Found condoms in DH car

[VanillaDaydream]

Name change because I don't want to be linked to my previous posts. I promise I'm not a troll.

Things haven't been right with DH and I for a while, it's all so typical...

I was folding away clothes and folding DH's work trousers and an empty condom wrapper fell out of the pocket.

I know from Mumsnet to find more evidence so I looked in his car in some of his work bags and found two boxes of condoms, same brand found in his trousers. I'm utterly devastated.

I haven't confronted him, we have 2 DCs aged 9 and 3 so going to wait until they are in bed and I'm trying my best to act as normally as possible until then.

We've not long brought a house, I work almost full time but can't afford it on my own, no way I can buy him out. Rents in my area are awful. I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm so angry he's done this to me and our DC.

I know it's over, I just don't know what my next moves are. Mumsnet...give me your wise advice

Wtf?! ‘Just because..’?!

Wow there’s been an influx of ‘interesting’ posters on MN recently - rape apologists fouling up the RB threads, and comments like this.

OP, it’s obvious he’s cheated and I’m sorry it puts you in such a difficult situation financially as well as emotionally. I have no practical advice but I just wanted to offer some support.

Usual advice is get your ducks in a row, make sure you’re across your finances and have a good view of what you’d be entitled to a share of if you get divorced e.g. pension, savings etc.

Personally, I couldn’t keep it in and I’d need to confront him and I’d want to know as much as possible about what’s been going on.

Huh?

If you can, I would wait a couple of days to confront him so you can sit down and think about finances, eg do you have a joint account etc.

Sending hugs
Get financial copies of things in advance if possible - bank account proof, savings details if you have them. Is all your money into a joint account? Can you put a temporary freeze onto the account before confronting him just so money doesn't disappear etc?

So sorry OP. Echoing advice above, before you confront you should get your ducks in a row - e g financial papers etc and also read up on here on 'the script', which he is almost certainly going to use.

And regardless of condoms, get an STI test.

If you can wait a day or two that probably would give you time to do some digging, finances etc.

Sorry you are going through this.

Can you access his car? Back statements? Phone bill?

If this wouldn't be a deal breaker for you then maybe you need to raise your standards.

I don't think I can wait a couple of days to confront him. He is already asking why I'm being quiet.

We don't have a joint bank account. I have my own savings, he has some too, more than me.

And why shouldn't I leave because he can't keep it in his pants? I have respect for myself, my health and want to teach my children that you don't act like that towards your partner and also grow up on a home knowing their father is cheating on their mother.

My head is all over the place, I know the script and I expect he will use it. I will try and get some legal advice this week and see where I stand ie the house.

Wait for the 'posh wank' excuse...

Try to get him to leave the house rather than you. Tell friends or family, you will need support.

Does he keep banking paperwork at home? If so see if you can photograph the account details and balances.

Ugh, I'm sorry.

Great that you know the script - I think one thing Mumsnet has done really well is open women's eyes to the shit script.

I'd be putting on a bright and cheerful manner, despite everything, so he is not alerted

I'd be getting all the financials sorted, speaking to a solicitor to establish your rights etc now.

I (this may not be your choice) would also be getting into his phone, laptop, socials, emails, phone call record, texts etc.

Then only when you know where you stand, put your phone on record, hand him the condoms and demand an explanation.

Watch him squirm, listen to him flounder and reach for the script. There may be a posh wank excuse in there.

Don't let him know that you know until you've got copies of all pensions mortgage statements and seen a solicitor. If you alert him you know he might start moving money out of joint accounts, spending savings or stuff like that. Don't give him the chance. ATM it might not feel like it but you have the advantage as he doesn't know you know. Get a STI test just in case.

I’m so sorry. This is just horrible. I hope he gives you the honesty you deserve.

God, really sorry to hear this, OP, you must be devastated xx

So sorry to hear this, OP. How awful.

I don't think you need to dig any further. He will deny it but why else were there condoms and wrappers in his car?

I'm so sorry. STI test. Speak to a solicitor and get copies of pensions, mortgage, savings, accounts. Do you have support, friends or family to speak to in real life? If your current area is ridiculously expensive maybe consider jobs elsewhere? A big move might be easier in the long run than struggling

Oh dear x

Op how awful. You will need to be strong and not take any shitty excuses. I agree with everyone that says get your ducks in a row. You poor thing.

1. Get a STI test. Don't have sex with him again until you get this done.
2. Photocopy DH pension statements.
3. Print out 3 months of bank statements.
4. Hunt out your wedding certificate because you need it for a divorce.
5. Go to see a solicitor to see what financial position you will be in.
6. Photocopy any savings statements or ISA's.
7. Don't confront him until you've spoken to a solicitor.
8. Keep the condom wrapper you found and take a photo of the boxes of condoms in his car.
9. Decide if you want a divorce or not.

This is quite an old post I wonder OP what happened and if you are ok?

ZOMBIE 🧟‍♀️ thread

hug