AIBU - arguing over in laws visiting

[WeeRunnerGirl]

For context me and my husband have a 7 month old baby. His family live in London, and we’re in Scotland so we don’t see them as much since having a baby. They are coming up for Christmas and my FIL has told us he’s staying for new year - but my MIL has to work. 2 months ago we went on holiday with my in laws and it was truly awful, we had no help with the baby (not that we expected it) but there was no consideration - we ended up going on a hike up a mountain with the pram in the pouring rain! LOs sleep suffered from the lack of routine, and me and my husband argued so much about him not being able to set boundaries with his family that we swore we wouldn’t do anything like it again.

Fast forward to now….his parents would like to visit us in Scotland. We live in a very small house with one bathroom, thin walls and creaking floorboards (I promise we do love it though lol). Since having a baby, his family have always stayed nearby in a hotel because of this, but only as a bed for the night and they are with us the rest of the day and for all their meals etc. Time is a wonderful thing, and because my husband loves his parents, he has automatically said this time they can stay with us. No discussion really - as dates are always dictated by them & im made to feel bad if I say no to them staying here! They are quite hard work and expect everything to be done for them/ all their meals cooked etc.

im not really sure what I’m trying to say here haha, other than am I a horrible person for having said no initially to them staying at our house?!? for some reason I always get really stressed and defensive the moment I hear they want to visit - any tips for helping me to chill out a bit and see it from a different perspective please? 🙏

no doubt it will all go down the exact same as before in reality because his dad likes to dictate all the activities and timings of things! And we argue because my husband doesn’t want me to wake his parents if it’s taking a long time to soothe our LO during the night!

Seems a lot going on here.

On the face of it I would expect the PILs to stay with you if you have a bedroom free for them. How long will they be staying?

I appreciate it's difficult to cook and entertain when you've got a 7 month old, I know this from experience. If you can't really be bothered/don't feel able to do that then I don't think it's unreasonable to expect DH to do all that. They are his parents and he invited them anyway so I'd expect him to do the bulk, if not all, of the shopping, cooking, organising, entertaining etc for them.

Not sure what you mean about waking them up.

dad likes to dictate all the activities and timings of things!

"FIL, you have chosen to join us for our Christmas. You are welcome here, but this is how we do things for our Christmas. You get to have Christmas your way when you're in your home."

..preferably said calmly and without anger.

If you have a spare bedroom it does seem reasonable for them to stay - especially if they will come over from waking til bedtime anyway.

Waking them up with the baby in the night? That's what you get staying with a family who have babies / young children. If your husband can't see that maybe he needs to give his head a wobble, especially if the in laws haven't actually complained. If they do complain they are welcome to stay elsewhere.

Them dictating the timing of the day? Just don't go along with it.
"We fancy a hike today"
"Oh lovely, that's a beautiful route - if you can wait an hour we can go between babies naps / I need to get baby down for a sleep but by all means you guys go out and I'll see you for a cuppa when you get back!" And then enjoy the peace for a few hours.
Alternatively "oh well DH and I had hoped to take baby to x activity today - you'd be really welcome to join us, but I won't be offended if you'd rather go for a walk!"

Be clear with DH before they arrive what you need and expect in terms of help from him (Ie he doesn't get to disappear off to host and leave you entirely with baby) and and non negotiables.

I would point out to in-laws how inconvenient it will be for THEM to have to work around you and baby’s work/sleep schedules, especially given the lack of space and that they are accustomed to running their own ship. I would suggest local Airbnb’s, hotels, etc and a running list of what YOU have planned for Christmas, while saying you look forward to seeing them and know that they will enjoy participating in your Christmas traditions and other local customs.

Hosting ILs (we do it a lot) is a source of great stress and consternation for me. So I feel your pain. With us, they come several times a year and can stay for up to a week. We aren't ever invited to visit them for a variety of reasons (from simply having no spare room - there's 4 of us plus a dog - to simply not being welcome to visit). But they have a tendency to treat us like we are running a 4 star hotel and gastro pub. 🙄

A few things, if you actually have a spare room and you will not need to give up a room and no one will have to sleep in the lounge, then I think it's reasonable enough to give them staying with you a try - this one time. If it goes wrong, then they are banished to a hotel in the future.

