Sex and fertility

[FruitoftheLoop]

Name changed as my posting history would out me to friends if any saw this.

The dilemma is, do you (and how do you) stay in a sexless relationship forever?

For context, I've been with DH for 15 years. Planned a family right from the start, after 2 years with no luck we took fertility tests, identified low sperm motility, did IVF and conceived.

We planned to keep trying, with breaks, for another. Subsequent attempts were not successful for various reasons but we are now in the position to try again, with good chances.

However, we haven't actually had sex for more than 5 years now and the situation of trying to conceive via IVF whilst not actually having a loving physical relationship, hurts and feels surreal.

It's difficult to explain but after some conversations about the lack of intimacy around that time which hurt us both, we have been almost unable to talk about it or do anything about it. I've never experienced this in other relationships and it's killed my self-esteem. I have tried to talk to him about it over the years but there is just this weird block. We're both from families where you 'put up and shut up', I swore I wouldn't be in a relationship like this, but here I am.

We are now many years on from having our child and I have been so frustrated for years but I've buried my feelings and I hardly recognise myself sometimes. I have broached the subject recently and from what he has said, I think he may be impotent, though he has never said this before.

I am sure he has feelings of inadequacy about the infertility and though I have always been mindful to be as supportive as possible about it, I know this must be difficult. For my part, perimenopause is approaching and I feel like I'm starting to have a bit of a mid-life crisis. After years of being SURE I wanted to keep trying for another child, I am suddenly feeling that it might be wiser to let go of this, if it means having to continue to live a kind of lie.

Has anyone had any kind of similar experience? Has anyone tried any kind of couples therapy that has helped (to talk through this stuff)? Does anyone live in a loving relationship without intimacy even though you crave it - and what do you do with all of the sadness?

The only way a sexless relationship works is if both people are equally happy with there being no sex. That isn't the case here.

It's good that you recognised it would be absurd to have IVF for another child when you haven't had sex for half a decade.

One of two things is going to happen here if you stay together: either you both put significant time and effort, wholeheartedly, into reigniting your shared intimate life. Or you'll meet someone you have chemistry with, and in a moment of vulnerability... you'll cross that line, because you're desperate to feel desired and alive again.

Would he do sex therapy with you? If not, it's probably time to think about separation.

If you can't talk about it and find a solution together then it's over. Walk away and find somebody to get shag happy with.
You could try a counsellor but tbh I think if you can't sort it between you and if he's holding feelings he won't express then involving somebody else isn't going to be a miracle cure.

I have been aware of the danger of meeting someone I ‘spark’ with and it’s affected the way I behave in that I’ve closed myself down with friends and colleagues for years, to avoid any potential feelings blossoming.

To be honest I’m probably not going to attract anyone at this point (being less attractive!) so without that fear I have let myself at least FEEL things over the last few months which is probably why I’m now having to address things.

It’s such a ridiculous situation. Part of me is screaming ‘who do you think you are?!’ because this is what my mothers generation (and many people still) experience in marriage when you’ve committed to ‘forever’.

I’d be interested to know if sex-therapy actually works for anyone.