Leaving DP although we have a baby + I'm pregnant

[howdoidothishardthing]

I am seriously considering telling my partner that I want to leave/want him to leave. This is not a rash decision, and we have been going to couples therapy for a while (second time round) and he is not changing his ways, I'm realising he never will. Both counsellors have honed in on him and his behaviours, but this has actually left me feeling like a mere observer in our sessions; 3 months in and I still haven't been able to bring the full picture and communicate my distress and how living with him affects me, because we are always talking about him.

My friends and both our families are aware of our relationship issues, and this won't be a shock to anybody but DP, as I don't think he actually believes that I would have the guts to do it. He doesn't really have any friends and so I hope that his family support will be enough for him.

On the other hand, I have got the support and love of good family and friends, I don't really have any savings but I have a good job, and am fortunate that both of my parents are generous and loving; I will never end up on the streets. Ultimately I will be okay, but the initial upheaval will probably be horrendous. I do realise that with a baby and being pregnant I am psychologically vulnerable. DS is 10 months old and I am 9 weeks pregnant with our second. However, the situation at home is such that I really think I am doing the best for both of my babies and myself if I drastically reduce the amount of time spent with DP. He is emotionally and physically neglectful, uncaring, moody, selfish, critical, and at times quite controlling. He's told me he's not happy either.

How did you do it? Did you get your ducks in a row first and only tell your ex DP when it was time to go? Or were you able to calmly and rationally plan what the best course of action was? I am interested to hear others about experiences before I make any decisions myself.

Please- no judgemental comments about my pregnancy and/or DS- wasn't expecting the second one so quickly, but they're both very much loved and wanted by both of us and will always be. Thankyou 🙏🏻

Advice on here is to get your ducks in a row first. You say you have a supportive family, maybe you should take a break if possible and go stay with them whilst you mull over your next steps.

I think given the little you have said about him - he won’t take it well.

please get your ducks in a row.

midwife etc can assist and maybe trusted friends/family can be ready to lend a hand.

speak to womens aid or a solicitor on any legal advice and what you need to get ready in both paperwork and arrangements and maybe they can provide additional signposting.

when he does get told/find out - do not agree to anything he suggests until you’ve had time to consider it. He may try railroading you into access or financial etc decisions that don’t benefit you.

massive squishes @howdoidothishardthing and good luck.

Thankyou both, @TheCatterall especially, I will bear all of this in mind...this may take a while x

Due to the fact he is neglectful both emotionally and physically I think you are doing the right thing,not only for yourself and your children, like others have said make sure everything financially is in order and speak to women's aid if you have any concerns,congratulations on the pregnancy and all the best for the future but sounds like you have support from friends and family so I'm sure it will be just fine good luck

If you are only 9 weeks pg and sure that you want to leave him, I would think very very seriously about whether you want to continue this pregnancy.

@NameChangeNotReporting how disgusting to suggest a termination when op has not mentioned this and has said quite the opposite. Jesus Christ.

Op, I had my second child when my first was 10 months old and my third 15 months after the second. If you're going it alone you are going to need childcare in place so you can get on with everything else. I got an au pair and it made all the difference. My children are 15, 16 and 17 now and we are still in touch

I think you will be doing the right thing in leaving him OP, especially as you have had two attempts at couples counselling and he hasn't changed his behaviour at all.
I agree with pp's about seeking legal advice so you know where you stand financially, and also to contact Womens Aid for clarity and support.
You say friends and family know you've been having relationship issues so its a blessing that you will have their support and backup. Look after yourself and very best of luck.