Ridiculous infatuation with someone I've not even met

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MUMSNET HQ PLEASE DO NOT SHARE THIS ON THE FACEBOOK PAGE, THANK YOU!

Ok, so this is pretty embarrassing. Need someone to talk some sense into me.

I started chatting to a man on a Facebook group we're both part of. He lives in a state in America I've always wanted to visit which I didn't know until after we started chatting.

Initially we only spoke about the topic of the group, then we were interested in each others lifestyles so lots of questions to find out the differences. Then lots of voice notes to listen to each others accents, then on to phone calls/face time.

Anyway, it's been good fun but we've been messaging/talking on the phone more and more. Like, from the minute we get up until we go to sleep. Photos of where we are or funny memes right up to family things (I've actually spoken to his Dad and his sister!)

I have always wanted to visit and he has offered to show me around, but that's not something I could do right away because of cost/family commitments - would likely be next year.

I suppose I'm posting because I know it's a silly infatuation. He is a complete gentlemen, all that's been said is we find each other very attractive and wished we lived closer, so nothing untoward. He actually cancelled a date and stayed home speaking to me.

I'm not complaining about the amount of time we are spending talking to each other because we just hit it off and get on really well despite having opposing political views (which has made for some really interesting conversations!) so I am enjoying.

Buuuut...while it's always been on my bucket list to visit, I would never move there and I doubt he would never move here so all seems pretty pointless building up all this 'intimacy' and making each other so much a part of each others day to day lives.

Do I just go with the flow until it ultimately fizzles out? Do I plan the trip? Or do I intentionally start to withdraw because it's pointless?

(I know this isn't actually even interesting but just in case, please don't share on the FB page, thanks again!)

Why would you never move there?
I’ve had similar relationships, online although UK based so not so far away. It’s all consuming and feels very intense.
You only get the good parts, not the annoying habits you would see in a ‘real’ relationship. Not getting annoyed at his mess or leaving the toilet seat up.

Personally I’d try to meet up with him and see how it ends up. Either it will fizzle out, or you never know it might end up going somewhere. Probably not the most practical advice, but I do think you don’t have that many deep connections in your life in my experience

No, that is very practical advice because it is an option, thank you!

My children are late teens/early 20s and all want to start a family at some point (not for a few years!) so I want to stay near them and be involved in my future grandchildren's lives. I know it's not promised but I wouldn't want to leave my children anyway.

Thank you for understanding. It is just so hard to connect with someone these days, online dating is a complete nightmare. It's been a very long time since I have connected with someone this way so it is very disappointing they are so far away.

And yes, I totally get your point about only getting the best bits. That's why I feel so silly being swept up in this! I'm old enough to know better.

I guess I will just take this happiness while it lasts and see about making that trip. Wouldn't be longer than a week so not a massive commitment, I would be staying in an airbnb too so no pressure to be together the whole time and there is plenty I can go and do/see myself.

Do I just go with the flow until it ultimately fizzles out? Do I plan the trip? Or do I intentionally start to withdraw because it's pointless

Have a look at which option will turn out with the best outcome in a year. What will you look back on and be glad you did? There's no right or wrong answer, this is you asking you a question about you, so nobody can tell you you're wrong.

Will you be glad in a year that you nipped this in the bud? Will you be living with him in a year? Will you have been glad you enjoyed the long-distance fling for a while?

I think, ultimately, this is happening because you're struggling to find a relationship, rather than because there's nobody more conveniently located for you. What happened with OLD to make you deem it 'a nightmare'? Isn't it just somewhere where you've found some men but not the one you want, yet? I think finding it 'a nightmare' shows you're investing too much. It's like saying a supermarket is a nightmare because you went in for washing up liquid and they didn't have the one you wanted. Surely you just keep looking?

Maybe he would consider moving to you if it did turn into something.

Go visit him, see the state, have some fun. If you don't you'll probably always wonder and maybe regret.

It's not like while you're so infatuated with him, anyone else would have a chance anyway.

Tbh op I would consider it love bombing. I know it sounds all romantic, the idea of talking to someone all day, but it's not. This man isn't even actually in your life yet, monopolises all your time.

When they want you to be stuck to your computer or phone 24/7 taking to them, they are not emotionally healthy. Thry are emotionally needy and usually narcissists or similar.

The whole cancelling his date and letting you chat with his family stuff are just further ways to speed up your attachment to him. They act like they are 'all in' to make you go all in.

I would let this fizzle out. It's not genuine. Sorry.

Ps: if be was a genuinely great man, then he would go on a date he had arranged with a real person not cancel on her (at the last minute?) for an online person. If he treats women that way, he'll treat you that way too. As if your time and convenience is not important.

Infact, he's already doing that by monopolising all your time talking.

