Should I ask ex if he wants a drink?

[Drdoomish]

We split over a year ago. I haven't seen him since as our paths don't naturally cross. The split was because he was finding it hard to juggle his commitments to his 11yr old child, needing to be on hand for his wider family and seeing me. I got fed up of being repeatedly cancelled on and told him so a few times. He ended things before I could after his final cancellation on me.

He had his child 70% of the time, and his ex would insist he had the child even more on a last minute basis. He'd say yes to her everytime she asked as he felt he wouldn't be a good dad if he said no. He knew she was taking advantage but he never found the words "I'm sorry I can't. I already have plans tonight"

When things ended, I went NC for 4 months. However, we'd been friends 7 years before dating and I missed his friendship. I texted and he replied within 12 hours. After that, we sporadically texted every few weeks or so, both being responsible for opening the conversation. Over months, the every few weeks shrunk to weekly.

Last weekend we had 72 texts between us in 90 mins...just like it used to be in our dating heyday. Nothing of substance, just silly chat about rubbish. 3 of his messages are him flirting... badly...like he always did. Another message is him sending a X immediately after a message he forgot to end it with.

The grapevine tells me things have calmed now with his wider family. His child is a year older. I would happily get back with him if he can step up and not cancel on me. His recent messaging seems to indicate he's still got feelings for me too.

But he's not an initiator. He's shy. And cannot see flirting unless it smacks him round the face. We got together one drunken night...so he had the courage to lean in for a kiss. He told me months later he'd fancied me for 4 years prior to kissing me. I'd had no idea prior to that kiss that he liked me. He's that shy.

So should I smack him round the face and ask him for a drink? Or should write it off, particularly as his child is still too young to have an evening in without dad. I can't ever see a scenario where he'll ask me out for a drink... It's not how he works.

It's ridiculous that I feel the teenage angst over this... I'm early 50s.

What would you advise?

I'd advise letting him make the first move. If he's not willing to do that he's not going to be putting you high enough up his priority list.

Don't accept his crumbs. If he wants you back he needs to prove he can make it worth your while and not make the same mistakes.

He dumped you for complaining that he was messing you around. He put his ex’s feelings above yours. You really can do better.

@Drdoomish No I wouldn’t go back to this for several reasons. Plenty of people have relationships with children involved. To be cancelling on you all the time wasn’t a very good sign. Occasionally maybe, but constantly, no. His child is obviously a priority but it doesn’t sound like he was interested in making you a 2nd priority. Sounds like you were way down the list. It’s also unusual that a mother would only be having their child 30% maximum and then be wanting even more time away. Are you sure this is true? Also, you haven’t seen each other in a year. Sometimes it’s nice to have flirty messages but i think it’s telling he hasn’t pursued it further. You could ask him for a drink but i get the feeling you may not get the response you hope for. However, maybe just ask him so you get closure either way?

It’s also unusual that a mother would only be having their child 30% maximum and then be wanting even more time away. Are you sure this is true?

Very sure @Shapemyeyebrows There are quite a lot of women who don't have their children more than 50%. They just don't frequent (or are too scared to admit it on) MN.

He had the child every Monday evening to Saturday teatime. We'd arrange something for Saturday evening into Sunday and then ex would need him to have the child Saturday night or Sunday. He'd occasionally get a little payback from ex as she'd offer to have the child Monday evening. He never asked for her to pay the time back.

Ex knew the wider family issues were going on for him, and that he was trying to be supportive as much as he could. Yet she still kept asking him for his very small remaining time for their child instead of letting him give the support that was needed.

The two school summer holidays we were together he had to make childcare arrangements for his child 5 out of the 6 weeks. She "couldn't" have more than a week's holiday. So he had to sort everything.

@Drdoomish I think there’s a lot to unpick there. But in short, I wouldn’t be getting back involved in this situation no. Especially as it’s you who would be driving any sort of reconciliation when you previously got bare minimum from him.

Ah, a typical MN response.

"There's a lot to unpick there"

I suspect there would be nothing to unpick if it was a woman posting that she had her child 70% of the time and her ex would "need" her to have the child most of the other 30% with little payback.

I accepted a while ago that if anything was going to happen again between us, then he had to drive it and the child had to be at least 16. The message intensity & his flirting last weekend made me wonder if I should ask the question. After sitting on it, I recognise I need him to ask the question, not me.

I am in a similar situation. I wasn’t even priority 2 after his kids.
NC for 3 months and he started the flirting again.
We‘ve met a couple of times for sex, but I’m not making myself available whenever he wants me. We have an agreement to have exclusive sex.
He‘s gone quiet again - I get on with my life and stop worrying about it.
I’m crazy about him but know he doesn’t have much space for me at the moment.
Life is too short and it is good to know I can have good sex with someone I know well and trust in bed.
Wait and see how it goes with your ex. He could disappoint you all over again. I know you have said he is shy but let him do the chasing.

I think go for it, life is to short, but protect your heart. Tell him your feelings, and concerns and go from there. Nothing ventured nothing gained. Good luck

I'd advise finding someone who doesn't give you angst. Why would you pursue that?!

