What do you think makes you enduringly love someone?

[strictlybreakdancing]

As an example of what I mean; I have an ex who was completely besotted with me for years. He proposed and was very keen on long term commitment but then after a few years he fell out of love equally quickly and just left. Not for someone else, he just didn't feel the same, left and I never heard from him again.

I have another ex who was a much slower burn and took aaaages to say he loved me. He initially even said he "wasn't ready for a relationship" and it was quite hard actually to get to the "love" stage. I broke things off nearly two years ago because he made a lot of mistakes and he's never stopped loving me and is still sad and misses me. Despite not seeing me at all.

I'm a bit confused about whether "real" love is a feeling that persists even after you don't see someone anymore, or if it's possible for it to just come and go. I'm wondering if sometimes people who deeply love you act like they don't, and vice versa.

How long did it take the second guy to say he loved you?

I think some people form an attachment easier and quicker, and for some it takes longer but it might also take longer to get over losing it.

I would say compassion and consideration for each other along with shared values and experience, and lots of humour. It is our 22nd Wedding Anniversary today, I cannot imagine life without him.

Exposure plays a part as in how often you see or hear someone.

The way they treat you, their depth of consideration for you, little acts of love, like remembering you said you wanted something in passing and it then appears for Christmas. Understanding and tolerance are huge. My Dh has supported me through various medical traumas, has frequently tolerated my overly loud family and has listened and made supportive noises when I hated my job. I’ve done the same for him. It’s a composite of many things and not straightforward. Sometimes, compromise is necessary. I’d rather spend time with him than with anyone else. 25 years married last month.

Love needs affection, allegiance and attraction combined. If you continue to have all three, then love endures.

Well, did you love either of them, whether temporarily or enduringly? It’s noticeable you say nothing about your own feelings, only theirs.

And you can have no idea what the second ex actually feels, surely?

I think people's personal capacity for true and enduring love varies tremendously.
Some people are wired to love enduringly more than others.
Those who are not built for that kind of lasting love probably feel in love as deeply and so express their love as serious and true, it probably feels that way. But in the end it feels as natural to them when their love is no more and they go. Perhaps if they are also honest at heart, over time as they get to know their own self and recognise they are a serial monogamist (for insurance) they could be a little more circumspect in what they promise someone.

For instance, not, for insurance. 😆

Been with my dh 31 years. I can absolutely 100% depend on him. He is my absolute rock. Completely trustworthy. Always has my back. Makes me feel gorgeous despite not being so. Makes me laugh, thinks about ways to make me happy. Ace father to our children. All those things make the love endure. ⁷

I think time alone is the measure of true love. We have been together over 30 years and try to make life a bit easier for each other, help, support and encourage with everyday acts of kindness & consideration. In contrast, many couples who claim to be deeply in love appear to treat each other like shit. Time will tell.

i think it’s completely dependant on the person and their character. Me personally I wouldn’t continue to be in love with someone who didn’t love me back (unless they died!). If they just left me then I’d be sad for a couple weeks and then I’d pick myself up and move on. I may look back longingly and wonder “what if” but continue to invest love to someone who left me? No chance.

But then I know friends who claim to still love an ex from years ago. Who can’t let go of the memories.

I think it does come down to whether you are a ruminator or not.

In terms of how do we continue to love someone we’re in a relationship with, over a long period… deep breaths, a daily choice to commit to them, hard work, seeing them as a team mate not an opposing player. And the same back from them.

18 months

Congratulations, reading posts like this like this make me smile

For all those with nice stories of long lasting love, I still see lots of posts on here from people, who when you read their descriptions of their absolute arsehole of a partner (alcoholic/cheats etc etc) they still come out with the “but I love him so much”

I struggle to get my head around that type of love.

I stopped loving the first one after some time.

The second one, I haven't stopped (yet)

Can you love someone without them loving you back? Or is it just infatuation? Surely part of love is knowing the other person loves you completely, and you them.

You said the ex made a lot of mistakes, so I assume you got very hurt and aren't over that, that can feel like you still love the person or aren't over them but really it's often that you just haven't healed.

For your ex I think regrets can be very powerful and make people (men in particular) pine. I have an ex like that who still pines over me years later.

@strictlybreakdancing
I think that it is possible to retain positive feelings and regard for someone while reaching a point where you experience no pleasure and joy in your relationship with them.
O

@strictlybreakdancing if you still love him & you know for certain that he loves you then why not just get back together, clean slate, fresh start?

It just seems daft you both sitting their pining for each other but too I don't know - too hurt, scared, proud, bruised, unsure, stubborn to take the risk

Says she who's in the same situation with her ex & we're both too stubborn for our own good & won't be the first to apologise.

@TracyBeakerSoYeah because he hurt me a lot, and I wouldn't want to go through that again.

@strictlybreakdancing I can understand that

It depends on what kind of attachment you or him have, what person you are.

It's hard to say what love is but it's easy to recognise what love isn't.

Ultimately, you just want the other person to be happy.