You don't notice because you enjoy talking to him. But it's not normal or respectful behavior from him.

Why not just enjoy it for what it is?
Has it got to go anywhere if you are having fun at the moment?

@Watchkeys I don't spend time bothering with online dating anymore, I meant when I have everyone was so rude, they literally start asking for sex or nudes only a few messages in! I don't think online dating is for me. But I guess that has what has made it so refreshing talking to someone who hasn't said as much as one sexual reference (yes, I know that's the bare minimum). I haven't actually even been looking, I'm quite happy single and decided a while ago that if I was to meet someone it would be organically and not online.

@Pinkbonbon I suppose I haven't looked at it that way because I genuinely do enjoy speaking to him about all sorts of stuff, he hasn't made any demands of time at all. What starts out as a couple of message or meant to be a quick chat just keeps going on. I hadn't considered the date and I suppose it wasn't very nice. It was meant to be date 2, the first one hadn't gone very well but he thought she might have just been nervous so agreed to the second but then as it got closer changed his mind. She wasn't stood up and I believe he has spoken to her about it since to explain, but I don't ask details about that sort of thing because it's ridiculous when we live so far apart. But definitely food for thought there. And the family thing was just to say hello and because they wanted to hear my accent so nothing heavy, I only mentioned it before anyone said he probably had a wife and family!

Thank you @category12 and @MmedeGouge

I'm quite happy single

Then don't make any promises and enjoy yourself. Why do you need an answer?

Good question. I suppose I feel a bit silly being my age and getting swept up in something like a silly teenager? Perhaps I wanted permission to enjoy it for what it is? I don't know. I haven't told anyone irl because I feel a bit embarrassed.

But thank you, it's really helped.

You're not swept up. You're chatting to someone you like chatting to. Respect yourself!

He may be married or an imposter/fake. Online scams are growing rapidly, voices, family members, video calls mean very little now. Sometimes they then use your photos sent just to him to scam another victim (as you cannot reverse image search). Or You may meet him and he smells or his body language puts you off. The sex may absolutely suck. He may kiss like a fish. So you may be wasting time if you actually want a relationship.

I met someone years ago, then it turned to an online/phone/text/postal relationship but we met monthly. It was extremely intense due to the constant messaging, phone calls and handwritten letters through the post. It intensifies any relationship so quickly. He was a great guy, we had chemistry from day one. But conversation and chemistry are not everything. We had different life plans. I ended up calling it off, I really loved him but it was the right thing to do. No regrets at all and I really hope he has a lovely life.

@Watchkeys thank you!

@Fairymcclary he is definitely not an imposter, that's one thing I'm certain of. I'm on his social media accounts that have been long running, you can see everything and everything matches what he has told me. He is divorced with one child, all his family are on there too. I'm not on their socials but see anything they've tagged him in. Also the video calls can be when either of us are outside and we show each other what our areas look like.

But yeah, your second paragraph is what stood out. And I guess why I was thinking maybe withdraw because if we do go ahead with meeting (and it is me who wants to travel as it's always been a dream of mine to visit there!), what if I develop REAL feelings when ultimately I know it won't go anywhere and then I'll be upset..

But I have decided I'm just going to enjoy what it is at the moment. You never know, either one of us could meet someone before I visit anyway!

Thanks again

Have you actually made a video call with him?

I have scammers every days on Facebook messaging me. They join groups to target women.

Just enjoy it for what it is! It’s rare you meet someone who you click with and the talking going on forever without either person getting bored.

I met someone online under similar circumstances also from another country and we grew from immediate friends to meeting up a year later and now about to move in together and get married. I was never looking for a relationship and thought I was too old but sometimes life throws you a surprise and I couldn’t be happier.
Wishing you happiness whatever you decide is right for you.

@MariePaperRoses yes, lots. He'll video call me when he's out as well to show me local landmarks or even silly stuff like shopping at Walmart!

@TwirlyWitch oh what a lovely story! I'm so happy for you both x

Doing something you enjoy isn't pointless is it? The point is the pleasure you get from it.
As long as you're not by passing opportunities that have a more realistic chance of leading to your life goals because of it, why stop something you're enjoying?

Thank you! And no, not all. I'm normally a complete realist which is why I think I've been over thinking this so definitely not stopping any opportunities, I've just not been looking then the first person that I've clicked with just happens to live thousands of miles away when I wasn't expecting it!

Thanks again, I'm glad I posted.

Ah OP, I get it. This is how my husband and I met 10+ years ago! Not America but opposite ends of Britain (north of Scotland v very south of England) and spoke quite intensely like you two. What made it easier was that we could meet fairly quickly, which obviously isn't quite the same for you, but it's not an uncommon scenario. There are several couples who have formed from the same hobby we met, some of whom are from different continents.

If you tell him everything, does he know you are on Mumsnet ?