This. OP, you asking him out would just give him the idea that his behaviour was in fact OK all along and you’ve realised you were wrong.

Plus, what does ‘being on call for the wider family’ mean? Why do they need so much attention/time?

Never make someone a priority when all you are is an option.

I’d go for it. I thought MN liked good dads who put their children first? And didn’t like men who prioritise their girlfriends over the child?

You go in this time knowing the score. Have a proper chat about your expectations and how you could make this work. Think of solutions ~ even if that’s about him pushing back against his ex and showing you’re a priority.

You sound like you really like him and he sounds like a good guy who is maybe struggling to manage his time and family commitments. Shame to miss out especially as, if you’re in your 50s, the parenting time won’t be for ever.

I’d go for it. I thought MN liked good dads who put their children first? And didn’t like men who prioritise their girlfriends over the child

I think the idea is that a good man won't date someone who needs more of his time than he can afford, after childcare. It's not that women should put up with men who don't have the time for them because they're busy with their kids.

Why go back to something that didn’t make you happy last time? Is the dating pool that bad that he is the only option?

Is the dating pool that bad that he is the only option?

The dating pool doesn't make me laugh like him @Ithh , orgasm like him, care for me like him, be exciting like him, engage with me like him, plan lovely treats for me like him, be friends with me like him or click with me like him.

Find someone who does, without the addition of the tricky past and the angst. You seem to have him on a pedestal even though he's your ex.

As someone else alluded, thr mumsnet concensus is a good dad puts his kids before a girlfriend unless it means him cancelling dates to be a dad, but he should still out kids before girlfriend....

Ie, it's a lose lose for the majority of posters.

However, I've been there, my dp has children and had to cancel on occasion and it was bloody hard. However we talked about it, there were some gu e and take on both parts and we are now a merged family, happy and have been for over a decade. I get on well with his kids, he with mine, and we weathered the storm. I'm sure we will have more challenges but I can safely say it was worth getting over the initial ones. Just if you try again, have clear and agreed expectations and communicate. Decide whether you'd regret not trying more, than trying and failing. Kids grow up and the need parents less. It's not a ' u broke up before so why go back' scenario, but it is tricky and you need to be ready for that

My take on it would be this: If you can have a grown-up conversation about the whole situation and you are happy to be his chosen friend again, but you both agree that his child is the most important person in the relationship while they are dependant, then go for it.

Negotiate about the wider family thing though. You need to be sure that you are at least equal to them.

I've been in the situation where it was his dog, his parents, me in that order. At the start the dog and I were about equal. By the end, I was bottom of the heap and knew that that was that!

Also been in situation where he had children, and I set the rule that they had to come first, before anything or I'd have kicked his arse.

Don't go by somebody else's rules, do be honest especially with yourself.

But only occassionally as he's so busy with his kids. Did you laugh and feel cared for every time he let you down? Are you laughing and feeling cared for whilst waiting for him to ask you out again?

You make it sound so easy! The mid 50s dating pool is slim. The man I'm currently seeing is nice enough but too glass half empty for me. He's the best of a bad bunch.

Having been friends for years with ex before getting together means there's a lot of history and loads of laughs and fun and care and crazy and giggles and memories that came for a long time pre dating.

I didn't say it was easy. It can be done though, and it's easier than the idea of settling long term with someone who gives you angst. The dating pool doesn't have to be full of gems. You only want one. They can all be tossers apart from that.

I think we get that your ex is fab. But he's an ex. He's not 'the best possible partner' for you, because you have previously broken up. That wouldn't have happened if he was the super-partner for you that you seem to think he is, because he would have done a better job of meeting your needs before, if he was.

I can never understand it when people create a thread on here about a person then the OP gets defensive about the person they created a thread about. 🤷‍♀️ If this man is so great and amazing, and there is nothing to unpick about his situation with his ex, or him putting you way down on the list then why didn’t you just stay in the situation you were in? Most people are saying you deserve better than what this man is offering, or not offering in this case. However, if you want to be with him and accept the snippets of good, then ask him for a drink and see what he says. If that’s what you really want then go for it, it will give you closure at least. I’m just not sure it sounds like he’s on the same page as you. My worry would be that in the end, he’s the one who actually ended it, and that apparently his situation has improved but you still haven’t seen him in a year. Whatever happens, good luck. 🤞

Maybe I'm a sucker for a second chance. I would text him and say something like

I am going to be direct and just ask you....The texts recently have felt quite flirty. Maybe I'm reading this wrong but are you thinking you want to talk about "us". I'm asking as I'm not great at reading things like this.

The reaction will tell you all you need to know

No way, he has to come to you, he ended it, because of his behaviour. By all means carry on with the texting and flirting, but he needs to come to you. It about respect, his respect for his, your respect for yourself.

Have you changed your feelings about his prioritising of his child? Are you now accepting that you will be cancelled last minute if his ex needs him to have the child? Have you come to terms with the idea that he will fulfil what he sees as his his responsibilities to his family, whether that inconveniences you or not?
Because if not, reheating old meat won't make it taste any better.