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Original poster

Help talk me down from my insecurities...

22 replies

Garlicnaan · 14/09/2023 19:57

DP is going on a business trip abroad for 6 days, leaving very early tomorrow morning. He usually WFH and I've heard a few times from his office a fairly new female colleague talking to him on video calls, they clearly get on well and when it's just the two of them at the start or end she uses a different, softer voice (but I usually can't make out what they're saying, I think personal chat though not work related). I did once hear her call him up just to tell him gushingly how amazing he was at his job.

I've seen a photo of her (and to my shame, stalked her on social media) and she's very much his type based on what I see and know of her and also appears to be single. The other night we were sitting on sofa together and I saw someone had messaged a heart emoji to him, and it was her.

He's been a little vague about who was on this trip with him but he eventually mentioned she will be there.

I'm just feeling really insecure about it to be honest. I think part of that is how I feel about myself, our relationship and family life. It's not much fun a lot of the time (DD is having a "difficult" phase), I've put weight on too and am feeling crap about myself.

I trust him and I don't think he'd be unfaithful to me, but doesn't everyone say that? If anything he seems to be making more effort with me than he would usually. It's more that I don't know or trust her. I feel sick thinking about it all. For reasons I don't want to get into, I can't bring it up with him tonight before he leaves.

I think I'm just being silly, please help reassure me.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 14/09/2023 19:59

Hmmm, I wouldn’t be thrilled in your shoes, sorry.

frozendaisy · 14/09/2023 20:35

You don't need to trust her, you only need to trust him.

He's going in the morning you need a plan of distraction or you will drive yourself nuts.

Ask yourself is he likely to blow up his whole life for a quick away with work shag?

Find some decent box sets.
Get a meal plan together so you do fuck all cooking.
Have an indulgent bath every night and enjoy the space

Think of it as a week when you can actually miss each other for once.

Relationships don't hold together because you keep a tight hold and make sure they are in the house at all times.

And you really can't talk to him? You created a human together and you can't say that him going away with young, fresh work colleagues whilst "fat me" stays here is temporarily sending you a bit paranoid that he will think life is better in the fast lane and "fat me" and DD are not as exciting anymore.

frozendaisy · 14/09/2023 20:49

My H WFH most of the time.
His first week trip to meet his international colleagues he didn't want to go. I had to basically kick him out.

He needed it.
Think about your DP, he WFH, no change in his environment during his working day. I know it's more normal but it's good to just be around some different adults from time to time.

You have blown up some female colleague into something it's not. Yes they might, MIGHT, be a bit more flirty than other colleagues, but that's not unusual, we live in modern times not the Victorian age and who hasn't flirted "a bit" at work, to either get something done or just to not be a cold, unapproachable colleague.

So if you aren't going to talk to him about getting paranoid, and for the record if I ever get a bit jealous or paranoid my H thinks it's sweet because it's because I love him and care, and then, if needed reassures me. But I just blurt it out and after a round of "you and the kids are my whole world it's why I go to work" we are back on the "go have fun, buy the kids a present, shine, enjoy meeting the team, can't wait to hear all about it when you get back" vibe.

Not a lot else you can do OP.

But seriously think about it, he is going to be much happier going if you aren't being weird and paranoid without telling him why beforehand. Isn't it better for everyone if you can be ok with him going, because he has to, because it's work. That's all it is.

Original poster
Garlicnaan · 14/09/2023 21:01

Thanks

I will say he usually WFH, but actually has met this colleague a lot face to face as well.

The reason I don't want to bring it up is because he seems really stressed and distracted about the trip and has to go to bed v soon to get up for the flight. He's not been sleeping well recently and the last thing I want is to affect that, it's an important trip for his business.

I will try to enjoy the time to myself, before I saw the text message I was looking forward to being a slob watching crap TV by myself!

