Did i make enough effort?

[Roseandlime]

Looking for your opinions please. So background, married for 11 years ( known for 27), separated since April. DH ( for now) is not coping well with split. He has mental health issues and these have spiralled. We have 2DS, 18 yrs and 16yrs. So I offer for him to come round on Tuesday for tea and to do his washing ( he is struggling to manage his money so try to help if can). He apparently didn’t see the message until Weds. He asked to come on Weds instead- fine I said, then he changed his mind. On Thursday he also asks for a lift over to do washing and see DS. I’m at work, so tell him my route home and say that I can meet him at a shop to pick him up- a ten-minute walk for him. He says he can’t make that spot as not dressed (its 4.30pm). I try again and ask does he want a lift on Fri when I pick up DS from school. He says yes- I give him 50 minutes notice on where I will be able to pick him up, again based on my route and traffic. No reply. I arrive at meet point, wait 10 minutes, call him ( no answer) and then receive a text to say he can get there, and if I am not going to come pass his way then its too much hassle. So I leave. This is then followed up by a huge series of texts questioning my character, and staying that I clearly didn’t want to get him, out of sight out of mind etc etc.

So who is right- should I have driven past his way on the Friday- although with traffic this would have taken 25minutes more, or was I right to leave when he sent the message saying its too much hassle ( his walk would have been 10 minutes)

It sounds like he's descended into a depression featuring quite a large extent of self-centredness and "poor me". With an unfortunate dash of manipulation and gaslighting. You've tried to do your bit - it's not that much to expect him to meet you halfway (metaphorically).

Is that type of behaviour part of the reason for your split?

Why can't he make his own way over to your house? You've already offered to make him dinner and do his washing... you're supposed to collect him as well on your way home from work? Just wow.

It sounds like you've been enabling and facilitating his life for a long time, and now you've decided not to, he's doubling down on the demands.

Stop all of it. He's a grown up. You are not his therapist, support worker, or mum. I have every sympathy for his mental health problems, but they are his responsibility to manage - not yours. He will never learn to manage himself if you continue running around after him.

It’s ironic, the people I know personally (me included) with significant diagnosed MH disorders, interaction with psychiatric services, etc, are all humans who try desperately hard to do their best despite the disorders - and then you get entitled, manipulative people who wallow in being a victim though they truly have no idea, and they behave as if everything revolves around them. You do know you are already being used by someone who doesn’t appreciate it? You need to let your previous history together go, and not be a metaphorical doormat or punching bag for his anger. Your boundaries are far too blurred to be healthy for any of you, including the children.

@Roseandlime
If you are going to help him, it hardly makes sense to expect him to manage to get to a different location with a bundle of laundry in order to avoid a few minute detour. You have no obligation to assist him, but in my opinion this passive aggressive manner of assistance is a distasteful way of reminding him that you are unwillingly assisting him.

Better to let him resolve his issues without your involvement than to add some sham form of help.

Managing his life is his responsibility. Let him figure it out on his own.

You made the hard decision to leave, stick to it and stop trying to help him.
I know it seems like helping but you are enabling him to keep manipulating and pulling you back in.
You need a clean break.
Keep it about your children only.
It's for the best in the long run.

How much energy and time are you willing to waste to have the luxury of washing this man’s underpants?

Its really quite ridiculous behaviour on your part.

If he's bad with money I recommend divorce ASAP and ring-fence the settlement. You've given him years, don't waste more time. How long did he spend in marriage claiming that you couldn't do without him I wonder? Only to now see that all along, it's him that can't cope. Some fools around.

The wonderful thing about leaving someone is that they are not actually your problem any more. At 16 and 18, the kids are old enough to facilitate their own relationships.

I know you feel beholden and still tied to him. But don't swim the Atlantic for someone unwilling to step over a puddle. And who is blaming you for it.

I guess I don’t really understand why you are trying to help him. Why can’t he do his own laundry?