, at bottom, family).

madamez I do really agree with you about not being that good a dad. This is one of my issues with him.

It is like 100% off, 100% on with him (as far as family is concerned.) When he is here he runs around like a whirlwind cooking, dealing with the kids etc. Then if it's a Friday and the lads are out drinking, I will not be seeing him.

I am not easy to live with but I just wouldn't do that (and I do work full time too, though not as full as him obviously).

And as for spending more nights in with him....I just really really don't want to. I just don't like the look of him anymore that sounds really selfish doesn't it.

btw he still claims to fancy me & that he is still in love with me, etc. However, the last opportunity for a shag was 2 weeks ago (think I must have been ovulating or something because I decided to 'make the effort' as the sex therapists tell you to- and yes I have seen one, 3 years ago...) and he declined because he was too busy. All I could think was how pathetic, I don't actually fancy him anymore and he is still turning me down! I think at that point I started to think really seriously about separating.

Are you looking for permission to leave him? If you've made your mind up then make the break but do it as amicabley as you possibly can, if not then go for councelling or do as someone else has suggested and chage your lifestyle so that the stress levels decrease for the both of you.

If you do think that you want to give it another go, then make changes today and do something about it, otherwise you will just get to the stage where you despise him and it will be a messy breakup.

Whatever you decide to do, good luck

suppose in a way, quint
mainly because I have tried to talk to friends about it and all I get is 'oh but he is such a nice guy'

and from my mother 'such a good man' (i.e. provider)

The suggestion is that an aging nutter like me is lucky to have him and must be mad to even consider leaving. Which may be true.

Think I'm going to move nearer work with the kids for a year and try a proper separation. See if I actually feel better doing that.

Have you tried talking to hm about how unhappy you are in a way that doesn;t make him feel its all his fault?

I'd still try and talk to him before you even moved, that way if you do end up separating you know that you;ve done everything you could.

Unfortunately, too many people do still think that a woman should 'settle' for a man who doesn't actually beat her or have sex with her friends because a woman isn't complete without a male partner. There are various ways you could rearrange the situation: living separately, living together with an agreement that you are no longer a couple and can date other people, mutual commitment to working on your couplehood... Counselling isn't the perfect solution to everything in that some counsellors are complete dorks, of course, but where it will always help is in letting the two of you talk to and with a third party who hasn;t actually got an agenda.