OP posts:
Original poster
Garlicnaan · 14/09/2023 21:09

And you really can't talk to him? You created a human together and you can't say that him going away with young, fresh work colleagues whilst "fat me" stays here is temporarily sending you a bit paranoid that he will think life is better in the fast lane and "fat me" and DD are not as exciting anymore.

Yes this is exactly how I feel. I have actually had a similar situation, years ago (about 8 years ago). I'd not long had DD and DP had a bad case of mentionitis of this woman at work who had not long broken up with her BF. I said a version of the above to him, he was great, reassured me and stopped talking about her. She soon moved to a different job.

I think this is also why I feel stupid saying it again asking with the reasons above. He's never expressed similar insecurities with me. Maybe because I don't work with any younger, attractive men! Also I'm becoming increasingly aware now at my age that women really don't get much attention whereas men very much still do, including from women 10 years younger than me.

This woman going on the trip is so cool, interesting and effusive (and at least 10 years younger), I think maybe I'm jealous of her. And even though I trust my DP not to do anything, I wonder if he will still look at her and wish his life was different.

OP posts:
Original poster
Garlicnaan · 14/09/2023 21:42

He's gone to sleep, I've gone into the bathroom and he's had out some grooming things he doesn't usually use, haven't seen him use them in years. He's been taking a bit more care of his appearance/ hair in past few weeks, got a new style.

I'm putting this down to his own insecurities.

I'm tempted to look at his phone - for reassurance. That's wrong though isn't it.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 14/09/2023 21:57

I think I'm just being silly, please help reassure me

If you can't ask him to do this, you're in trouble. Not because he's likely to have an affair, but because your partner should be making time to reassure you if you ask them to. There's a glitch in the communication pattern in your relationship, where you feel shitty about something but you can't tell him, so he's none the wiser and it feel like he's being insensitive. Even if this trip is completely innocent, your relationship isn't healthy.

Sorry. Not what you wanted to hear, really. But anybody who is asking to be 'talked down' from their own feelings isn't respecting themselves.

silvertoil · 14/09/2023 22:03

If he leaves his phone lying around the clue is probably not on there, so probably doesn't help you to gain certainty?

Original poster
Garlicnaan · 14/09/2023 22:10

Watchkeys · 14/09/2023 21:57

I think I'm just being silly, please help reassure me

If you can't ask him to do this, you're in trouble. Not because he's likely to have an affair, but because your partner should be making time to reassure you if you ask them to. There's a glitch in the communication pattern in your relationship, where you feel shitty about something but you can't tell him, so he's none the wiser and it feel like he's being insensitive. Even if this trip is completely innocent, your relationship isn't healthy.

Sorry. Not what you wanted to hear, really. But anybody who is asking to be 'talked down' from their own feelings isn't respecting themselves.

I get what you're saying.

Honestly 99% of the time we have healthy conversations and I'm very open about my feelings.

I've explained a bit as to why I've not brought it up this time (don't want to add to his stress / be another "problem" for him right now).

I don't usually feel insecure at all. It's just hit me tonight.

OP posts:
Tomhanksismine · 14/09/2023 22:12

The heart emoji from her would bother me too OP.

Original poster
Garlicnaan · 14/09/2023 22:12

silvertoil · 14/09/2023 22:03

If he leaves his phone lying around the clue is probably not on there, so probably doesn't help you to gain certainty?

Yeah that's a good point.

I'm trying to see the positives here - in that it's made me realise I'd be absolutely broken if he did cheat, and I still want him. We've had a few rough patches recently and I've probably been a bit ambivalent.

OP posts:
Original poster
Garlicnaan · 14/09/2023 22:20

Tomhanksismine · 14/09/2023 22:12

The heart emoji from her would bother me too OP.

She sounds like a really lovely effusive person (towards DP anyway) from when I've overheard her so I wonder if this just carries over into her use of emoji. It could have been a heart message "reaction" rather than just her sending hearts (it was on WhatsApp). I would use heart emoji with some of my own work colleagues without thinking twice. It just happens that none of them is single, male or attractive.

