When is the right time to leave my husband

[SikaPo]

Married 15 years, together for 20. We haven’t had sex since my 2nd child was conceived 9 years ago and before that it was when my 1st child was conceived. He lost interest in sex before we even got married. I gave up trying to initiate it after the birth of my 1st child. When we were trying for the 2nd and I fell pregnant straight away he said ‘thank god for that’. We don’t hug or kiss, but he pays me compliments sometimes in a friendly way. We don’t really argue anymore, we’re just quite polite really. Talk about the kids and general logistics of family life.
I don’t want this to be my future. I don’t have any money of my own, I don’t earn enough to save and I’m in debt which he doesn’t know about. We have a joint mortgage which he pays.
He suffers with ill health (that’s nothing to do with the lack of sex, he was healthy when that stopped). Not terminal but ongoing manageable conditions. He works full time. We have days out. We look like a normal family.
The kids don’t really like him, he’s not that great with them, he tries but misses the mark somehow. His interest in them feels forced and they can tell. He spends most of his free time watching tv or scrolling.
If I left him, they wouldn’t want to have every 2nd weekend at his, I know it. He talks about retiring (early) and his plans, which involve him and I travelling. I don’t want that future. I want to leave him - it’s not if but when. My plan is to go when my youngest turns 18 in 10 years. That just about coincides with his retirement.
Should I tell him sooner rather than later? Is it fair to keep him in a marriage I’m certain I want to end? I don’t hate him. Or for the sake of the kids, stay together? It would be a huge upheaval and a huge change for the kids because I’d have to work longer hours to pay the bills by myself. I don’t know how it would work. But I’m so unhappy and I don’t know if I can stick it out. It feels like he’s taking the best years of my life and I so miss being physically close with a man.

Can you start putting a plan in place? Find a better paid job, get out of debt and then leave?

Sorry but I don't think it's fair to let it continue for a decade no. You both deserve to find happiness elsewhere not just you.

Sorry you find yourself in such an unhappy marriage, it sounds soul destroying 😔.

I am thinking this is no way to live for another 10 years and would suggest finding any possible practical way out, such as finding a better paid job etc.

As well as doing it for yourself because life is short and you should be happy, I think it would also benefit your children. You say your DC don’t really like him, you describe your marriage as functional without affection - this is not an ideal environment for your children; you are modelling this as a relationship between a woman and a man. This is the only thing they know and is formative for their future relationships.

I know it’s not easy, I’ve been in a similar situation, but doing what’s right is not always easy.

I wish you all the best 💐

I'd start prioritising your finances in the short term - get out of debt, get a better paying job (even if longer hours) etc. don't wait 10 years, you need to divorce before he retires otherwise he can argue that he is entitled to a greater share of assets and you don't get a share that takes into account that you do the greater care.

I wouldn't leave it more than a couple of years though. Your DC deserve to have a happy childhood and should not use this relationship as the example of what is the norm.

If your youngest is 18 and off to uni that wouldn’t be an ideal time either. I would do it now so it’s over before secondary school, puberty and gcse.

Actually, can you retrain first. Where has the debt come from?

Just general living. I used to earn a decent salary but took voluntary redundancy to be at home more. Since then he puts money in my account every month to cover what were my share of the bills when I earned more, but it wasn’t enough to cover kids activities etc as well and I just started using my credit card too often while I was a stay at home mum for a few years. Dumb I know and I should’ve asked him to pay more for the kids but he gives my grief about money and I can’t stand the judgement!

I’m thinking retraining is the way to go with the long term in mind. Thanks so much for your reply, I appreciate it.

Thank you, that’s all good advice. I think we manage to present a reasonably normal front for the kids. I read another thread about why people stay in unhappy marriages and it was interesting to read some strong opinions about separating being harder on kids than people realise. I’m not really any closer to knowing whether we should split, but I think being much more proactive in sorting my finances and work is the best start I can make at the moment.

thanks LittleObe, that’s what is playing on my mind. If I’m not happy, I’m sure he’s not either. We used to argue and snipe loads but that petered out to a kind of indifference I guess. I did ask him, before we had our 2nd child, if he wanted to move out but he said no. I suspect he just doesn’t need physical contact like I do, and is satisfied enough drifting along the path of least resistance. I don’t want to ask him to show me affection again, been there done that and it’s not much fun being rejected over and over!