Please help offer me comfort as I leave someone I truly love

[nightsoftheroundtable]

I will start with saying I don't have any issues. I never had a relationship remotely similar before. I am not attracted to broken birds or wounded men. I just happened, this one time, to fall in love with one of those people.

I am in my mid 40s, with grown children (as has he).

The relationship was always different because he was the right person. Issues aside, there wasn't anything I didn't love about him and he about me. The relationship made me better. I was better at work, I was happier, I was stronger and it felt like the easiest and most comfortable thing in the world.

The red flags showed up six months in when I noticed signs of "commitment phobia" or whatever it is. It was hard to spot because he always wanted to be with me and he never blew remotely cold; but he kept a distance and separation between me and all else.

I remember a relative died and he didn't mention it at all until weeks later. I remember him being strangely too busy for my family events. I remember him not really bringing me into his life fully. I never met his kids (he met mine) but I found this really odd after two years together!

I was pretty chilled out and patient, but over time those things got worse. He took a job three hours away from where we lived and suddenly we were commuting at weekends and things seemed to be moving in the opposite direction of where I wanted them to go.

It was always kind of hard to pinpoint, because he was clearly devoted and besotted and was really a model boyfriend, but he was acting like he was also not keen on being fully partnered up. He just felt more safe and comfortable with me at a distance. And that made me sad because what I wanted was a committed life together.

So, I ended it.

I ended it for a fair while too - probably eight months. He used the time to learn about himself because he said he loved me and losing me was not an option. So he did some work on himself.

He was able to open up about childhood abuse, and some really difficult things from his past, and he was able to begin counselling. He started reading books on attachment and identified he had avoidant attachment and he told me he understood everything I wanted and he wanted it to desperately, and he really loved me, so please - could we give it another go?

So we did.

And this time I set some boundaries - milestones for the sort of life I wanted. And we started dating again. This time around was completely different. He introduced me to his kids and family. He took me to work events. He was basically now, totally open and no more funny stuff.

After a year of things going wonderfully and our kids becoming friends and so on, he said he wanted to be with me forever, get married and make a real life. So I gave up my flat to move to where he was.

This made sense for work purposes and also where he lived was closer to my DCs universities. He had a tiny place, not really suitable for two, so we agreed we'd get a bigger place but I'd initially stay with him until we found a place.

We made plans and dreams and we were so excited and our kids were excited too. We absolutely loved living together, and got on way better than even I expected (I was nervous after not living with a man for 12 years). We laughed all the time, had great fun and it felt like the start of everything I'd always wanted.

So I was living basically out of a suitcase. All my stuff, and the kids, still in storage as I thought we'd be getting out big new house together within weeks.

Then weeks turned to months.

I will save everyone a long and boring story, but the months turned into more than a year, and there was always some barrier to making that happen and we never did get "our home".

So I did exactly what I said I would do, and I left.

I got a house, pretty far from him (2 hours) and made home for me and my DC. I was completely devastated and felt that after five years of investing that I ended up being really let down.

He later admitted he'd been afraid, and he's been trying ever since to convince me there is a way through this but I really can't see one.

I see a person who might love me very much, but who is always going to let me down (and worse, my DC). So I have to let him go.

And it feels like a death,

Please can someone tell me that life will get better.

It will get better.

you’ve been brave and made the first move in the right direction by creating a separate home for you and your children.

it will get so much better. Because as long as you are in thrall to him, you are spending your life force on someone who, whatever he says, isn’t wholeheartedly choosing you back.

you deserve a beautiful life, with people that prioritise you. It will get better. And it can’t get better without the tough bit in between.

sometimes the miserable and scary parts of life are the way through to more beautiful things.

sending you all the grit + courage as you navigate the in between xxx

Reading that through, there was so many times when you should've left him. The fact he didn't introduce you to his children was a huge red flag. It was a real sign that he wasn't taking anything seriously.

It is often said on here that women are not rehabs for dysfunctional men. I think that's something that applies to you actually. Stay away from him and form a new and secure life for yourself without him.

I’m going against the grain & think he loves you just as much. For some reason, he is just scared.

Did he say what he was afraid of? It was only a year that you’d been back together (albeit he did mess up with saying he wanted the bigger house & having you move in - maybe he agreed as didn’t want to lose you) I get the ‘afraid’ sentiment.

I am a cautious slow-burner & my foundations have to be many years, I have to be completely relaxed & not rushed but it’s not borne out of a lack of love.

My one love (the only deep love I’ve had) was persistent with his want to make a life with me but his milestones were overbearing for me, I needed it more at my pace. He was so frustrated with me (his & my friends were moving in after 1-2years) but I got there eventually after over 4 years & was still initially upset about giving my flat up. People that move quickly aren’t necessarily better. Albeit,he shouldn’t have agreed to something he wasn’t going to fulfil.

I know this isn’t the question & lots will advise against it but it seems you really do love each other so could you still see each other but not live together?

I know he loves me just as much.

His issues are obviously just too big.

He says he was scared I'd leave and then he'd not be able to afford the house. He's saying now that he will get the house anyway, just in case I come back.

