How to deal with leech of a husband

[Fwaltz]

Okay, I need advice on how to deal with my husband.

He is ‘self-employed’ as a landscaper. He has not made a success of his business, and has therefore become extremely reliant on me and my income to cover all his expenses. I pay the mortgage, all the bills (inc. his mobile, spotify, podcast subscriptions), for all our groceries, all our petrol, car maintenance, insurance, holidays, childcare, entertainment, Christmases, birthdays – everything.

He contributes nothing at all financially. I also paid off his £8.5k tax bill a year ago because he had not set aside money to pay it.

I earn good money, but I really do not want to fund him for a second longer.

We have one child (6), and his ‘self-employment’ gives us some flexibility for him to do after school pick-ups and he can easily take ‘time off’ if she is ever off school poorly or something like that, which I am grateful for. However, she could easily stay in after school club every day (currently does three) and we could pick her up at 5.30pm. He has more time off than we could ever need for childcare.

I paid for her to go to a childminder for the majority of the summer holidays and used two weeks of my holiday to spend with her. So, it is not as if he is taking on the lion share of parenting duties. We do this together.

Positives: He is a loving, hands-on father and our child adores him. He does the practically all of the cooking, food shopping, loading dishwasher, laundry, bins, DIY etc. I pay for a cleaner to come in 4 hours a week. He is extravagant with his meal choices because he is completely oblivious to what things cost. I love nice food, but I also don’t want him to be serving up lamb rack and steaks every night of the week because it’s muggins here who is paying for it all. A meal like pesto pasta wouldn’t even cross his mind – he would be baffled/enraged by the suggestion.

He comes from a normal lower middle-class family, so it’s not his upbringing that has made him have these expectations – it is just him taking the absolute piss.

I have flagged to him on multiple occasions that he needs to contribute financially. He always comes up with bs excuses as to why he’s not getting much work in/ why it’s gone completely off-schedule / why it hasn’t been even a tiny bit profitable. He is an intelligent person, so he can’t even hide behind the fact he is an idiot.

As a husband, I have completely lost any respect for him. I think he is an absolute leech. He doesn’t make me laugh (never really did), he’s extremely grumpy, our sex life is non-existent and I really just think he is a bit pathetic. I have tried to give him the benefit if the doubt, but I just feel nothing when I look at him.

With that context, the area where I need advice is:

1. What claim would he have on my house if I asked him to leave/divorced him? We have been married 6 years, bought this house 3 years ago. The deposit was half my money, and half a gift from his parents. The mortgage is solely in my name (as his finances were too awful to be considered on the application). He has not contributed to the mortgage at any stage (although he did fully renovate the garden which has added value to the house, but I paid the £30k for all the materials/machine hire etc. it took to do it. Oh, and I fully subsidised his lifestyle while he was working on that project.)
2. I would want him to have 50/50 access to our child, but would I have to pay spousal support to get him a place to live where he could have her to stay?
3. Am I mad to think that life will be any better without him? I hated being single, so is it actually better to just stick with him and suck it up?
4. Will the divorce mess my daughter up? I am a child of divorce and I hated being from a broken home. I don’t want to disrupt her life. As far as she is concerned, she is in a stable happy home. We don’t argue particularly.

I know I have been enabling his behaviour by continuing to fund things, but I can’t see a way to stop without him causing a massive scene and throwing his toys out the pram. I also sometimes think, if I was the husband and he was the wife, would any of this actually seem that unreasonable?

Thanks for getting this far, and please keep comments constructive.

He should just be a stay at home father if he doesn't want to work. But that means he should be responsible for pretty much everything regarding the home and childcare. It's ridiculous to pay for a cleaner when he should be doing all of it. There are different ways in which he could step up, so he has to decide which path he's going to take. Remaining the same isn't an option.

He should just be a stay at home father if he doesn't want to work. But that means he should be responsible for pretty much everything regarding the home and childcare. It's ridiculous to pay for a cleaner when he should be doing all of it. There are different ways in which he could step up, so he has to decide which path he's going to take. Remaining the same isn't an option.

Does he act like his work is Big Work but hides the fact he earns fuck all, is unable to work a "proper" job for whatever reason (usually unable to get on with others/pull his weight/ be motivated enough to actually charge market rates) and didn't implement any basic plans for growth into his business? I can see how annoying that would be. Working to get by? Rather than growing in any particular way?

Why not just cancel the cleaner and set him a monthly budget. Give him freedom to use the money as he pleases but explain that it’s to cover all monthly expenses like food, his phone bill, his clothes etc. you’ll likely find that the fancy food shop stops and he might learn how to budget a bit better. It sounds like he’s treating you as an atm!

I am wondering if you have access to his business account? I would be quite surprised if a landscaper didn't make money. Are you sure its not that he is just telling you that so you pay the bills? My gardener/ landscaper is raking it in, and just took an assistant on as there is so much demand for his skills. Also, how did he have an 8.5k tax bill on no income? In your situation, I would be offering to take charge of the book keeping as it is possible that money is due back you to (assuming he is running his business at a loss or near-as now). Assuming you are legally married, your husband would have a claim on the house as a marital asset. However, if there are dependent children staying with you, it could be that the house cannot be sold until they leave home. Being single is much better than being unhappily married. Freedom, financial independence and space to be 'you' rather than a person holding a leech up. Think what lovely stuff you could do with all that money you saved from not having to sponsor him. Travel etc. While you carve out your plan, I would be taking control of the household expenses. I would have a separate account for food spending etc. If you do the online shopping (for example), he cannot dictate how much of your money he spends on dinner. If you are leaving, seek legal advice asap to work out the financial plan of action. Before you see a solicitor, make a note of all assets like savings, capital in the house etc.

