Family therapy does it work

[Crunchingleaf]

So the quick background is court case is currently ongoing regarding my Ex and contract with DC14. DC14 started seeing dad less and less.
Relationship between Ex and I was horrendous. I was the target of his rage for years and it didn’t matter to him that DC was an innocent witness to it. The closest the abuse got to physical was him towering over me screaming at me and I would have no way to protect myself. This has obviously left a lasting impact on me and more importantly DC.

DC was angry that their dad went to court to force contact and refused to see him. DC was having a tough time dealing with everything going on so I took him to counselling. The counsellor seems really good and really on DC side and suggested family therapy between DC and their father to repair the relationship (tbh they never developed a real parent child relationship and ex appears to not be able to relate to DC). At this stage everyone from solicitors to counsellors and other experts are saying DC is traumatised and is clearly showing signs of this trauma. However, the narrative from legal side is that DC shouldn’t choose not to see their father and that everything must be done to fix things between them.
Ex meet the counsellor before family therapy session and cried about how much he misses DC and loves DC etc. He said sorry to DC that there was a lot of shouting. DC believes the apology and wants to move forward.

This is where I am struggling. I don’t buy the tears or the apology. They are just tools to get his own way and get DC back in his life. I don’t believe this man has changed at all because I know he will lie and manipulate to get his own way. Even if the apology to DC is genuine trauma leaves it’s mark and you can only heal so much. I am also struggling with everyone recognising that DC is traumatised but yet we mustn’t say it’s from witnessing domestic abuse.
I feel like DC is getting his hopes up here and that I will once again have to be the one to pick up the pieces. I don’t know how many more times I can do this.

Does family therapy really work? Will DC suddenly stop being in a state of fear, stress and anxiety when around their father. DC wants a relationship with their father so I have to stand back and say nothing, but it’s hard not being able to protect DC when I already failed DC so badly on the past.

I don't think anyone should be recommending family therapy in an abusive relationship. Can a relationship between a parent and a child be healed, even if that parent was abusive at one point? Yes, it can. But the work to be done is with the parent. One therapy session doesn't cut it. It sounds like he needs extended therapy and probably some anger management help, etc. Then if your ds is willing, family therapy might be something to consider.

But ultimately, your child is a teenager. He is old enough to make his own decisions about his relationship with his father. If he says he doesn't want to see him and he doesn't want to do therapy, then he doesn't. I would support that. I would be very open that you are being guided by him and his wishes.

We tried it whilst the family was still together. This was in response to DD self harming to the point of ending up in hospital (due largely to her relationship with her father).

We had 6 sessions, STBXH only showed up for part of 2 of them, where he DARVO’d and gaslit like a pro.

Would not recommend.

That is the thing. The focus seems to be on making the child accept and forgive instead of making the adult understand the harm they have caused and how they can make it better.

I have no choice but to go along with this madness because of child has to have a relationship with father and I mustn’t look bad in front of the judge. Some parents cause more harm than good.

It’s difficult supporting DC through all this because it’s like being abused all over again. Because of the ever changing narrative of hat always paints him as an innocent victim. He tells everyone I cut him out of DC life and yet when I ask basic questions regarding DC such as plan for orthodontic treatment I get ignored.