Trust Issues

[JIMMI85]

Hi,

I have been with my amazing girlfriend for just over a year.

For the most part we are amazing, but she has major trust issues due to previous relationship traumas.

I have been loyal, loving and understanding but this haven't changed and if anything the arguments are getting worse and more distressing for us both.

A bit of background, i am a 38 year old male, i own my own house and have a good job. She is 35, lives at home with her parents and has very few friends.

A lot of my friends are female, most of which are in long term relationship's, and nothing has ever happened with any of them. They are more like sisters to me.

She finds it difficult to believe that i don't fancy a female friend, and she doesn't believe me when I constantly tell her they are and only have and will be friends. So much so, she doesn't like it when i see any of them and when i do i feel guilty for fear of upsetting her.

When i get text messages i am asked who they are from, even when we are not together and she has seen I've been on WhatsApp i am asked who i've been speaking to. I have to let her know when i am seeing friends, who i am seeing and what i am doing with them.

Last week she got jealous that i thought a particular singer ( Olivia Rodrigo?) had a nice voice, and she cant comprehend that is is ok to find other people attractive, regardless of sex, but this does not mean i am attracted to them.

This all stems from her being hurt many years ago, and she is unable to separate her past from her present and although i love her so much, i am at the point where something has got to change.

I have asked she find a therapist to help her and join some meet up groups to make some friends but she isn't being overly proactive with either.

I have made it clear to her that unless things change we will have no option but to go our separate ways but i am deeply concerned that a leopard can't change its spots.

Can anyone offer any advice?

Thankyou

No advice other than she will only change if she wants to.
It all sounds like too much drama when there are plenty of other women out there not ruining their future by failing to deal with their past!

If this is a repeat discussion you two are having to have after all this tine its unlikely it will change. You probably know this. Cut losses jow rather than when kids are involved

You're not the one for her.

And she's not the one for you.

Maybe a different male could make her feel less anxious and re build her confidence.

Maybe a different female could make you feel less guilty about having lots of female friends.

Best start again.

This is really controlling behaviour and it's not ok. Do you really think she is capable of changing? I'm surprised you've put up with it for this long. Time to throw this one back.

This is hugely controlling behaviour and she is unlikely to change. Many such people hide behind ‘trust issues from the past’ as an excuse to control others, instead of actually dealing with those trust issues. I would leave this relationship.

I could have been your girlfriend not long ago. Its driven my husband mad over the years (we've been together 23 years now) but has nearly broken us up several times. I disagree with people who say its always controlling behaviour, that's not necessarily the case, at least for me it really wasn't, it was unbearable anxiety that comes with huge insecurity and trust issues.

For context I was r*ped by a stranger in a club when I was 16 which, 25 years later, still causes me these issues. The only thing I would say is that there is NOTHING you can do for her. Even you reassuring her will only go so far, as it then becomes a cycle that she will feel the need to constantly ask for. The more she asks the worse it is, believe me. She has to break the cycle.

She absolutely needs to get help for herself i.e. therapy. I am also now on sertraline which has 100% helped too. Only you can decide if the relationship is worth it, as long as she gets help, its could be a long road.

If you're frustrated your girlfriend has trust issues, imagine she thinks intimacy is terrifying.

Thanks for all your messages everyone, really appreciated.

it’s easy to say walk away, but when you deeply love someone and you see so much good in them it’s easier said than done.

Alrightthen, I’m curious to know if your post was aimed at me or Heavyrainsoon? I only ask as our sex life is incredible , and she certainly isn’t terrified about intimacy. I assume she uses intimacy as a way of keeping me close to her, who knows.

we are going down the therapy route and as far as I can tell, REBT ( rational emotional behavioural therapy ) seems like the best option. Has anyone her done this form of therapy?

thanks again