DS mentionitis a lot how great oh family a lot

[justthatgirl]

We have one child and they recently moved out unexpectedly to live with relatively new partner. They are very happy and we are very happy for them as teen years were difficult re school, friends, mixing with wrong crowd after left school etc etc
Now we are over the moon they in better situation.
I don't want to be negative at all but really miss them as no warning when they did go and everytime I speak to them they tell me how lovely oh family is, area they now live in which is different to area we in, how oh grandparents great, and lots of other things. They didn't make a lot of effort recently with own grandparents who have had tough times last few years but grandparents were great with them when young.
When they were growing up we did everything to try and make a good l happy life for them/amazing holidays etc etc but now I feel sad as they left so quick and primary years were generally amazing but secondary years and beyond tough for us because they went off rails completely but now living in a nicer area according to them and mixing with different people and a lot happier and we couldn't ask for more. It's what we wanted but I somehow feel really tearful that the last few years were very tough for us and now they moved on things happy for them and oh family but we just here with memories of difficult things and they aren't around the corner so oh family near them and everything great there but somehow I feel very sad. I would never say anything it's just how I feel inside..
We keep in contact every day by phone text both ways and they tell us how amazing we were as parents but when they decided to go it was so quick 😰
I sometimes feel irritated inside as all I hear is how great oh family are, house, garden, area etc etc. I would never say this as couldn't ask for more but sometimes I just feel fed up of hearing how great everything is there.
Does anyone out there understand?
Other day Xmas came up and we always had just a quiet magical Xmas food films relaxing at home and that's what they wanted to. But now there oh has insisted they spend big family Xmas with them and DS seems keen. I just said do what you want no pressure. I was told all we did at Xmas was eat which was true but I did all cooking washing up and allowed family to relax, I wanted to and we watched films. It was magical times.

My BIL apparently was legendary for this. Every girlfriend he ever had, their family was so much better than his own.

Did the same when he got married.

Eventually moved to live near his wife's family - and the mentionitis was immediately replaced with 'OMG they are all so dysfunctional and awful'

DH and I just nodded and smiled and laughed behind his back

How old are they? Assuming late teens or early twenties. It’s normal at this age to be infatuated with partners, your son is being a bit infatuated by his partner and their family’s way of doing things, it’s all new and exciting. Normal to want to spend Christmas was a partner at that age. It will probably calm down a bit at some point when the novelty has worn off but it’s normal for children to outgrow their parents a bit in adulthood. Presumably you did the same with your parents in your twenties?

That's tough but think you should just keep going as you are & rant on here. Could you invite them all for some part of Christmas or ask ds if there's some part of Christmas they can come to you & maybe have nibbles & boardgames or some sort of focus to the time where there's a bit of activity rather than pressure of talking & nonstop mentionitis? Maybe his partner wouldn't agree with the outlook anyway? Everyone's families are dysfunctional in some way

Contact every single day seems a bit much.. maybe cut that back a little?
Makes me wonder who needs this level of support.. him or you?
Everything in the relationship is still shiny and new, but there sounds like there is a lot of reassurance going on.
Keep it light, keep busy.... be glad he is happy.

I really do think it's normal OP. They come back eventually I also think.

This is an opportunity for you to do Christmas in a way you've thought would be nice but haven't, because family time though. It's good for adult kids to realise that life moves on without them and doesn't wait. That their bedroom is used for something else, holidays are taken without them type of thing.

If I ever get the chance to be completely child free, I'm buggering off somewhere hot for christmas me.

It's normal at this age to fall a bit in love with their partner's family. They only notice the positive things about the new family. Give it time and they'll start noticing the negatives!

I remember my SIL saying how amazing her fiance's family were, and how they had really great discussions and treated her like she was really intelligent etc. Fast forward a few years, and her in-laws were a nightmare, and she'd brought any visits to them to the bare minimum

Definitely we both just text or call. If I don't, they do but I think I'm going take your advice and not text as much. But when I don't they do so not just me doing this.
I'm going step back abit and as another poster said just talk on here about it.
It's not that I'm not happy for them as I am and like their partner very much. The nicest one they've had. It's just all the really difficult stressful times were sometimes so awful and draining and now everything and everybody amazing but not near anymore so we don't get the best bits.
They are a adult so I've got to step back and be glad they are in a better place/relationship. It just feels like a lot of their memories living around here were s..t from what I'm picking up.
I'm going concentrate on my work/hobbies and just be there if they need anything in background.

Yeah you are right.

😂😂😂

Yeah so true

I should be happy they are so independent and we have done our job to a certain extent as I know someone who still has two adult kids living with them and they are in forties!
But I know it's difficult nowadays with rent mortgages so high!

Be careful OP.
My mother is a narcissist and her biggest manipulation has been to make me feel ashamed for liking my MIL. Its absolutely painful and has actually fully ruined our relationship.
In her head I see my MIL all the time which is simply not the case. My mum also quizzes and questions my children on how often they see their other Nanny. It is incredibly unpleasant

......."the really difficult stressful times were sometimes so awful and draining and now everything and everybody amazing but not near anymore so we don't get the best bits."

But surely the point is that you came through all the rubbish bits and are still obviously so close? And tasting 'grown-up' independence is exhilarating and the novelty value is high.
Show him you are enjoying your 'independence' too... make arrangements for Christmas with the rest of your family or friends or just with your husband... have new 'adventures' in your life to tell him about.
Be positive, you have done a great job because in spite of the tough times in the past you have raised him to be strong and independent.
Be proud of yourself!

I'm not that I hope as that's why posting on here so I don't go in at my son.
Also if I don't text or call him he contacts me.
I will keep what you advised In forefront of my mind though.

I am proud as he has come through all that and we are still close and he is happy so that's all I could want for him. His partner is a lovely person who I like very much.

I would be hurt too. But every time the children hurt me, and I scrape out the reserves to be the "grown-up", I feel rewarded in some way. I'm always glad I have.
Sending hugs x

Thankyou that reply makes me feel better
Just be there if needed and not put pressure on him.

I would say this is pretty normal and it sounds like you have a pretty good relationship - people do not have daily contact with parents if they have a bad relationship.

That makes me feel better
Thankyou