Im getting more stressed in my relationship and feel guilty

[Littleegs2023]

Im in a weird place at the moment and Im really starting to think its something about me thats just not stable.

Been seeing my partner a while now and I own my own house, no kids, lovely dogs, run my own business, trying to juggle a few other things with work, run with my club, go to the gym, have friends and lead a highly active/busy life from 7am until 8pm most week days, all these I love by the way!! I am not great at sitting down watching a film or TV unless its at the weekend and just love learning new things and keeping my mind active which involves reading loads all the time, studying and courses, you are probably exhausted reading this too lol...Since breaking from my long term partner 4 years ago, I have re built my life socially as well as mentally and feel I have gained a lot and sorted myself out shall we say, with a nice balance!

I have noticed lately, I am getting more "stressed and resentful" around my partner which means I dont feel close/intimate. He has split from his ex 3 years ago, moved to his own flat/renting it and sees his 12 year old son about 4 times a week but there is no real set dates/times but seems to work for them etc and its all good. He hasnt done anything until now re divorce/ex, until now, because his ex is moving in with her new partner in December. Their house is now on the market, well has been for 4 months now and his divorce is going through at the same time. She has moved on with this man and is moving over to live with him, as he has bought a house now with her in December. Strangely I feel jealous that they have moved on and he has sorted his life out for her to move on with him in only a year the same time we have been together.

I am very much someone who likes to see where life is heading, making plans and I have planned and suggested many things when I first met my partner and also always asking to try new things, go away which we have, I also see his son too and done some great things. I see my partner once in the week, but also on Saturday night to Monday morning too, this suits us both, because in that time we do a lot together and its nice, but the other times, I like to do my gym, friends, fitness, study, job etc etc. He wants to see me more, he has said another night in the week etc. For me it would be too much though as I have a lot on in the evenings. I use to be quite dependent on exes before and never had a social life or a life and I lost myself in the process, I have learnt never to do this again!

I am away next year with my friends, skiing, but he thinks it would be nice to go with him, however he doesnt ski and he has suggested I teach him skiing to which I have replied no, but to go on a course which he was going to do with his son to learn but thinks its better for me to teach him?!?

He wanted to see me last night and I said yes, to which wasnt planned but when seeing him, it made me more stressed as I had other things I wanted to do and never did them. I feel my boundaries are not great at the moment with him, or maybe I just need more space and time alone as work is so intense. Our time together is lovely but I do find myself needing time by myself afterwards and I love it too.

So I am feeling here that my life is so much more active, different and varied that mentally he is what feels like learning from me, as I am trying to get him to sort out a lawyer re his house sale/divorce too and after 3 years only just doing this now as he felt it wasnt necessary before and did nothing about it. He admits he has messed up there.

I feel really stressed at the moment too re money as my mortgage payments just increased dramatically to £500 in October. He says he is here for me and we are here as a team, but I am not too sure why I feel this isnt teamwork, I started to get really angry and say its not, Im still waiting on you getting divorced and selling a house, your job has changed twice even though its stable and you went for an interview last 2 weeks and said it was yours, which has turned out not what he thought.....thats stressed me too!!

I would like to learn from someone too and as much as he is lovely and relaxing and we are incredibly close, I feel stressed more being around him and its only just happened now in the last month since seeing him which has resulted in me resenting his situation and not wanting sex too which is strange as we are so close...

He wants his future with me, which is lovely as he does treat me well, taken me away, takes me out, but this is stressing me and i feel everything is overwhelming me more. Do I just need to enjoy and find my own de stress??....

Any advice, my thoughts are his house sold, divorce done, see where he is at, then talk about things re house, I wish he had his own friends, own social life and loved the gym and inspired me, I do feel I am his inspiration which annoys me, but might also be why I am feeling stressed and resentful, without that sounding awful as he is a lovely soul!!

Thank you for reading such a very long post!!

Not really got a lot of advice but I did read your whole post and just wanted to say it sounds a bit like you can't make him a priority and I get from your history why that is. What do you want from him?

No relationship should ever cause you stress!

Reading between the lines, you’re wanting different things. You want a relationship with him, plus your own group of friends, hobbies, etc, but his life revolves around you (and his dc). Basically, You’re beginning to feel suffocated by him. It doesn’t sound like he’s controlling, more just doesn’t have his own independent life away from you.

It just sounds like you aren't compatible OP. You're tying yourself up in knots here. You don't have the same priorities or personalities which is find but it's not working for you.

Agree with a pp - maybe your personalities are just not compatible, however much you like one another.

Sorry I really struggled to understand your point in the whole post. Ultimately though a relationship should be fun and fulfilling and it does not sound like yours is so time to let him go.

You sound like a person who is driven and makes things happen whereas he lets life happen to him and needs to be drug along.

That would irritate me too.

Is he perhaps more laid back, go with the flow and doesn't have many friends? If so, that's likely the problem, you are two completely different types of people.

That can work in some scenarios I think where each can bring a different angle to life to complement each other but that depends on the people at the end of the day.

You say that the two of you are incredibly close: have you told him what you've just told us about how you feel?

If so, what did he say?
If not, can you tell us what it is that stops you?

Fucking hell, you sound like a human pressure cooker, honestly, and it's clear this is not the man for you. I don't think you're in a good place for a relationship in the first place, but especially not with him.

@Watchkeys I havent actually told him this, no but you have a good point, I will do now and do feel suffocated by him which is myself feeling this ongoing stress etc and do need to tell him ,but he will only get upset, hence me not telling him exactly my thoughts on this exactly.

I am worried I guess he wont just get it, and not too sure how to talk to him about this in those exact words....Im not the best at being non subtle at times!!

@Aquamarine1029 lol definitely not a pressure cooker yet, maybe a kettle lol but its bloomin annoying!! I have a lot to offer someone so I feel in a good place and a nice work/life balance, just he has no friends, which is fine as some dont, but I feel guilty seeing mine or going out as he just doesnt etc or have anything other than me and his little one....!!!

@Riverlee yes 100% spot on!!

You're not close, then.

Stop kidding yourself that this is an emotionally healthy relationship. He keeps doing things you don't like, you keep not telling him. You feel increasingly frustrated, and can't tell him that either.

Work out what your needs and wants are in the relationship. Tell him, and ask if he can accommodate them. Stay with him if he can, and leave if he can't.

There doesn't have to be any criticism of his previous actions, or conversations about how you've been feeling unhappy.

If you can't have a simple conversation about fitting your time together into your life comfortably, you don't have a relationship. He needs to respect the fact that you have a life independently from him, but before that, you need to respect that.

Currently, you are disrespecting yourself by doing things you don't want to, and then compounding that disrespect with the added disrespect of not expressing your feelings about it. It's not him you resent, it's you. He's just a bloke who wants to spend time with you. You're the one walking dismissively all over your time alone. He's got no idea.

He may be a ' lovely soul' but you two do not sound cut out for each other. He sounds rather like dead weight to me.
Bin. Move on. You have so much going for you. You can do alot better.