Narc sibling thinks we are all narcissists…

[hedgehogblanket]

Name changed for this. My sister’s behaviour is pretty much textbook narcissism. Gaslights, guilt trips, deflects her behaviour into others. Every issue is always someone else’s fault. She is very passive aggressive and behaves in quite a sly way. Can’t bear the attention on anyone else and clearly feels very insecure.

She is convinced that me, DM and her SIL (no blood relation to her) are all narcissists and constantly reposts posts on Facebook about the topic. SIL is mainly the target tbh but I have been previously. It’s impossible to have a rational conversation with her without her becoming very reactive and defensive.

Can anyone make sense of why someone with narcissistic behaviour would be confident that those around them are narcissists? It’s thrown me a bit because if she is aware of what narcissism is, how can she not see that she is behaving that way? Any thoughts?

It's a classic narcissistic tactic as in they superimpose their traits onto someone else and therefore they can't be narcissists because you are one. Bare minimum contact is the only option at this point.

In this thought process do you think they even slightly realise they’re a bit narcissistic? Or do they just immediately think, ‘hedgehog’ must be a narcissist without linking it to themselves?

Maybe you’re all narcissists

Haha, we’re not though as we can self reflect and spent many months (years) questioning if I was the issue.

I think “narcissist” has become a term that is used by so many in a totally meaningless way. Of course there are true narcissists but often it’s used in a very loose way and people use it to mean selfish etc.

This sounds so awfuL though op. If DS is a true narrcicist I honestly don’t think there is any point trying to change her perspective. As a PP says reduce contact. Take her off social media so you don’t see her posts etc.

They are projecting their behaviour onto other people.

My ex did this a lot. I did even worry I was a narcissist until a sensible friend told me that if I was one, I would never worry about being one!

we all have narcissistic traits to some degree- it’s more a sliding scale, and you need a small amount to be healthy.

narcissists also tend to accuse people of the very thing they are doing to you, so I guess that fits your sister!

It's hard to know. TBH most narcissists are actually just selfish pricks and that's what selfish pricks say. It gives them leverage over the rest of you.

This. Their accusations are admissions. Grey rock if and when you need to interact with her.

Everyone calls everyone else narcissist these days. It's become a meaningless term.

Who knows why narcissists act that way. But if your on eggshells around someone than something is off....

I'm assuming you are both equally as unqualified as each other to diagnose a Narsassist?

So maybe you're both different people and just don't like each other or get on.

Biology force you into each others lives but it didn't make you similar.

My honest opinion is that your sister probably genuinely feels the need to protect herself from her family for some reason. She may also have many narcissistic tendencies. My observation from rl is that people with these personality issues usually don’t just spontaneously become that way in healthy situations. A lot of these behaviours are also very defensive and/or learned and don’t occur in a vacuum. Family dynamics are complex.

Obviously only going on the tiny bit of information provided here, but it seems unlikely that your sister is the sole source of difficulties in your family. (And obviously take that with a pinch of salt as we don’t know you so it’s not personal.)

This is typical nasissistic behaviour they reflect everything thet do on to someone else as they will never admit fought

Thank you, I do appreciate the balanced perspective! I think you’re most likely right, something must have happened somewhere. Everyone picks up behaviour patterns in some way or another.

Maybe you all are or maybe none of you are. Tbh I don't really subscribe to the view that one person is the bad guy & everyone else has done nothing wrong. Sure in some cases but most family fall outs have a whole lot of grey.

I want to clarify SIL is on her DH side, not ours!

I do agree with you though x

Narcissist is thrown around a lot and it's apparently rare, people can have narcissistic tendencies than being a true narcissist with NPD.

However, I believe I've been married to one solely from the extreme behavior that matches it perfectly and explains a lot, was abusive, irrational and downright delusional. Very damaging to everyone around.

If that is the case here, from my experience, they will not take criticism, blame or fault and everyone else must be to blame. They project their own flaws and behavior onto others, it's sometimes like a confession, it's weird. Their image presented to public and strangers is false and they have another behind closed doors.

Should you blame them or poke their ego, all hell breaks loose in one way or another and others are punished for it.

That sounds really tough to live with. You’ve very much described my sister. It’s really difficult as I still care about her and I almost feel a bit in denial that she has any narcissistic tendencies and still wonder if it’s everyone else and not her, hence the post I guess.

But you said above:

’Haha, we’re not though as we can self reflect and spent many months (years) questioning if I was the issue.’

So it doesn’t really sound like you’re wondering too much if “it’s everyone else and not her”

@hedgehogblanket Yes, it was like living in a psychological warzone, could never keep up. Was always something wrong but would never discuss or resolve anything and just spit hatred, silent treatment and get violent. Then later once felt enough time had passed would switch into overly nice. Thrived on chaos unable to live peacefully, would create conflict out of nothing, extremely, envious, jealous and controlling.

Never knew what mood she was in, could cut the atmosphere with a knife. Did the whole persona thing too with NPD, multiple times changed personality and would on the fly depending who was with, rewrote past and history to suit.

Done it again now, a new person has emerged, rewrote the past, our shared past happened in different way or not at all and as a result sees me in a different way to suit and has taken our children from me, and also the entire family both sides because everyone is bad but especially me as I need to be destroyed in order to achieve that, being a parent.

Absolute insanity, no logic, rhyme nor reason to it but they can fool people very easily but actions make no sense at all.

Send her a message: since you think I'm a narc, I'd like you not to contact me again.

you can never win with a nasissist the least you say the better just stay away if you can if not just say ok and leave the situation