random comments that feel a bit off - aibu?

[vegetableplotter]

Name changed but very old mumsnetter.

Casual remarks from new boyfriend feels like little digs he says it was a joke. Like i said on a facetime let me get a better light, he laughed and said about me wanting more flattering light, when what I meant was so he is not in shadow and I could see him better. I pulled him up about it and he said the usual 'it was a joke' but I dunno, it felt like he was calling me vain. AIBU?

Don't understand how you changing the light would improve your screen view of him, so it seems fair enough to me if he didn't realise that's what you meant.

I wouldn't be keen on "ha ha you are so vain" jokes either, but I reckon some people would be OK with it. For me, the red flag issue would be how he reacted when you told him you didn't like that sort of comment. If he apologised and stopped doing it, then I'd give him another chance.

Do you have any more examples? This comment in isolation doesn't sound bad.
However if you pull him up on a pattern of behaviour that bothers you, and his response is to turn it on you ("you can't take a joke" type comments) that is never good.

I am very sensitive about personal ‘jokes’ but I think I could have laughed that one off and not taken much notice.

Do you have any other examples?

I'd have laughed it off, probably with a comment that I need all the help I can get

Unless this is part of a much bigger issue, you are being ridiculous.

You say remarks, plural. If this is a pattern he sounds tedious as hell.

Difficult to say from one example butif there's a pattern of put downs disguised as humour it could well be considered negging which is designed to undermine you.

I imagine there must be more that he's said, because that comment isn't at all offensive. On its own, it's an obvious joke and not a dig.

Perhaps he realised it was so you could see him better, and that he was the one who needed to be seen in a more flattering light.

If you don't like the way he jokes, you're not compatible. He's not right or wrong, you're not right or wrong. Find a partner with a sense of humour you love, who doesn't poke fun at you.

Best case scenario – you have different senses of humour.

Worst case scenario – he’s doing it on purpose to erode your confidence.

Being with someone who has a different sense of humour to you quickly becomes draining – for you, because you’re constantly trying not to take it to heart – for him, because he’ll start feeling like he can’t be himself with you.

Being with someone who is doing it on purpose is just someone you don't want to develop a relationship with in the first place.

To be honest, it's a new relationship and this keeps happening. You don't sound compatible - which is fine - time to acknowledge that and call it a day with him.

IME people who say stuff with a laugh that actually makes you feel bad... red flag

They're not necessarily doing anything bad or wrong though. I've had people take my sense of humour seriously and get hurt, and others who find it really funny and poke fun back at me.

I agree; I know some people who I'm absolutely happy to be teased by as I trust them and know they don't have a nasty bone in their body. I'm allowed to tease them back and they'll find it hilarious. It isn't judgy personal criticism, it's laughing together about how we both have typical human flaws. With other people it doesn't feel like that.

This is a new bf. Maybe he's teasing OP to make their relationship feel more familiar, but it's also fair enough if OP expects him to be a bit more polite until they know one another better. If the joke was well meant, my tip to him would be to say something like "Sorry about my terrible sense of humour, ha ha!" rather than e.g. "What do you mean? It was just a joke".

Yes, but this isn't about your ex, and we can't generalise. Sometimes it's ok to poke fun; you can't just judge it to be a red flag. All you can judge as a red flag is repeated behaviour that is not to your taste.

You can't say 'it's not right'; there is no 'right'. We all make our own rules in our own lives, apart from legal boundaries. It's subjective.