Marriage on the rocks, what do I do?

[Surikun]

Hi all, this is my first time posting here. I’ve read some threads, but I need some advice.

I’m almost 35 and have been with my husband just under a decade (married for 3 years). He’s always been a bit moody, but is also a passionate and intelligent man. He’s the only man I’ve ever really loved, but lately things have been really tough and I am exhausted.

DH has always struggled in work. He’s had big ambitions and is genuinely talented and smart, but he’s not great at playing the game or compromising on his vision, and he’s been unlucky in a rather unstable sector. He’s been in about 10 jobs since I’ve known in, he’s been let go/made redundant in most-never for serious reasons, always for not being a good fit, a change of direction or the company getting into financial trouble/going bust. He’s very frustrated and the chip he’s always had on his shoulder has only grown bigger as time has gone on. Now, he’s in a good and stable job, but it’s not very prestigious or thrilling and he is constantly falling from one existential crisis into the next about it.

At the same time, we’ve tried for a few years to get pregnant to no avail and are turning to medical treatment for help, which has really exacerbated his feelings of inadequacy and the loss of self-esteem. I have always supported him mentally and financially through everything. I genuinely believe he is a talented man who’s not gotten his big break yet, but what if it never comes?

He is generally very angry with the world and can’t really control his feelings. He has never been violent towards me or anyone, but his outbursts of rage can be very unsettling and I don’t want that energy around children. We’ve hit pause for now on treatment to get to a better place mentally, but I am exhausted. He’s had some counselling and so have I, but it’s not really gotten us far.

I am financially very stable and pay for the vast majority of our bills, deal with most of our life admin, handle the majority of the housework and feel like I am also his therapist. I’m exhausted. And I see no end to this. I feel like I am wasting my life away living for someone else. I love him and I want to be with him, but I need to be able to live. He wants a quiet life and to excel at work, I want to work so I can pay for a rich life full of travel (DH has anxiety around travel). I am so torn, do I keep choosing him in hopes things get better and I can have children with him? Or do I give up, feel like a failure and maybe give up my only chance at having children, but potentially end up in a better place with a more compatible partner?

sorry for the long post, but I really don’t know what to do…

Let him go, it seems you are carrying a lot more than your fair share.
If he wants to live his life feeling like a failure because of his unfulfilled ego (because he s not, he s just a regular person with a job that pays the bills, like millions of us), it s up to him.
You can t be happy with someone like that.
He s starting to get angry and stuck rather than questioning himself. It s not good.

Christ he sounds like my ex! I hung about for far too long, while the chip on his shoulder got bigger at his continued lack of success. He started taking it out on me, getting verbally abusive. When I realised he was also cheating I divorced him but the fall out for me/my health has been significant. Don’t be me.

“If he wants to live his life feeling like a failure because of his unfulfilled ego (because he s not, he s just a regular person with a job that pays the bills, like millions of us), it s up to him.
You can t be happy with someone like that.
He s starting to get angry and stuck rather than questioning himself. It s not good.”

This. Why does he need to be special? Why can’t he just do a job and earn a living like the rest of us? If he’s gone through 10 jobs in 10 years, this is very unlikely to just be luck. This is about his ego preventing him from being a team player. And he’s shrinking your world - you’re carrying him; you want to travel - he has anxiety about it. He needs a radical re-think or he’s just going to keep fucking up his life.

If he’s gone through 10 jobs in 10 years, this is very unlikely to just be luck

^This is spot on. Everyone can have a bit of bad luck now and again, but when that's all^ he seems to have, you have to consider the fact that he's the only common factor in all this bad luck.

You are absolutely right to hit pause on trying to start a family. This is, as you say, no atmosphere to bring a child into. I should think about leaving sooner rather than later to increase the chances of being able to have kids.

You've fallen for the potential you think he has. However, tbh, don't you think 10 jobs in 10 years is a pattern? Not compromising or playing the game, equally reads as having a bad attitude as an employee, thinking you know better than your boss does etc.
You might think he's got a IQ that is decent, but it looks like his EQ is lagging way behind.
Let him have his existential crisis around being in a job that is actually stable and might even put up with him for longer than he wants, meanwhile, carry on doing all the housework, as well as working. Then add DC and you can do all the care for them too. But it's OK, because he's just a mixed up helpless person, who for some reason hasn't learnt that effort in life doesn't stop at your occupation.
Tell him straight, that if he wants to clock off from life as soon as he leaves work, he can go and live in a hotel and pay for the work that you do.

I think you need to be realistic here op. What is actually going to change here? His work history isn't just bad luck, it's a pattern, and one that is taking him further away from his 'big break' rather than closer to it.

Has he acknowledged that he's part of the issue at work?

Does he take critical feedback onboard and try to improve, or does he just get angry/feel victimised/see it as proof that everone else is an idiot for not recognising his true genius?

Is he proactively seeking out and engaging in therapy to deal with his anger?

Does he even acknowledge how much you are carrying him, or does he feel entitled to live life at your expense?

Leaving someone you love who has the potential to be a great partner, but in reality is a terrible one is incredibly hard. Sticking with a relationship that is slowly grinding you down is just as hard.

Unless he's taking significant steps (actions not words) to break the entrenched pattern he's in, make your decision based on whether you're happy to stick with the relationship as it is now, not how it could be 'if only'.

