Son's first girlfriend....controlling?

[Silveryfox]

Hi, can I have a few opinions/some perspective please?

My 14 year old son has just started his first relationship with a girl in his year at school. She's nearly 15 (my son was only 14 at the end of May). I've already had to stop them getting too hot and heavy, and because of this I have her number/she has mine. Whenever my son is busy and doesnt reply quickly enough, she messages me to ask if he's OK because she's worried about him as he hasn't replied in a few hours. Last night it was because we were having a movie night and I don't like phones being used while we're watching movies. The last time was when he was with his dad and they were visiting family. Its starting to get my back up a bit, because I worry that she's being controlling when he doesn't reply back quickly enough. I've said to her a few times there's no need to worry, he didn't reply because we were doing XX or XX. He's only 14. They're just going into their GCSE year and I've said to both of them that I want his priority to be school/school work and they've both said they understand, but as his mother I'm feeling uncomfortable about it all. I'm divorced so don't have anyone to discuss things with. I worry about being too harsh, but then also worry about not being harsh enough if that makes sense?

She's almost fifteen, he's almost fourteen and a half.

You don't let him have his phone when it's movie night. He doesn't use his phone when he is with his dad's family.

The relationship is fine. It'll probably fizzle out.

But it sounds like she might not be the only controlling one in his life tbf.

It sounds more like she's just worried he might blow cold on her. That's what it's like being 15 and really liking a boy and just never knowing fir sure where you stand. And one day you message and they don't reply for hours...of course your going to be shitting yourself.

It's fine. Chillax.
Just make sure you've had the contraception talk. And a talk about consent and boundaries. How he has the right to these things. And how he also needs to respect other people's boundaries.

Yes, it is controlling behaviour for sure howver they are young and just figuring things out. This is where you guide your son (don't put up with controlling behaviour) and you guide her as appropriate - people's time is still their own and you can't harrass them, expect them to be at your beck and call.

It is probably the first relationship for both of them. A good time to start teaching your son what a healthy relatinoship looks like and what an unhealthy relationship looks like and what it means to be respected and respect others. If it doesn't change, keep cueing him.

I would tell her not to contact you to get to him. That he will respond on his own time when he can.

Perfect advice@Pinkbonbon

She's feeling insecure, kids are used to immediate responses.
I don't think it is "controlling" but it needs some careful, kind navigation and communication re boundaries/expectations and, of course, as Pink said, a talk about contraception and consent.
Full marks, Pink

Why do you have her number?
Why not just ignore her when she texts to ask if he's ok?

She may not be controlling, but is so glued to her phone that she is used to immediate replies. Some teens are very needy and rely on replies and likes for validation. I've known students have huge fallings out because someone had "read" a message but not replied, and the sender jumped to all sorts of conclusions over nothing.

It doesn't hurt to encourage your son to have boundaries and reasonable expectations though. It's easy to get sucked into the drama and feel pressured to be on call.

This is exactly my thoughts.

Back off a bit

I see this from a different perspective.

I think you’re very wise to be keeping an eye on this. Things can be incredibly intense at that age.

When my son was 16, he was involved with a girl at school and I didn’t think much of it given their ages. It turned out that they were wasting all their time messaging etc. and, to cut a long story short, my son failed all of his AS levels. He wasted an entire year. Suffice it to say, I went ballistic when I found out. He subsequently went to college to do his A levels and then on to uni and there were no further issues. However, I blame myself to an extent for taking my eye off the ball.

They're young, it's exciting and new. Likelihood is your son would message more too if those rules weren't in place. Let them figure it out, the more you get involved the more they will resent you for it.

He has his phone on him at all other times. It's his dad who is controlling not me. And each family has rules, I work in a positive way with my son, and have a much better relationship with him than his dad does. Or than I had woth my own mum. I insist he puts his phone down while we watch a film because its just about the only time he DOES put it down. I can't believe all the comments here telling me to back off 🤣 Like a PP said, I don't want my son to fail his GCSEs or to become a father at 15! Jesus wept

Oh, I wasn't meaning you were and I don't see a problem in your no phone rule. I meant try not to get involved between them too much otherwise they might go against you more.

On the grades thing, you ain't gonna be able to sort that out either. Unless you can help him understand that although it's exciting and fun, he needs his own life and to think of his future as well and not throw it away on a girl that may not be long term at that age.

Thank you. I dont think keeping an eye on what my 14 year old does and says online and in real life is being controlling. He has his phone on him all the time except when we're having some family time or when he's asleep. The way everything is in the country right now, I want him to do well and not fail his exams. That doesn't make me a bad mum, I'm looking out for him and his welfare. He doesn't get that support from his dad, he has no real relationship with his dad whereas with me we're very close, he knows he can talk to me about everything and anything., and he does. He told me when they had their first kiss for example. But to just butt out and let him work it out at this age? Thats not going tp happen. Maybe if parents didn't just let their kids get on with it, kids would be more mature and not get into trouble. The girls parents, for example, used to let her stay over at her previous boyfriends house all the time! I was so shocked to learn that. She has been talking to me by text because I don't think she gets much guidance from her own mum...

Maybe its just me but a year when you get your first gf is not 'wasted' imo. Probably a pretty memorable year. I don't think get the issue with a 16 year old failing a few exams (especially if they are advanced level). He's 16. He can re sit them. We put too much pressure on kids these days. It's totally unnecessary. Couldn't ever imagine losing my shit at a teenager for failing exams.

Thinking on it...I've literally never really to prove to an employer my exam results. I suppose Uni asked for them tbf. But then even thinking on that, nowhere I've worked, has asked to SEE my degree either 🤔 they've just taken me at my word. I sometimes think I could have pissed about for 15 years (school and uni) and it wouldn't have mattered a jot lol. I suppose its different if they want to be a doctor or something specialist. But even then, they can study to do that years down the line these days so 🤷‍♀️

I say let kids be kids... ...so long as they aren't creating more kids! Hell i wish I'd had a boyfriend in school! Maybe it wouldn't have been so bloody awful if I had xD exams pfffft (booooo down with the establishment lol)