Help, ds's dad wants to see him again.

[Flubdub]

Its a long one!
My ds is 3ys, 2 months. When I got pregnant with him, his dad/my ex, basically said that it was the baby, or him - but I couldnt have both. I chose the baby; had to leave his house, and raised my son alone for the first 18 months.During those 18 months, his dad (despite pressure from me to actually see him), rarely came to see ds. Sometimes his visits were 6 weeks apart, and ds had no idea who he was. I should add, that my ex also has a daughter with someone else, that is nine years old. He has her every saturaday night, and fought through the courts to see her. Anyway,on ds's 1st birthday, I said to ex, you need to start coming regularly (ie, at least once a fortnight), or not at all, because ds didnt know who the hell he was.
Ex, put his hands up, there and then, and said, well, thats it then. I cant come anymore because of work (he was a carer, that worked different shifts everyday.). And he gave up, just like that. There was never an xmas card, birthday card, call/txt to see if he was ok, and his parents also never bothered.
Skip forward two years, I have a new partner, that ds LOVES! He calls him dad. And they ADORE each other. I have a baby on the way, and Im due at the end of April.
When I first got with my current partner, we got in touch with my exs parents, because I wanted to make sure I had done all I could to get my ds to know his dad. I asked them for some contact details for my ex. They wouldnt give them to us, but did agree to speak to him about it. This took about 4 months or pressure from his parents (who did see ds during this time), but my ex would still not agree to seeing Alex, and even wanted a DNA test, which was ludicrous because ds is the absolute spit of him, and my ex even pays csa for him, which you wouldnt do if you didnt think the child was yours! Anyway, he constantly dug his heels in, wouldnt see ds, and eventually, I gave up.
So, we carry on life as normal.
Two weeks ago, ex gets back in touch, va Facebook (!), completely out of the blue, and unexpected. He wants to resolve things, and see ds. I explained, very nicely to him, that as ds has a new brother on the way, calls dp 'dad' (something I NEVER encouraged, it just feels right to ds), and that my ex isnt even paying csa anymore (uni student, and we have had no xmas cards, bday cards, and ds doesnt know who he is, I didnt believe that ds seeing my ex would benefit him. I also said that he disputed ds was his, and refused to see him for years, so I was not willing to risk my ds being hurt like that, as now he is older, he would know about it.
He now wants my address to be in touch in writing, presumably via a solicitor. Iv told him no.
What do I do? Ds wont even want to see him! It is like my ex is trying to take dps son, because ds and dp are that close! He ignored ds for years, and doesnt pay for him. We have our own family unit now, and no room for someone that kept dropping my son like he did. What are the chances of anything happening for my ex?

Im SO sorry its so long. But Im distraught about this. It just seems so unfair that ex thinks ds can be picked up and dropped whenever he feels like it.

I think you should consult a solicitor or the CAB as soon as possible. Because your X does have a legal right to some contact, the only way you can forbid contact is if you can prove he is actually a danger to your DS (which your post does not suggest). You can insist on agreed times of contact being kept to, and pick-ups/handovers being done somewhere other than at your home, if you prefer, but if you simply refuse contact, your XP can and will take legal action against you. Also, your DS has a right to know his father, and if you prevent your XP from having access, your DS will find out in later life and may never forgive you.
It's possible that (for whatever reason) your XP has had some kind of life-changing revelation and wants to make up for the time he has missed out with his son. It's possible that he is going to let your DS down again, but you have to give him the opportunity to try.

But he has had 3 years worth of opportunities, and has dumped ds so many times, it cant go on.
I did get in touch with my ex again last year because I wanted to make sure I had tried my best, so that ds didnt ever resent me for anything. I know I tried.
As far as ds is concerned now, my dp is his dad. Surely its just going to confuse him to say, "Oh, thats not your dad anymore, that guy is."

Yes, my ex signed the birth certificate, but only because I made him! The first appointment to get it done, my ex didnt even turn up, and it was another two months before I managed to get him to turn up to another appointment to do it.
He just isnt that bothered. I know he isnt, and thats why it seems so unfair.
Tbh, I think its probably his parents making him do this, as he is back living with them, and they seem to like using solicitors .

Thankyou for your kind words Sleepycat.
Im a mess at the minute, all crying and upset. I just think ds is being treated like meat.

I don't think you have a choice - sorry. But given the amount of time that has passed I think you would be very reasonable to insist on contact fixed in advance (you suggest it so you are the one in control), and to accompany ds given that his father is a stranger. Maybe two hours once a fortnight to start with? Suggest this in writing and keep a copy!

As far as who your ds calls dad then maybe you can refer to his bio father as his father, rather than his dad? And if the contact keeps up gradually introduce the idea of a dad who looks afterhim everyday and does all the dad things that his friends' dads do, but that he also has a rather that he was made from? He's young enough to accept this idea.

A 'father' I meant obviously...

flubdub

I had a similar situation with my Ex and my DS (hes now 6 and hasnt seen his dad for 3 years.

