'Step father' wants a fatherly relationship with me now that Mum has died

[SomeonTookMyAnonymousUserName]

DM died 11 weeks ago. I am struggling with that, as you can imagine.

She was divorced from DF and had remarried 20-odd years ago. DF died a number of years ago.

DM's husband was a wonderful husband to her and is, generally, a nice man. I have no problems with him in terms of not liking him etc. however, he and I have never had a relationship; we've never called each other (except in an emergency when my mum was ill), never sat and chatted, never gone out anywhere together, etc.

He has a son the same age as me and he does those things with him.

I need to stress that this is not a problem to me. There's no jealousy or feeling left out. We simply don't have a relationship.

Since DM has gone though, he seems to want to take her place in my life. He expects me to call him like I'd have called her. He wants to see me at the times I would have seen her.

He is of course grieving, as am I, so he will be lonely in relation to his wife dying. However, in general terms he is not lonely - he has his son, siblings, friends, hobbies, etc.

I have loved and cared for both my parents - 'done my bit' so to speak. I'd have DM back in a minute if I could but I can't and, quite simply I don't need or want a new parent.

Having said that I don't want to hurt his feelings. But my feelings are hurting - I don't have the headspace for him while I am grieving, it's stressful to hold conversations with a man I know well but barely know at all, he reminds me of my mum and I just don't like being with him when she is not here.

I can't just cut him off. He lives in my mums house and I'd like to be able to visit there from time to time, and I don't want to be unkind.

Any advice?

it is possible that he is seeking relationship with you for the same reason you'd rather avoid it - you remind him of his wife, just like he reminds you of your mother

None of the people who are in his support network will get him like you could - you're the only one left who knew her so well, remembers her little quirks and can genuinely share the grief of losing her. quite literally - you're the only person who hurts as much as he does.

That being said - because you're hurting too, you should focus on your own grief. a relationship like this can be very healing and supportive but only if that's what both parties need and want

I think you need to be gentle with this, both with yourself and your stepfather. I think it’s a situation where you don’t need to do anything in a hurry. Be pleasant when he calls but make it short and sweet. Things will find a new normal as time passes and he will get the message, without you having to cut him loose.

I’m so sorry about your mum passing away. 💐

How often is he expecting a phonecall/visit? You could set clear boundaries with him without having to officially tell him to back off. If he phones you today, you could tell him you will phone him in 2 weeks for example. It's up to you to make it clear what level of time/energy you are willing to give.

If you look like your mum at all he probably finds that comforting. And he may have told her in private that he would look after you in some way. So I think he’s trying to do a good thing.

Would it help to think of him as an elderly uncle or great uncle? You don’t have to see him as a parent but you can keep him in the family.

Firstly, sorry for your loss

Is it possible do you think that your Mum relayed information about you to him, your life etc following your visits or phone calls and he is missing that? We realised after our Mum died that as siblings we found out lots about what was going on with them through our Mum so we had to start contacting each other.

From a purely selfish point of view I would want family photo albums etc if you haven't already got those of your childhood etc.

Do you think your mum may have asked him to take care of you if she passed?

This hits the nail on the head. He knows no one knew or understood his wife except you. Maybe he sees his wife in you. Do you look like your Mum?

I wonder if you either remind him of your mum, so he's holding onto that as much as he can, or that he simply feels responsible for you, like now that she's gone he feels a duty to step in and make sure you're ok.

I'd do something like arrange to have lunch with him - distance permitting.

This would make it easier a) for you to talk about your mother but b) to make it clear that you need some space to grieve on your own, so that committing to some kind of regularity of contact doesn't feel right at the moment.

You can also talk about the other demands on your time etc etc.

What @PaintedEgg said. I am very sorry for your loss, I lost my mum 6 years ago and it still hurts. I felt as though the world had ended at the time.
Be kind to yourself. Your mum's widower is a tad selfish in his grief, but grief does that to us all.
Hugs to you, op.

I think you’re being a bit harsh. He’s trying. You said he’s a nice guy who made your mum happy and was always nice to you. Wouldn’t your mum want you to keep an eye on him for her ?

I get you. DM remarried when I was an adult. Having a great time with DSF but neither I, nor siblings, like him. Once in a while for a meal, but that’s all. If she were to go first, I don’t think we’d keep in touch. There is simply no relationship. He wasn’t our dad, never acted in a fatherly way and hates DM spending time with us (she does anyway but he makes it awkward). Do what’s best for you.

I think this is good advice.
It's all very soon for both of you.

