racist views tolerated within mixed family

[dollygrip]

I have elderly parents (80s) , who whilst fairly independent are beginning to require a bit more help, which my husband and me are happy to offer, and we visit weekly.

They have 4 grandchildren, 2 from my late brother, 2 from me. The mother of my DNs is of a different ethnicity so my niece and nephew are mixed race, and my own DH is of another different ethnicity, so my own DDs are also mixed. They are all young adults. Over the years he has apparently been a generally good and loving grandfather.

The issue I have is that my father in particular keeps coming out with remarks that are racist. A few years ago I wouldn't have thought he would have said stuff like this. For instance on selling a house, 'Were the buyers Asian? I wouldn't be surprised if they messed you around'. (buyers were white English actually, but that's irrelevant). This kind of remark. And he has no compunction in saying this in front of his own, partly Asian grandkids. Whom he purports to love dearly. I find it very distressing. I did phone and challenge him about it a few months ago, but just got huffing and 'are you saying I'm racist then?'. No apology. He is quick to call other people racist, and I am sure in his own eyes he is not. He also makes homophobic and sexist remarks. But he gets on fairly well with my husband. And with his gay hairdresser. So I suppose he thinks as he does not treat individuals badly, it is all right to continue making these sorts of remarks.

They had a friendship lasting decades with a couple. A few years ago they were invited round to this couple's house and told me sadly afterwards how the couple had made racist remarks throughout the day 'even though they know about our family'. I assume they didn't challenge the couple though. They insisted on continuing the friendship though, and acted as though I was unreasonable when I suggested they not be invited to an event they were hosting. The wife died a few months ago and they have been talking to the husband on the phone a lot to offer emotional support. Dad mentioned this the other day 'poor old X, he's a good old boy. Quite racist of course though!' Being racist is not a minor character foible! Why does this long standing friendship apparently mean more to them than sticking up for their own grandchildren??

I don't think it is dementia, as in other ways he seems to manage his affairs pretty much as usual, although he is starting to find dealing with organisations through call centres and things like technology more tricky. We assist him with that. But certainly he thinks highly of himself and is happy to bash other people over the head with his opinions. The trouble is perhaps that he is quite sociable (which he prides himself on) and his friends are mostly elderly white men, fairly well off, similar to himself, so he lives in a bit of bubble.

He's not a bad person and not really blatantly racist, but considering the composition of his family I find him coming out with this stuff really inappropriate. Well nobody should be racist of course, but in his case, it should surely be obvious to him not to go down this road.

I can't discuss it with my daughters, they would be very distressed. I discussed it with DH, he thinks I should tell him it make me sad, not angry. In reality I am angry as well though!

Has anyone else had a similar thing in their family and how on earth do I deal with this?

I understand that you don't want to go NC but can you be blunt with him?

Tell him that if he loved the kids in his family he will behave himself at Christmas. If not, the kids won't be round again.

My son is mixed race and if anyone was spouting racist views in their presence, it would be the last time they seen them.

Not sure what the demographic is where you live but I absolutely know older racist Asian people.

I also know older black people who mocked my sister for years for not being black enough.
( We're mixed)

I also dated an Indian man whose parents hated him dating outside his race.

It's not just old white people.

OP, you say that you don't want to discuss it with your adult dcs or adult nephews because you're worried about upsetting them. However, I think they are likely to be more upset about you appearing not to notice it. I'm sure that they're not stupid and they have noticed that grandad is racist. Wouldn't it be better for them to know that you see it and to ask them for their thoughts on how to address it? Saying nothing to them might look like you don't think it's that important?

My dd is mixed race and I would absolutely talk to her if she was exposed to racism in our family. Fortunately, despite being in their 80s or 90s, none of my parents or aunts and uncles would dream of making racist comments. Your kids shouldn't have to put up with this.

@MrsBennetsPoorNerves With my DCs and DNs I must explain that he was never like this when they were kids, they're all in their twenties now and something has changed with him. He normally says stuff like that when I am alone with my parents. Although I did hear him make one remark when DD2 was there, the stupid 'Asians mess you around in house transactions' idea again, which he keeps harking back to. DD2 appeared not to notice.

And once the same thing again when a DN was there, again no reaction from them but I was mortified. But usually it's just me, well I am there more often.

I did attempt to discuss it with DD2, she is the sweetest girl but can't stand any unpleasantness. She said 'Mum, can you please not tell me negative things about people I love'. So I dropped it, I feel I can't bring it up with her, but still it is up to me to deal with it behind the scenes.

So like I say DDs and DNs were not exposed to this as kids, but obviously they can still be affected, and now DGNs are getting to an age where they might hear something, which would be appalling obviously.

So sorry you’re dealing with this. I’m half Asian (adopted into a white family) and although I know deep down my family aren’t racist. There are off key comments, daily mail esque views creeping in. My eldest brother is a very ignorant football lad type, who used to come out with routinely racist comments and I’d exhaust myself arguing and debating with him. In the end I’d just get a “it’s different innit” (when explaining I’m an immigrant and so is his Irish mother). I know the disappointment and how much the comments sting.
I gave up saying anything for a long time but now I’ve had a discussion as I don’t want my daughter thinking this behaviour is okay. I want her to know her heritage and mix is beautiful ❤️ I think maybe a conversation is needed ❤️ good luck

@Babybelle23 thank you for sharing your experience, sorry you've had to deal with it. People can be so crap can't they?

I must say something, he always used to be a reasonable man, so hopefully I can get through to him.

Thanks to all the people who've taken the trouble to post their relevant experiences on here. I've written down all the things I need to say, had a stiff drink and geared myself up to phone them. Only to find my dad has gone for a nap! I've asked for a callback when he wakes. Didn't tell Mum what it's about.

I see there is a related thread today on AIBU about being the white parent of a mixed race child. I am starting to think that just being non-racist myself was never enough. It's a minefield. And when people change (due to age?) it can throw you completely off course.

Wish me luck.

Good luck I hope he understands and takes it all on board