You need to speak to a solicitor. Being married doesn't immediately mean 50/50. Its a short marriage and you need to evidence your contributions . Dont make any hasty decisions and seek legal advice before proceeding. Sounds like you need to create a log as he may suggest he is a SAHD when he isnt.

A real woman can do it all herself. A real man won't let her 👍

He doesn’t make much money because he rarely goes to work. The year that we had the tax bill for he’d been sub-contracting for a friend of his, and therefore had to do the work. When it comes to generating his own leads, accurately pricing them and doing them, he is useless. His work is good, but he essentially ends up doing it for free because he has no motivation to work at any speed.

He currently has a Monzo card that I put money on for groceries etc. I don’t want to get to a point where I am being financially controlling, but he needs to know it doesn’t grow on trees. We never discussed him being a SAHD, we don’t need him to be one. He’s more than fit and able to work, he just really does very little because he prefers being at home doing home things.

He needs a very firm explanation of the options.

1. Get working and earning properly
2. Be a proper SAHD and do the cleaning and all childcare.

If he claims he can do the first, he has one month to get going. After that, cancel the cleaner and all subscriptions that you are not interested in. No afterschool club from as soon as you can cancel it. You’ll have to take greater control of the shopping budget and knock the fancy meals on the head.

As a husband, I have completely lost any respect for him. I think he is an absolute leech. He doesn’t make me laugh (never really did), he’s extremely grumpy, our sex life is non-existent and I really just think he is a bit pathetic. I have tried to give him the benefit if the doubt, but I just feel nothing when I look at him.

Given all this, I don’t think you’re going to be able to tolerate living with him for much longer, so suggestions like giving him a budget are too little too late IMO.

I am no expert but I think you should be prepared for him to claim resident parent status, as the parent who has done the pickups etc, if only so he can claim maintenance from you. And to claim half the house. Can you afford to buy him out?

@minipie with buying people out, what does that look like? Say our house is worth £500k, for example, would I need to find £250k to give him even though I still have a mortgage on that I am paying off on the place? (Sorry, I do t know how any of this works!)

To me the real issue seems to be that you have lost respect for your DH. Did you ever have it?

Is it his lack of responsibility, the assumption that you will fund everything that bothers you?

Buying someone out means looking at the remaining equity & generally dividing the remainder in half. If your house is worth £500k, your mortgage is £200k you’d have £300k remaining. Therefore half of that being £150k is what you’d need to give him to buy him out. Having said that you’d need legal advice because it’s not always half. Depending on your financial situation it could be more or it could be less.

Cut your losses, OP. He doesn't sound that bad to me but a loveless marriage is hell for everyone involved

Probably cheaper to get shot of him now than wait for another 30 years.

I think once you're at the stage of contempt, you need to do both of you a favour and split up. if you're not at contempt yet, you're damned close to it.

I do not believe, however good an actress you think you are, that your view of your husband won't be picked up on by your child as times goes on (and by him). And really is this the relationship model you want to give your child growing up? Mummy does everything and is the competent one, daddy is useless and contributes nothing? Would you be happy for them to recreate this in their adulthood?

Personally I think whatever you may lose out on in immediate terms financially if you divorce, with your capability, you'll soon recoup your losses and it'll be worth it in the long-term. If you stay together, he'll just keep costing you.

Get legal advice and go from there. I agree with others - there's really no going back when you reach this stage in a relationship.

He'll probably magic up the wherewithal to work in order to fund his hobbies and subscriptions, but don't expect a 50/50 childcare arrangement. He doesn't seem the type to put the hard graft in.

SAHD him and he can do all school runs, holiday childcare and housework. Talk about the cost of food and request he makes a sensible meal plan and for a weekly shop to facilitate. You can work and come back to a clean home and meal every evening. Lots of quality time on your holidays off and at weekends

One thing that has come to my mind.
If he has a £8k tax bill, then he was earning money. Why didn’t he contribute then and where has that money disappeared?

Cut your losses O. Youve lost respect for hima nd does nto seem like ( from the short paragraph) that you like him.
Life is too short to waste it away. I wasted 16 years of my life and lost a huge amount of money. Do it now while you are young. Don't compromise. He wont change, you deserve better

I would have no respect for him either. As one final last ditch attempt, I would tell him that I wanted him to get a job and be a paid employee. Clearly self employment doesn't work for him. If he didn't do this, I would ask him to leave.

The house is in your name so it's up to him to take you to court. I'm not sure I would bother if I was him, for the sake of a gifted half-deposit.

Surely he wouldn’t be entitled to half the equity if he hadn’t paid anything to the mortgage and isn’t on the mortgage?
op, is he on the deeds to the house ??

Talk to a solicitor, you have an unusual case so you need proper legal advice

Unless I'm being really dense (and frankly I could be!), I thought that to pay 8,500 tax would mean earning well over £50,000. What did he spend it on?

In your shoes op i'd stop paying for things he could do such as the cleaner and any childcare. There are many ways someone can contribute towards a family that doesn't involve money.

As for food and expenses, he needs to understand he can't be eating and drinking expensive food every night, the nice steak, champagne and prawn meals are a weekend treat....

As for what he's entitled to if you divorce, well the starting point is 50% regardless of who has wasn't and paid for what, it's all a marital asset.