But the point here is that emotionally, he always needs an escape hatch.

I’m in awe of you for doing that. You did the right thing by walking away. Life can only get better from the situation you were in. He wasn’t going to commit to you and to a life together in all senses of the word. I believe that the resentment would have just eaten away at you. At least this way you are giving yours a chance to find happiness

Think about how it went in the end and it will show you how deep seated this is and that he needs more therapy. I doubt you just walked out one day. How much warning did he have? It's a clear choice between you and the fear, and the fear won, such is its depth. Its hard on you, but I think you have done the right thing, otherwise a life broken promises and fighting for everything would have worn you down.

I think you've been brave and done exactly the right thing.
Loving someone is easy but committing to a life with someone requires being "all in" and not having to have one foot out of the door all the time just in case. A man like that will never be a secure option. He has had plenty of warning/chances. You've shown him such unwavering commitment in basically making yourself homeless for him, moving away etc. He has not given the same back.
You are not a therapist. It is not your job to fix him. You deserve better than a life of failed dreams and broken promises and having to fight for every step forward. Even "good" things like getting the house would always have lost their shine by the time they happen if it's taken months of nagging/threats to get there.

You deserve a partner, a team mate. Someone with shared ambitions and goals and with the same drive and enthusiasm to pursue them as you.

But knowing you've done the right thing and sitting with it are 2 different things. This period where you navigate your new life will be hard and I'm sure there will be times where you are tempted back. Just remember he's already had the chance to change and to have that life with you and he didn't go for it.

Good luck @nightsoftheroundtable sending you lots of strength 💪

You're brave but now you have to cut ties. How long is this guy going to keep droning on in the background about how he will change? Are you his therapist? Perhaps he just wants that. Life's too short.

Yes, life's too short to be living out of a suitcase for months on end. I couldn't respect a man who'd deliberately prevent me from living a comfortable life.

He's a coward. He might change, who knows, seems unlikely. But it sounds like you'll never truly trust him again after he's let you down this badly.

Imo the childhood abuse (while absolutely awful) is him making excuses to himself because he knows he's treated you badly. As all pp have said, you're not his therapist.

I personally hate Freudian childhood-blaming rhetoric that enables people to relinquish all personal responsibility - that includes mumbo jumbo like "I have avoidant attachment" - that's not an excuse for being rubbish. You deserve higher standards than that.

Whilst I would have made a similar choice to you in the end op, my comfort and security of home means everything to me.
I think his childhood issues might mean he does need an escape hatch. I did for the first ten years of my marriage. My dh showed me a deep sense of kindness, commitment and handled it with a touch of humour. We have had an incredible marriage and life together. I got over it in the end, it took time.

Its not mumbo jumbo to feel compassion and empathy for someone that has been traumatised in the past, and needs time, longer than everyone else, to feel safe.

I think you may have given up a chance to be truly happy eventually with this man, but I don’t blame you for doing so.

I am assuming he has been in a marriage or serious relationship before? As he has dc so maybe that compounded his sense that everyone will eventually leave him.

I don’t know if you are the right person for him.

The right person would have understood his struggles, helped him find a sense of security without threatening to leave or actually leaving and made a plan of what would happen if things go wrong (he would still be safe) and incredible number of men end up homeless at the end of relationships at least initially, he may not have a safety net or support to fall back on if things were to go wrong. Maybe he feels the responsibility for his dc keenly.

I would accept his offer of moving in and getting married, if you love him. Have a clear escape hatch for both of you so he isn’t afraid. Once he is secure most/all of these issues will recede. You had a great time together why on earth would you give that up? It’s rare to feel as you did, which is why you are so sad.

Wow! Talk about guilt tripping! He has had plenty of chances from her. You are making it sound like she hasn’t tried to save the relationship. As has already been said, she is not his therapist and she needs to put herself first.

It sounds like you’re always going to have commitment issues with this guy. You gave him another chance and he blew it. How many chances do you give someone?

So he’s planning on getting a bigger house anyway now in the hope that you’ll return to him? No, your kids might be grown up but they need a place to stay when they come home for Uni for the long holidays and they might need to return home after Uni. Not all young people can afford to move out of home now. I’d cut ties now you’ve made your decision as he’s going to constantly try and make you change your mind. Then he would change for a short while, and return to his old way. Best to cut him off and move on. Well done OP for not putting up with it, right decision, but of course it hurts a lot

*He later admitted he'd been afraid, and he's been trying ever since to convince me there is a way through this but I really can't see one.

I see a person who might love me very much, but who is always going to let me down (and worse, my DC). So I have to let him go*

I think you've been really brave and really fair. This is the second time he has let you down so much you have had to leave. I hope it's some comfort to know you are doing absolutely the right thing. I'm sorry it hurts.

It shouldn't be that hard. That's the thing to remember. If the person is right then they'll want to include you and not make you doubt or question yourself and it won't be a battle to "make" them commit. You're on the right road now and you'll be okay. Good luck.

I am not guilt tripping. I am presenting a differing view. I agreed I would prob do the same in ops position, however it felt important to add it can work out.

I am also confused as to why op is waiting for him to provide a big new house, surely she could have done this?