I’m struggling to co-parent with my abusive ex as I’m always triggered when I hear his voice.

[Ifyousayso1]

It’s been years since I left. He was denied access at court for years but it started last year and is now every other weekend. He is in a new relationship and so am I. Mine is going well. He is like Disney dad on steroids.

He has a call with daughter every Thursday eve and I’m so triggered after listening to him I don’t know what to do with myself. I wish so badly that I never had to have anything to do with him ever again. He treated me so badly I’m left with a life long health condition which effects my quality of life so severely. I will always be unwell because of him.

Im happy that our daughter is enjoying her time with her dad. I just don’t know what to do with myself. I really really don’t want anything to do with him, or listen to his voice or hear about his life. What he did to me when we were together will always be unforgivable.

What do I tell my daughter as I don’t want to hear about him but I want her to be happy and not feel like she has to choose sides.

This sounds really tough. I understand how stressful it can be when your ex partner was abusive. Co- parenting can be really difficult with this type of man.

I’m sorry I don’t have any useful advice, but wanted to say I hear you.

I’d suggest contacting women’s aid or similar to see if they have a support group. Talking about it can help.

Is your daughter old enough that you don’t need to listen to these calls? Could she take them in a different room?

maybe plan a diversion on these days? Use the time to treat yourself to something you want to do - even if it’s reading a magazine undisturbed.

Having something positive to think about will take you away from thinking about him.

Also can you current partner be there in Thursdays to keep you occupied? Even just to literally hold your hand.

In what world is it good for children to be co-parented by abusive exes, when it can ruin the relationship between mothers and their children? No wonder more women are opting not to have children

I'm sorry. I had this experience and I also used to feel sick when he was at the door to collect. I used to get my mum to come over to do the handover. I had some hypnotherapy for this which really helped me.

It’s ruining all her relationships. She and my partner got on so well when he was denied contact. He doesn’t like her having a “step dad” relationship so has poisoned it. I’ve not so she gets on well with his girlfriend. I hate his presence in my life. He makes me feel awful.

I’ve begged her to take the call upstairs but she won’t because she hates being alone.

How old is she? Ie how much longer will you have to put up with this? Plus the older she is the more honest you can be with her?

I would ask a family member or friend to supervise the call instead for you?

Also maybe getting some therapy could help you?

Could your daughter wear headphones with a mic or something?

If you can't do that could you find a way to make it comical in your head maybe, imagine him as a stupid cartoon character or something equally ridiculous just to turn it around on its head (in your head).

How old is your daughter? Can she wear headphones? Whilst I understand you have to facilitate the contact, if she is old enough for you to explain that you're upset listening to her conversations/ feels they should be a but more private, maybe that would work?

Headphones OP.. or put it on a really low volume, just audible enough for your daughter to hear.
Is the face time court ordered? How old is your daughter? To be honest. Whilst I wouldn't be brutally honest with your daughter, I would tell her something along the lines of this:

"mummy is really pleased you enjoy seeing and talking to your daddy and wants you to be happy. Both of us love you. however some things happened where mummy finds it difficult to hear your daddy's voice. You can either use earphone or mummy will sit in another room whilst you speak as normal, mummy needs you to understand this".

I wouldn't be afraid of telling her this. She needs to understand not all relationships are healthy and whilst you shouldn't denigrate him to her. You also don't need to big him up in anyway.

You get lots of threads about women co parenting with abusive men.. one thing I've learnt is don't be afraid to tell your child the truth in the most appropriate or child friendly way possible.

Stop begging - you're the parent and the adult.

Either she takes the call in her room, or you go to another room. You don't have to sit there being triggered.

She's not alone if you're in the same house.

Yeah she will need to go upstairs from now on. What I find so difficult is when we were together he did nothing but sit and drink and smoke weed and shout at me. I developed an autoimmune condition from the stress. I push myself but I suffer with terrible fatigue. He now talks on on the phone and I have to hear all the things and the places he is going to take her now he has suddenly decided to do things. Everything she tells him we have done or going to do he has to do bigger and better and be knows I can’t. I can’t take hearing it anymore. I’m going to be ill for the rest of my life because of him.

@Ifyousayso1 what do you think about the headphones suggestion many people have suggested?

@Ifyousayso1 it will all be bullshit. And bullshit for your benefit.

@nibblemonster yeah headphones will work.

@Catastrophejane I’m not sure who it’s for, it’s ridiculous to listen to. He had visitors, the girls friends parents so a big act for everyone. I can’t stand his voice.

I can massively emphasise OP. I can’t bear the sound of my ex’s voice. I already had to live through being the recipient of his rage and now I get to relive it all over again. He literally puts me back into that stress response area.
I hope the headphones work OP. You have been through enough.