Thanks for the advice, everyone. There’s a lot of words of comfort and some hard truths in there. @curiouslypacific said it well: “Leaving someone you love who has the potential to be a great partner, but in reality is a terrible one is incredibly hard.”

For a bit more context, he has dispraxia, which isn’t super well-understood in the workplace. He’s had jobs he was in for several years, just a few that lasted a couple of weeks or months. But it is a pattern and I totally agree that he should just accept being a normal person. I’m a normie and I’m absolutely okay with it, I don’t have any illusions about being a misunderstood genius. But he has such a fixation on it.

At the same time, he’s not a terrible partner. He’s just, but great. If he were awful it would be easier to leave. But he’s pretty good most of the time, but his dips are major and he is selfish/self-absorbed. It’s like the carrot of a great partner is always dangling in front of me, but it’s always just out of reach. And I don’t know if I’m just throwing good money after bad now. When is it okay for me to say ‘I’ve invested everything in this for nearly a decade and you just can’t seem to get there.’

I don’t want my partner to feel like he needs to change who he is to be with me, but I also don’t want to shrink and change who I am to please my partner.

This will only get worse if you have kids. Give yourself a fresh start, while you still can.

OP
Do you genuinely believe his ego will accommodate being a parent?
So- putting the family first, sticking at a job to pay the extra bills?
Will he cut down on his personal time/activities to look after a child?

Apart from that- don’t compromise on travel. Just go- do it before you have kids.

His sense of identity and thus his feelings of fulfillment sound inextricably and unhealthy coupled with his professional success.

Do you think he wants to change his mindset? There's a book by Derren Brown called Happy which addresses the subject of happiness in huge depth, especially for people like your DH whose sense of purpose is external rather than internal. He might find it helpful if he is open minded to change.

But ultimately you are not and should not be his support human and this relationship seems to be about you trying to service his needs and getting nothing back. How much time does he spend worrying about your wellbeing, compared to the time you spend considering him? He sounds very selfish.

It’s not meant to be that much hard work.

Maybe ask yourself where you see yourself and him in ten years.

Grumpy people just get grumpier. He won't change because everything is working pretty well for him now. He doesn't seem bothered that he is causing actual damage to you in the process. He has kind of weaponised his ego.

Having children with him will likely mean they get blamed for his lack of success and be made to feel less for it.

You are only 34. You seem more in love with your projection of him than who he actually is because he doesn't seem great really.

Don't waste time with people who don't want the very best for you.

Great post.

Sounds like you have settled.

He's flakey workwise, yes some people don't get their "big break" but you know what, they don't let someone bankroll them whiketbthe universe sorts itself out to realise how super they are.

He's just a normal man.

You like travel he doesn't

He gets angry you feel exhausted.

You pay for a lot and do all the housework.

Whilst he what? Huff's and puffs about how unrecognised he is?

I would just tell him how you feel.

That he can buck up his ideas over split division of labour. That you are exhausted by his "oh wow is me" continuous nonsense.

Sounds like he has no problem stomping around telling you how he feels so tell him how you feel, exactly how you feel. I would leave your thoughts of the future out of it and keep it just as your relationship and see what he says.

@Surikun He sounds awful.

He will get far worse if you have kids.

I was with just ex for 21 years (from 20-41) and he got much worse when we had DC1 when I was 33, and worse again with DC2 when I was 36.

I ended the marriage last year and have not regretted it for a second. Am now in a new relationship, totally in love with a wonderful, emotionally mature man and it is amazing. So lovely. I didn’t know relationships could be so easy.

Don’t waste your 30s/life/childbearing years with this guy.

You have said multiple times you are exhausted. Your tiredness calls out from the page.

You cannot have children with this man. Having children is one of the most intensively exhausting experiences of a woman's life. If you're exhausted now this would be a huge mistake. You will be sucked dry.

He clearly doesn't want to knuckle down either at work or at home.

OP just read this. I could have written this myself. Exactly the same issues. Only I am 45.
I can only tell you that things get worse and If I were your age I would have left. Well…I am contemplating leaving now tbh.

I would walk. Now. Go be free and live your life. And until you do make sure your contraception is WATERTIGHT

I guess it comes down to whether he recognises that he is playing some part in these difficulties or whether he can only see himself as a victim of circumstance.

It does sound like he has a very childlike and undeveloped view on life.

He think he is bigger and more important than he really is. A bit like a small child who still thinks the world revolves around him in accordance with his own view of himself - despite evidence to the contrary that actually he is not the greatest of assets to an employer, for example.

He receives huge amounts of support and forbearance from you but like a small child takes it totally as read and probably doesn't even notice what is being done for him.

I am not saying this in a judgmental way as there are many reasons why people struggle to develop and mature into a more adult and realistic way of going on in the world. And there is no one of us that doesn't have some sort of problem or blind spot.

But your H does sound like he needs to do a lot of work on himself. He doesn't sound like husband/father material where he is atm.

I think you are looking at him with rose tinted glasses, seeing a man who will never change, will always be unhappy & angry
He is ultimately his own saviour not you.
You are miserable in this relationship. You have tried hard for 10years and ultimately nothing changes
I think you need to save yourself. You are young . Travel enjoy your life don’t waste it on man incapable of change or appreciating you

I agree with others, I think you should call it a day.

No one's fault just different ideologies