He used to see him every weekend, till he met someone else then my DS was dropped like a hat, things got nasty on his side, his gf threatening to kick my face in (she was 6 months pregnant) she even once threw my DS's pram at me all in front of DS. I put my foot down when Ex said that he couldnt no longer afford to pay towards my DS now he had another baby on the way !

I told him to piss off then, i got so fed up of my DS being let down, every week he would sit there with his coat and bag ready to go and ex wouldnt turn up. I remember one week i rung him and he said "oh we are in blackpool on a family holiday" clearly he didnt see my DS as part of his family.

He took me to court, got given parental responisbilty and access was set out in a plan, the first visit went well, the second visit didnt happen, now he hasnt got a leg to stand on. He got in touch a few weeks back which i thought was odd, until a big hefty cheque arrived for me in the form of child support which he hadnt been paying for years. So he thought if im paying for him i may as well see him. I've ignored him, he has our address, and not sent letters, cards or nothing.

I've spoken to a solicitor and she said leave thigns for now cos hes backed off again but if he started causing trouble he doesnt have a leg to stand on because he broke the first court order.

Dont know how this helps you, just thought Id give you some insight, i now have a new DP and another baby and life is great We are 200 miles away from tosser of an ex!

Julezboo - thats awful, and just what Im frightened of!
Iv done all the 'getting ds ready to go out, and ex not turning up'. Iv already been through all that. I dont want to do it again.

i think one of the important things to do is to make sure your child knows the full truth about their situation regardless of wether or not your ex ever comes in contact. no matter how much you think you are doing the right thing/ protecting him if he were to find out in later life that the his two parents collaborated in a lie and let him call a man who wasn't his father "dad" without ever telling him the full facts, you will end up the bad guys despite all your great parenting and good intentions.
not the same situation i know, but i am adopted. my parents have always let me know this and as such it has never been a problem.however if they had kept it from me and i found out the truth years later wether i was 12, 15 , 18, 21 etc i know i would have felt confused,rejected and bitter.

I would never lie to ds about it. I couldnt do that. I always said he would know the truth. I think he would always know anyway that dp wasnt his bio dad, as he called him by his real name for a long time, and still does sometimes.

TheBOD I am adopted too, and have also always known. You are right, it is absolutely vital not to lie to children about who their actual biological parents are. I say that having encountered one or two people who did find out in adulthood that the circumstances of their conception and birth were not what they had been told. These people pretty much went crazy, they were profoundly insecure, addictive and in one case, seriously destructive towards women (not violent but played vicious head games).

sorry i didn't mean to imply that you had lied to him, just the way you kind of described it as calling him dad/knowing no other father i wasn't sure.as of course i have known no other father/always called my dad "dad", yet i know the truth also. so just wanted to give that bit of advice regarding how your son might become confused and how the truth is an imperative.
madamez i have never known anyne who found out later in life but can only imagine how much it would screw you up. hell even when my sister met her biological parents when i was about 17 it roayally messed with my head the idea of her having "another family" of course it was nothing like that and in fact ended up being much worse for my sis as her bio-mum obviously never got over the adoption and was severely bitter about her ex-p's role in the whole thing.became quite stalkerish.

I have lived with your situation for 14 years now, ex only bothers himself twice a year now despite living less than a mile away and I think that you have to let him see him. Yes, he will probably let your ds down and your ds will get hurt and you will be left to pick up the pieces but, madamez is right. You have to give him the opportunity to put things right.
Fast forward yourself 10 years, when ds will ask about his dad, what are you going to say? Sorry I didn't want to give him the chance, sorry I just didn't want to. It's tough, live with it son. It's very difficult and it's an impossible situation that your ex is putting you and your son in. But legally, you cannot stop him seeing him and I think better to take the risk and make yourself prepared and available to pick up the pieces, then risk having to go through the courts and have your ds exposed to hostility on both sides.
I feel for you but, it's a bad situation and you have to deal with it in a way that will cause the least upset to your son, in the long run.

I really wouldnt have such a problem with it, but it was only a year ago he said ds wasnt his, and he didnt want to know.

Oh Flubdub, I do appreciate that it's hard and upsetting. But sooner or later, if your XP is that much of a shit, your DS will realise it and start refusing contact himself - but he will be doing so knowing that you are the parent who tried really hard to help him maintain a relationship with his biological father (and he will also be thinking well of your current DP for helping in the same way).

It is a tough situation but you have to be the adult here, do you really want your ds to turn round in 10 years time and accuse you of stopping him seeing his dad? Do you want to be the cause (and focus) of his upset and resentment? I know I didn't, so on the surface, ex and I have a very genial relationship. Although secretly I think he's a cretin who's not worthy of being called Dad.
At the end of the day, you have to put your feelings on the issue aside and do what's right for your son. Yes, you'd like to protect him from the hurt and pain but, sometimes that isn't always possible, so you do the best you can do and make sure you're there to support and love him.