But this can happen only on the condition that: your dh does the hosting and organising. He does the tidying, washes and changes the bedding, does the food shopping (a great way to emphasise the enormous cost of hosting family for a week!), does the cooking (unless he takes baby and entertains them so you can do it in peace if you enjoy it), and he plans some activities out with them (possibly with baby) that you don't need to join him on.

One thing I've put my foot down with is that I no longer do a speck of cleaning for ILs visits. Dh is a people pleaser and will never say no, so he gets the joy of taking AL to scrape the kids yoghurt off the wall in the spare room, wash/change the bedding, clean the toilets. I also refuse to do everything constantly together all week. I truly cannot entertain people that long and ILs (all of them) are more the sort of pleasant small talk kind of people. They just want to chat about the weather. I can't chat about the bloody weather for a week. I make plans, hoist the children at dh and tell them to enjoy their day. I don't run around making their packed lunches and organising group visits to the garden centre.

Dh has quickly learned that having family visit isn't quite so enjoyable when he actually has to interact with them. When MIL last came to visit, he tried to escape to mow the lawn for 3 hours (it's a big lawn). I headed that off by saying I had something to do. I came back to him sitting in the kitchen watching a film on his phone with headphones in just to avoid having to interact with his own mother (which is awkward, but drove home to him that actually it's a lot of work to constantly entertain his family).

I would also say make your dh do the meal planning and shopping for their visit. Every time family come to stay, I get an exasperated sign and eye roll from dh because he cannot possibly understand why we have spent £200 on food shopping for the weekend. It's because they eat and drink us under the table. Once year I had MIL/her partner and BIL/SIL here for Christmas eve/day/Boxing day. For the 8 of us, for 3 meals a day, plus snacks, chocolates, biscuits, cheese boards, cases of beer, wine, port, whiskey, etc. for 3 days of constant eating and drinking, it cost us £800. Dh was absolutely flabbergasted. But that is how much they eat and drink and no one so much as contributed or brought a thing. It was like they were on an AI holiday. 😫If you need a reason to counter the whole FIL staying til the New Year, consider the cost, price out a budget, consider if you can actually afford that at Christmas time when you are on mat leave.

Thanks so much to everyone for all your responses. It’s given me a lot to think about! I’ve challenged myself to be a bit more relaxed and let the in-laws stay with us. They will be here for 9 days in total.

As it so happens, we’ve also now got added stress that my sister in law and her family - who live near to my in laws and use them for childcare almost every weekend - have got FOMO because she wants her kids to have time with ALL their grandparents at Christmas and is annoyed that we aren’t going to London, has now booked to also come 28th Dec - 2nd of Jan without even talking to us before booking. I feel like I’m close to a breakdown here 😅 thankfully they are going to stay at an air b n b but we’re expected to care for 7 adults and 3 children.

I go back to work in January so having a wee cry to myself because I’d imagined at least some quality time just me my husband and LO at some point over the festive period!

I’d throw it in the ring now that you can’t afford to provide food and drink for everyone given you’re at the end of Mat leave combined with the expense of Christmas and cost of living /winter bills etc. so either everyone needs to coordinate shopping lists of what they’re bringing or taking responsibility for feeding everyone for which days they like. Alternatively you can order a food shop online and their share will be £Xxx per day to cover things.

if they don’t want to do this then you can’t afford to feed them so they’ll need to go out to feed themselves

this Sounds incredibly stressful tbh - and I would absolutely hate to have in-laws stay, particularly when it seems to be on FIL’s terms most of the time and things are “dictated” to you.