OP posts:
Tomhanksismine · 14/09/2023 22:32

Garlicnaan · 14/09/2023 22:20

She sounds like a really lovely effusive person (towards DP anyway) from when I've overheard her so I wonder if this just carries over into her use of emoji. It could have been a heart message "reaction" rather than just her sending hearts (it was on WhatsApp). I would use heart emoji with some of my own work colleagues without thinking twice. It just happens that none of them is single, male or attractive.

Show quote history

Ah ok, well that doesn't sound as bad now you put it like that. I'd talk to your DP about it if you feel apprehensive.

Frogger8395 · 14/09/2023 22:40

Fuck this shit. I wouldn’t be happy at all about the heart emoji and the sudden interest in his grooming. Have a look at his phone so you know if he’s going to be fucking off with half your savings.

catrescuelady · 14/09/2023 22:45

The grooming sounds suspicious more than the heart emoji.

Tomhanksismine · 14/09/2023 22:45

Frogger8395 · 14/09/2023 22:40

Fuck this shit. I wouldn’t be happy at all about the heart emoji and the sudden interest in his grooming. Have a look at his phone so you know if he’s going to be fucking off with half your savings.

I'm so gonna start using this expression again!

Original poster
Garlicnaan · 14/09/2023 23:20

I can't believe I did this and already feel awful but just snuck a very quick look at his phone. I was worried I would wake him so just looked really quickly.

From what I saw the messages were friendly, caring and sometimes a bit jokey but nothing romantic or sexual there at all, unless you count the heart emojis which I think is just her way of showing appreciation for him when he's said nice or helpful things, sort of like saying thank you.

As well as a few work related messages, there was some personal back and forth asking about how things are and what they have been up to, referring to things that are clearly continuations of other conversations outside of WhatsApp, some messages about and during a social occasion one of them was at, also looks like they arranged to meet up out of the office one day? But I'm assuming to discuss work as there's nothing in the messages to suggest otherwise. I don't know why they wouldn't just meet in the office though.

So overall I think that's ok.

OP posts:
Original poster
Garlicnaan · 14/09/2023 23:30

catrescuelady · 14/09/2023 22:45

The grooming sounds suspicious more than the heart emoji.

The grooming I think goes specifically hand in hand with the new style - if he hadn't had it, he wouldn't have used the product. So it kind of makes sense thinking about it. He asked me a few weeks ago what I thought suited him best regarding another aspect of his appearance too. He has done this before, very occasionally (maybe once every year or two).

There is only one other thing that's changed recently, which is that he is being much more proactive about sex. It certainly needed a bit of a boost though and we both acknowledged that in a conversation a few months ago so that would explain that change in behaviour.

OP posts:
Frogger8395 · 14/09/2023 23:41

Rough patch. Personal gushing messages from attractive colleague. Meeting with same colleague outside of work. Heart emojis. Reluctant to say she’s going on the trip. New style, new grooming. More sex.

These things are not insecurities. They are valid concerns. The heart emojis to a male married colleague are inappropriate and weird. At least acknowledge that.

Original poster
Garlicnaan · 15/09/2023 00:04

Hmm Frogger, food for thought.

I do trust him not to cheat. But I wonder if he's had his head turned. Maybe he fancies her, but I don't think he would act on it.

There's not much I can do about it now anyway. He's going on this trip with her regardless.

OP posts:
Dery · 15/09/2023 00:15

He may fancy her. I fancy other men from time to time. I regard that as normal in a long-term relationship. The vow to forsake all others wouldn’t be necessary if everyone else just ceased to be attractive. The point of commitment is that you put your partner and your love for them ahead of a passing attraction to someone else. So even if he does fancy her a bit, it doesn’t in itself matter.

Original poster
Garlicnaan · 15/09/2023 00:23

Exactly Dery.

I just need to find a man to fancy now! It's been decades!

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