Abusive husband

[SOSSOS]

Bear with me, this is long.

My life-long best mate's husband clearly has some sort of NPD (sometimes charming, selfish, controlling, quite capable of lying black is white to suit his own ends) and has been emotionally and psychologically abusive for quite a while. My friend has made herself smaller and smaller over the last few years. She's also been assaulted a couple of times in the past (I found this out long after it happened).

I had a feeling something was really off almost since the beginning but she had 'laugh it off' excuses for all of it. Until this last few months she's never really said anything openly negative about him. She's quite isolated already, she's a professional artist who spends 99% of her time alone and they live on the other side of the world (he's from there). I worried if we fell out she'd really be alone with this, so I didn't push with asking anything. She's a strong person who's been through a lot so I believed she could handle him. They also seemed sort of happy, or at least, resigned and stable.

Recently the husband's behaviour has got very scary. Aggression, ice-cold, openly mocking and deriding her, jealous of her successes and seeming to want nothing to do with her. Then she found out he was having an affair. He's okay with the kids, obviously the behaviour towards my friend makes the house an uncomfortable place to live but he mainly restricts his behaviour to unpleasant comments and ignoring her, the worst anger and abuse are targeted at her when the kids aren't there.

He was initially remorseful although he said he loved the affair partner and wanted her instead. Then he hit her with the full script; he was driven by the problems within their relationship to have an affair. That they should never have been together. That he loved her but wasn't in love with her. Almost immediately though, when she said anything he didn't like he came back with appalling verbal abuse, tore her personality apart, called her a cunt repeatedly. When she tried to discuss separating civilly it didn't happen. If she pushed it, it just got out of hand. He doesn't hit her but she's clearly frightened of him. His position seemed to be that he was the victim and if she wanted to go, no-one was stopping her. No genuine apologies, only deflection and justification. Somehow everything always seems to be her fault.

She stuck to her guns and said she wanted out but he's suddenly done a 180. He has persuaded her to keep the affair (which he says is over) secret from his extended family (for the sake of their kids, apparently, so she hasn't confided in anyone apart from me) and now he's sort of pretending it didn't really happen and it's all fixable and she's over-reacted. Promising the earth, full emotional blackmail about the kids etc.

I'm very worried about her safety if she stays, and I'm also worried about her kids. She's clearly terrified of what divorce will mean for her and do to them. To complicate matters she has nowhere to go and can't leave the house, she's under constant pressure. She also had a violent childhood and to me, all this leaves her especially vulnerable.

Any advice?

Does the country she is in have DV support agencies? Google should tell you.
Also research police attitudes and procedures should she present at a police station.
Suggest to her she speaks to someone in confidence, her doctor, a nurse, a counsellor so that the abuse is recorded.
He’s made her feel there’s no way out but I think there’s always a way out though it’s not always easy ( of course might be different if she’s in eg a Middle Eastern country where leaving with the children isn’t always an option)

Let her know she can always talk to you.
Let her know you’ll do everything you can to help her.
Reassure her she is not in the wrong in any way, this is all in him.

In her position I’d be evidence gathering, recording him, keeping a diary he couldn’t find logging all his behaviour.
Do she and the children have British nationality?

Hi @AbbeyGailsParty thanks for replying. It’s taken me a while to reply because stuff has been happening over the last couple of days since I posted. More of the same but slightly escalated.

I suggested the police and WA to her as soon as she told me. She’s been diarising what he says and threatens and so on, so that’s something.

Would you give a second opinion as to whether you think women’s aid, or the local equivalent, can help her? She says not because she’s already taking steps towards a divorce. She wouldn’t report him to local police (he has already threatened her with false and humiliating counter-allegations). She’s an intensely private person, but has a public persona (I suppose you could call her a minor celebrity). The physical assaults happened a while ago, and she feels they wouldn’t be taken seriously now. She also says she can’t call the police and tell them her husband routinely shouts at her, threatens her reputation, calls her a cunt, threatens her with false allegations and tears her personality apart. She doesn’t seem to see that as ‘enough.’

She wouldn’t take her children to a refuge (they’re aware their dad can be moody and ‘difficult’ but they’re not actively afraid of him). Hiding his behaviour from her kids seems to be her main priority. My worry is that he will browbeat her into keeping everything quiet until he can eventually bully her out of leaving. I’ve said this is in itself coercive control and she accepts that but she still seems to feel she’s doing the right thing by trying to keep his behaviour quiet. She’s also worried what he’ll make up if she goes public.

I know it has to be her decision and that it’s hard for abused people to finally call abusive behaviour what it is and get mentally clear of the fear, obligation and guilt. She’s got a particular mindset where she takes a lot of blame onto herself and he systematically exploits that (she really, really needs to speak to a professional). She seems tortured by something that for many people would be a very straightforward decision.

I’ve considered phoning other people in their lives (she has a fellow artist and mentor type figure I think might be a good person to have at her back) and telling them what’s been going on but I don’t know if they’d step in effectively or if they’d say it’s none of their business and she would just feel humiliated that people know. If this other person didn’t help in a meaningful way that might make her immediate situation worse. It’s know it’s probably not my place and I can’t ask her permission because I don’t want to pressure her, or overstep the line.

Anyone is entitled to woman’s aid especially if she’s in the uk, and yes she can call the police as what he is doing is classed as a crime. Verbal, emotional abuse and coercive and controlling behaviour.
She can and should call the police, equally she should be speaking to a solicitor to gain advice on the next steps to divorce.

Abusive behaviour thrives on secrecy and this guy is banking on her rolling over and saying nothing so he comes out of this smelling of roses, she really needs help.
She can’t keep this quiet

@8990m I agree with you. The secrecy is making it all so much harder for her and it only empowers him.

please - if anyone reading has been in this situation or helped someone who was can they give some thoughts/advice to help her with the psychological pressure she’s under? Is there somewhere else I can post this so more people who know their stuff will see it/people who have been in similar situations can advise?

I know there’s the Stately Homes thread but is it more for abusive parents? I thought reading the thoughts of total strangers who aren’t ‘on her side’ might get through to her. I know what’s happening is dangerous and unacceptable, but she’s in so deep.

@SOSSOS with me and my son, I packed all our stuff up gave notice to my flat, changed my number and went.
he’s never bothered to see my son, but the abuse got too much. I had a friend like you that helped me do this, but I had to decide to get the help. I’m now in therapy myself and I’ve read books and posts on mumsnet and other threads to educate myself as much as I can on abuse.
The freedom programme is educational as well

@8990m I’m sorry you went through this and I’m glad you decided to get help. Thanks for the recommendation, I’ll send a link for that to her just now.

@SOSSOS thank you for your kind words,
just to add one more thing this book ‘why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft’ was also a huge help to me as well
not sure if your friend is able to download it on kindle to read or have a copy sent to her