So - firstly - yes it is a ok for you to say no. For any reason - but particularly this time, you want to enjoy your maternity leave and have quality time with your partner.
however it sounds like it’s going ahead - so you and your husband really does need to think about what boundaries will be required so that you don’t lose your mind .

a previously posted sounds like she’s nailed it but opting out a bit and passing responsibility to her partner when it suits family. I suggest you follow suit, don’t do all the cooking, or organising or preparing. Let your husband do ALL of that. Also plan to get time to yourself wherever/whenever - what about booking a hotel room for you and husband one night to get away from it all? Plan to see your own family and friends too to escape a bit .

it sounds like FIL is very used to being in charge and your husband lets him - not sure what the family history is there, but he should be listening to you and if it causes arguments between you both he really should be on your side, not his families.

let it happen and perhaps it will be so awful your husband will never agree to do it again, but I’d definitely be taking a step back from people pleasing these demanding, inconsiderate inlaws

Mindutopia nails it! Your husband will have to do all of the prep, cleaning and cooking. I’d very clear now that you’re not going to do all of that. I’d also try to negotiate on the 9 days; that’s a LONG time.

As well as tackling this Christmas, it sounds like you need to have a wider conversation with your husband around compromising when it comes to family visits. It’s not fair that you get no say whatsoever in arrangements.

See, I'd love that type of set up, but I'd expect the adults to all pitch in a bit with cooking, clearing up, entertaining little ones etc and I'd expect your DH to lead on everything given it's his family. Agree 9 days is quite a long time tbh but if it's a one off and you don't see them much then it's not ridiculously long. I come from two very family orientated close families though and my DH also does so we are very big on close family relationships and family gatherings and so on. But we lead on our own side of the family and we all pitch in and so do our relatives.

Yes DH better get cracking! I would 100% NOT be providing meals for all those people for multiple days.

You have some time to come up with an agenda, but in your shoes, I’d be dictating what it’s going to be. Whether it’s some kind of rota for who is in charge of dinner every day, be it cooked, ready meals or takeaway (or a restaurant if the budget goes there). And the SIL with an Airbnb can host one day too.

I stay with my sister regularly, but I always take her (and DH) to a restaurant once and pay for a takeaway once. And I get my own breakfast every day (cereal). And I clean up whenever we have a cuppa or after a meal. Set expectations pretty low!

As far as activities that are a difficult with a baby, just say it sounds lovely but doesn’t work for junior, so you’ll stay home so’s everyone else can enjoy the outing (and you get a bit of peace!). Make statements that don’t allow for discussion. You’re not asking for permission.

Get in straight away and say you'll visit them at the air b and b for Christmas lunch as you won't be able to cater at home due to having a young baby and a small house. If they're not keen then suggest you eat out, all pay for yourself and then you can make excuses when you want to leave and go home.

Guests go off after 3 days. Your husband is crazy.

If you feel that there is no way out of this, personally I'd set the tone on day 1 of the visit - "DH/PIL, what are your plans for lunch today? DH, are you cooking?" "Kettle's over here, tea in the cupboard".

I'd also leave your DH to tidy the house for them coming and keep to your usual schedule with the baby so you get some time out of the house without them.

Fwiw I get on with my PIL, they're lovely people and none of us would dream of planning a visit for more than a few days as we all get that people need space.

@mindutopia has the right idea.

Ask DH to do the meal planning for the Xmas duration this weekend; three meals a day, plus snacks, tea & coffee and cost it up.

If you have separate "fun money" then the cost for that food & drink can come out of his cash; he's the host, he can pay. He unilaterally made the decision that they would be staying with you, so he can't object to that. He may need to start putting money aside now.

Also, make it VERY clear that he will be doing ALL the advance cleaning and prep, including bedsheets and towels etc, plus all meal prep and "entertaining". If he needs to practice his cooking and cleaning skills in the run up to that, all the better.

Plan some days out/meet ups with you friends/family etc over that time both with and without the baby, leaving him with his relatives. As you have pointed out, it's your last few days before maternity leave ends and you want to make the most of it.

If the baby disturbs your in-laws sleep, that really isn't your problem, your DH can get up with the baby in the night if your "baby soothing techniques" aren't up to his speedy standards, then he can do it.

