Suspected wife of cheating but she denied it

[GuntherCentralPerk99]

Long story, but will try to keep short.
About 10 years ago, I suspected my wife of getting too friendly with a neighbour, always talking about him, mentioning his name etc. One day I was at the kitchen window and she went to the garden, he lived below us and his garden was in front of ours. She went to his garden (no reason to do this) and I heard her and can lipread, (my name) is at the window, while looking up at me, they briefly spoke and she went into our garden before coming back in. When she came in she came straight to the kitchen to see me and looked very guilty but definitely looking like she needed to check I was ok or still there.
I asked her what was the conversation about, she said she couldn't remember, I said I heard her say I was at the window, but she still said she couldn't remember what she said, at most 5 mins earlier. She kept denying anything so I had to leave it, I did speak to him a while later but instead of asking I saw red mist and told him to stop sniffing around her, not long after he moved away.
Over the years I have often thought about it, over and over, and also wished I hadn't been there, so as to not keep thinking about it and analysing it too much, but recently been thinking about it again, alot.
At the time, I was having some issues with my mental health and am again now as well, but it affects my memory not what I see and hear, and it always is the same events when I think about it.
Any advice would be great, thanks

One day 10 years ago or one day recently?
That is not cheating, surely.

And are you looking for a way out? So blame her with a convo that happened 10 years ago?

Definitely proof...FFS. Have you tortured her and yourself for the past decade over this?

😕

10 years ago?! What the fuck? One pissing conversation that barely happened ten years ago and you’re still stuck on that? That’s ridiculous and unfair on both your wife and on yourself to stew on this for a decade.

Just myself for that time, although had forgotten it for a while but for some reason has come back again.
She has referenced at different times, about his flat, knowing the layout etc, even though it was never said she had been in there, and even said she visited when someone else lived there, although she couldn't stand the woman and didn't like talking to her.

I don't think a conversation is cheating but feel too many question marks over the whole thing, but doesn't help when it's in my head as only my voice then, not an outsider

I take it she is still with you, after all this time.

It seems like a day of these kind of posts.

Knowing that this is one of the symptoms of your poor mental health to get fixated on this issue, you should address your MH urgently. Get an appointment, up your meds, see your counsellor, do whatever you need to do.

If you don't trust your partner, then leave her, stop torturing yourself (and probably her) by going round and round on ancient history.

Either be with her in the present if you want the relationship to continue, or get out of it if you can't let these suspicions go.

There's absolutely more back story here OP, what is it?

You sound like you're in a hard space. That you've harboured this for so long , suggests as much.
Can you tell us more?

I don't mean to gaslight you so I apologise if it comes out that way
At the time you say you were having my problems. Is possible this is to blame for these feelings coming up again? Are you under stress?

Were you a bit much at the time and she needed a friendly person to talk to, and then you were going all guns blazing accusing her of flirting with the neighbour and she just wanted to let him know it was not safe to talk (not because she was cheating, but because you were obsessing over every single detail of what she said and it was suffocating her?).

Thanks, these last few replies have been more useful.
Yes she is still with me, nearly 25 years married now.
I had spoken to her about it the time but as she simply said she couldn't remember, which I felt was an excuse, then I felt I had to drop it, as I couldn't say anything else if she genuinely couldn't remember, she isn't usually forgetful.
Although I had thought about it, in the end I had to just put the thoughts away and try to forget about it all, as something in my head and that was that.
Recently my MH has gone downhill again, I am currently off work, back on meds and have done therapy, again. Although feeling better about myself, this seemed to have resurfaced in my thoughts, no obvious trigger, except I question myself when like this. I question things I had done or should have done. I haven't spoken to her about it again and he is the only person I have suspected she may have gotten too close for comfort with, never ever thought of her doing anything with anyone else.
Although I did speak to her about it at the time, I never raise my voice or get aggressive or anything like that, we always discuss everything, which is why it's so tough to not feel like I have a proper answer.

Drop it. You have a proper answer, but you prefer to live with the memory of yourself lip reading something that may not have happened. Your wife is a hero for putting up with this nonsense and I'm glad you have not been approaching her about it! I hope she managed to find some other friends too to talk to without you scaring them off.
Do speak to a therapist about it, but I think you have a closure, you are just preferring to torture yourself.

Thing is, there's no "proper" answer that is going to satisfy you.

She can't prove a negative. If she didn't cheat or get close, how can she possibly persuade you of that? If you don't believe her denials then or now, what can she say to convince you?

The only answer that fits your narrative that will satisfy you is that she did.

Ask yourself, what good this is doing to you and her and your relationship? It's a decade later.

Believe her or leave her.

I agree you should drop it. What can you gain now by digging this up again so many years later? You admit you are revisiting the past because in your present anxious state you are fixating on something that you felt was unresolved. But you could choose to just accept that nothing happened, and these obsessive thoughts are a symptom of your current poor mental health.

Thank you, and to everyone, this has made it clearer for me that I should just let it go and just torturing myself because of the current situation, I agree that most likely there is no correct answer for me and that it's just best to leave it
Thanks to everyone

There is already alot of good advice here for you, OP.

Remember though that thoughts are just that, ie., thoughts.
They come , they go. Don't believe or take seriously everything you think.

These are unhealthy thoughts and are leading you down the wrong path. Let them go.

Get out of your head and find something positive to do, go for a walk, work in the garden, meditate, enjoy the present moment. Take care of yourself.

I think the key here is your mental health was bad then and is bad now.

I would say though if you could lip read “name is at the window” but not the rest maybe your mind is filling in what it thinks to be true not what actually is. Even if you did get that right the most obvious explanation is he asked where you were and she said at the window, just mindless chat with a neighbour.

you admit you went in all guns blazing, not a healthy response so maybe don’t let it get to that stage this time.

Recently my MH has gone downhill again, I am currently off work, back on meds and have done therapy, again.

I'm so sorry you're going through this OP. Realistically, what could she say to make it better for you? It really doesn't sound like there was anything in it, in which case there is absolutely nothing she can do to prove that to you. Realistically, there are lots of reasonable explanations for everything you described, but you are hyper focusing on one incredibly unlikely one and torturing yourself with it. It is hard having these intrusive thoughts, but you really need to let it go.