My take in these situations is often, "what would you expect a man to do in this situation?". Anything that you'd consider appropriate, compassionate behaviour from a Mr Someone... is going to be "good enough" from you. I find this a useful yardstick when navigating a sensible path between "woman being guilt tripped by female specific social expectations" and actually, well, being a dick.

Thanks all.

In response to some questions:

• Yes I look like her, I sound like her and share mannerisms.
• I saw her weekly, in general, more when she was unwell and we called in between. I am getting the impression that this is what he now wants. I went on holiday with my family and he called me across the Atlantic as he hadn't heard from me. 'Before', months would go by and I wouldn't see him!
• I don't think my mum asked him to look after me. I asked him jokingly one day if she'd left him a list of instructions (she was very much the boss) and he said no, she'd only asked him to look after the garden.

To the pp who thought I was being harsh, and that my mum might have wanted me to look after him, yes maybe you're right. But it's so hard to support someone in their grief when I am grieving as badly, just in a different way. Everything is about his feelings and making him feel better. As some have said, that's probably why he wants to build a relationship with me, but that ignores how I feel when I am with him. But yes, he is a nice man and adored her.

I like the advice about what I'd expect a man to do in the same circumstances. My DH likes him and says he'd pop in every few months if it was his situation

If he lives in your mum's house with all her things, how does that work in terms of a will? Just asking because it could become very difficult.

There may well be a middle ground - explain to him that you need some time and space now, then you'll see how it goes. Once that raw stage of grief passes you may find it great to be able to talk to someone about your mum - reminiscence, tell stories, simply talk to someone who knew her like you did

From personal experience - for me. with time, it actually felt great to speak about person I miss. The grief is still there, but it's nice to be able to say "that face they used to make when they didn't like the food but didn't want to upset the host" and the person you talk to know exactly what you mean! You don't need to explain it to them - they saw that face, they know exactly what you mean, they can probably name the food your loved one disliked.

but it all takes time, and you both need it - so don't force anything

My Mum's will left everything to me but left her partner a right of residence in her house.

Luckily we get on and do have a relationship, but nothing like having that sort of consideration to ensure both of you think twice before saying or doing anything hasty ! ;)

Pragmatically, I paid for legal advice about what the will actually meant, precisely, and what to do with the land registry.
I took a few things from the house after Mum's death. Jewelry, photos and pictures, a few sentimental items from the kitchen.
I had neither appetite for stripping a noticeable portion of "stuff" from a grieving man's home, nor much spare room to keep it anyway in my house.
So yes I am risking it all going wrong and not getting her books and kitchen stuff, but it's not a big risk I think. His father lived to a great age so he might outlive me, in which case, problem solved I guess (!)

Cousins had a different experience with their widowed stepmum - I think it's all ongoing and it's a real nightmare. AFAIK they were just unlucky, but it can save a lot of trouble if you can manage to keep relations cordial :/

My sympathy for your loss, I found it incredibly hard losing a parent.

I think a cup of tea every few months is fine. I’d be a bit selfish and somewhat hard hearted. You’re grieving and you need time. It’s ok to tell him this. If you want to occasionally visit the house, do so, but he must be aware that you’re also in pain and seeing him reminds you of your mum and perhaps that’s not what you need right now, it just reinforces the loss.

Thanks for thinking of that. That was an issue that I received advice about on MN before she died. It's sorted. I will own a percentage of the house and he can live in it till he dies. Will is going through lawyers now.

My mum died 9 weeks ago and I think my stepdad and I are still trying to work out our relationship without my mum there as the link between us. We would always communicate through her, so I think it just takes time to find the new 'normal'. In my case, we still do want to be quite involved as my kids call him grandpa and he's very much a grandparent to them, but I think it will still take us a little bit of time to settle into something that works for us both.

I think he probably sees me as a link to my mum, because although he has his own children, none of them loved my mum like I did or had that kind of relationship, even though they were all friendly etc. And he probably does feel a sense of duty to take over some of that parental role now she is gone, because we were close and I spoke to her about most things.

So I think it's still early days, and you'll probably eventually find an equilibrium that works for both of you and as the grief lessens. But it's fine to gentle put boundaries in place or draw back a little if that's what you want.

I also feel like my mum's death is bigger change for my stepdad in some ways than me. My mum was his life, really, they spent every day together, especially when she was unwell in the last couple of years. His entire daily routine was based around their life together.

For me, I went back to my kids, my job, my daily life goes on much the same, and while I am grieving just as deeply for that loss, my day to day life is less affected. It's more about losing the future with her for me, my kids not getting to know her as they grow up, not having that support. So it's probably just a huge change for him to adjust to as well and he might not really know what to do with himself for a while.