Tell DH that you don’t want them to stay for so long and you will be doing absolutely no cleaning, shopping or cooking in advance of their visit. If he wants his family there, he has to host them.

I’d make a point of being as noisy as possible with the baby at night. The family might even choose to leave early if they get disturbed sleep!

I would just say ‘DH are you sure you can manage all that?’

Then leave him to it. Don’t thoroughly scrub the house. Do a big shop before they arrive and fill the freezer with cheap ready meals. I would also make sure their stay isn’t too comfortable. Don’t look at this as a bad thing, look at this as an opportunity to make life so difficult for your DH he never asks them to stay again. Think of all times they can be woken in the night for example.

You have to be strong and not argue with your FIL. Just say no if something doesn’t work for you. He can carry on while you just ignore him. He can’t force you to leave the house and go on hikes in the rain.

Have fun and make passive aggressive your personality for Christmas.

And we argue because my husband doesn’t want me to wake his parents if it’s taking a long time to soothe our LO during the night!

No way would I put up with that.

You say that you and your husband argued because he couldn't set any boundaries with his family, are you able to set any with your husband?

Your baby will sleep when your baby sleeps, and so your husband needs to STFU even if his parents have interrupted sleep.

You said you're going back to work after maternity leave and wanted some quality time alone with your husband and little one, why are you crying to yourself instead of setting boundaries for what YOU want?

Does your husband expect you to do all of the cooking and cleaning for this visit?

I’m sorry, hosting in-laws is stressful at the best of times….mine come about 3-4 times a year and usually for a week to 10 days too. They are very easygoing but DH is at work all week so all the entertaining and meal planning falls to me, and it’s just a lot of mental load - but again they are very easy to get along with and DH keeps telling me I don’t need to do anything for them.

In your place I would discuss what your DH’s plan is - leave the work to him, he invited them, he looks after them. And definitely stick to your boundaries - is that an issue if they go for a walk or hike and you & baby simply don’t join them? As for waking them up at night - well tough luck that’s what they get in a house with a baby.

First thing I’d be doing is booking a fabulous Christmas Lunch/Dinner for everyone at a restaurant. Where the fuck do they think you’re all going to fit?

What is it with some people!!!!
When we visit my DS & DIL who have 4 children under 8, for anything more than a day we book a cottage near by. I also take a meal or two with me. This isn't bragging or 'ooo look at me' but emotional intelligence, some people seem to sadly lack this 🙄

I cannot imagine staying with anyone for longer than a weekend never mind 9 nights when they have a baby!

As someone said - guests go off after 3 days!

@WeeRunnerGirl - for starters, just wanted to say - growing up as children with family gatherings - adults, kids, food and chatter over the holiday period, and as occasions -
is wonderful.
It is always strange to me that Britain has less of it in their culture. Sad, really.

That said - of course there are practical considerations of how it all can work - so you don't have to feel pressured to be some sort of endlessly working Cinderella…

For starters - you need to firm up on YOUR boundaries, and not rely on your H to defend them.

Why would you go on a hike with a pram. Holidaying together doesn’t mean doing everything together.

Same when they come to yours at Xmas. You can do your own thing, or follow routine that suits you most.
Also - the baby will be 11-(12?) by then - so their routine won’t be as rigid and they can tolerate a little deviations.

Your in-laws - will also have to get used to things. If baby cries at night - they’ll cry. You’ll do what you do normally and H and in-laws will get on with it. Don’t be so scared of what your H thinks or says.

Push back - tell him he can sooth the baby himself of he has a better way.

Next - guests that are staying for 10days cant expect all-inclusive. Why are you putting this expectation on yourself.
You MIL and your H surely should take up catering/cleaning/etc duties.

As to the time when more family shows up- set up a WhA group closer to time and chat about who’d do/bring what.

To summarise: don’t fall into a trap of trying to accommodate and not offend anyone. Set and express your own boundaries and needs. Don’t expect your H to fight your battles.

I would feel massively resentful to have the last few weeks of mat leave hijacked in this way, and that's the kind of resentment that lasts...

I agree outsource the work to others including your husband