I think I have convinced myself my partner cheated

[AdviceNeeded990]

Please I need some help, I have convinced myself that my partner of over 20 years cheated on me when we were young and its eating me alive.
To give the story, we have been together since teenagers, we are both 40 now with 4 kids. We are very happy for the most part, usual couple arguments but nothing serious.

When we were iyoung, a few things came up that really made me think my partner was unfaithful. Of course, we talked them through at the time and whatever was said I was ok with then. Some of these memories would continue to come to the surface every few years and usually I would just quash them. So that gives you the idea as to how much it had bothered me but I just smothered them and never brought them up.

Few weeks ago for some strange reason these memories came back with a vengeance. I couldn’t sleep, I was thinking about them constantly and it really was bothering me. My partner noticed something wasn’t right and asked what was wrong.

To make a long story short, partner was on a night out and a guy had been chasing her all night. This part I knew as I was there early on then went out with my own friends. Turns out my partner had got a lift home from this person at the end of the night.

So when she prompted me the other night I brought up this event among a couple of others but this was the main one. She initially said she didn’t remember it was a long time ago, then had said the guy had tried to kiss her in the car and when she said no he drove off in a huff and overall had acted (I cant remember her exact words) but badly basically. The part was new information to me.

Anyway so here is where this new information has sent me into a tailspin. I just cant wrap my head around how this makes any sense. Bear in mind we were young, 18/19 and stayed with our parents. This guy had been after my partner all night, she took a lift home from him late, then right at the end when she was leaving the car wanted a kiss. Like I just cant make that make sense. Surely if the guy was interested he would have moved sooner at any point in the night? Also if you got a lift home surely you would just be like ok bye not hanging around for a chat or whatever with this random guy?

Me personally I have only ever been with my current partner so I have zero experience here on what is normal or not for this.

Now I am making up stories in my head which to me make more sense to me but maybe I am being paranoid? Like my partner maybe did kiss him then in the car he was expecting more, to me that explains the huff as he thought maybe she was leading him along all night. But to go in a huff over a kiss at the end of the night when she was about to go to her parents house when nothing else apparently happened just doesn’t make any sense at all to me. But then why would she tell me about this kiss thing if something more had happened? Aargh

I feel I cant keep bringing it up with her but I want to get to the bottom of this and my partners lack of memory of the rest of this event is just making it worse. But like I say to be fair it was over 20 years ago.

Anyway have I lost all my marbles? Its consuming me and if I either cant shake it or resolve this I am worried its going to cause real harm to our relationship. But I am just desperate to know the truth.
What should I do?

You’re being utterly and totally ridiculous
what will cause harm to your relationship is constantly digging up something which happened / rather didn’t happen 20 years ago
this is absolutely for you to resolve - why you are having intrusive and destructive thoughts about your teenage years

What are you hoping to achieve by the way??

The way you set this up, it sounded like you had unearthed some kind of profound new evidence. To be kind OP, this is written in a slightly unhinged manner.

Don't torture yourself about something that very likely didn't happen over two decades ago. Focus on enjoying your relationship now - being a good partner and a good parent. It's a much better place for your mental energy.

sounds perfectly reasonable to me that a pushy guy would get upset about being denied a kiss after lift home. none of us strangers on the internet can say whether it actually happened or not but it doesnt seem unrealistic at all to me

Sounds more like your partner had unwanted advances/ came close to potentially being a victim of assault. Rather than cheating.

Maybe she didn’t tell you at the time because it was a scary situation for her and she wanted to forget it (and knew you wouldn’t believe her from the sounds of it).

You really need to let it go.

What @DuploTrain says. This happened loads in my younger years - guys would give you a lift home or share a cab, probably in hopes of getting somewhere but without any encouragement, then push their luck at the end of the ride. Hell, even taxi drivers did it sometimes!

You seem to be a little naïve regarding the amount of minor sexual assaults young women experience. Sounds like she's telling the truth.

Why d'you think you're suddenly revisiting this?

Good lord, you've been torturing yourself over this for 20 years?!

You need to go to therapy at this point - this isn't meant unkindly - but you need to put it in the past if your relationship is/has been otherwise good and happy.

Stop digging at it, accept what she says happened at face-value on the basis of 20 solid years together and of her being trustworthy and a good partner to you all that time.

God yes, taxi drivers in my youth 😤🙄

So, short version, a woman had to fend off a pushy man 20 years ago and it's her fault and all about you?

I cant reply to all individually. i think its pretty clear i have issues at this point and appreciate you all trying to make me see the errors of my ways.

Also its quite an eye opener the pov of sexual assualt, and actually worrying i didnt see it that way at all.

Is your partner a man or woman ?

you are fixating on the wrong thing here. the real question is, what is causing you to be so distressed by something that may or may not have happened many moons ago? I suspect you might benefit from therapy?

Sounds like a scary experience with a pushy man she'd rather forget.

You're right that you can't keep asking her about it because it's not her job to keep reassuring you. No explanation she gives will satisfy you because you've become convinced she cheated.

You need to accept she didn't cheat, and instead focus on why you're fixating on this. It doesn't sound healthy.

Please get prompt psychiatric treatment and counseling. "Now I am making up stories in my head..." and intrusive thoughts are symptoms of mental illness.

OP, if you've been mulling over this on and off for 20 years, don't you think you owe it to her and to yourself to get some therapy to resolve this? It's going to eventually wreck your relationship otherwise.

She kissed a guy 20 years ago. Possibly without consent. What do you want her to do about it?

I was a teenager 20 years ago and this exact scenario happened a lot. You got a lift home to avoid the price of a taxi, maybe 4 of you in the car, making multiple drops. Seems really rude to bounce out the car if your the last one like it’s a taxi but then it’s been engineered that way. Honestly though what level of detail are you looking for from a night out 20 years ago. I saw someone get stabbed on a night out and I couldn’t tell you who was there or why we were out, never mind ever lift home I got.

kindly this is a real jealousy problem , have you been holding this against her all this time?

Even if she did kiss him it sounds like she would have felt under pressure from some sleaze bag and she was young. Even if she had kissed him willingly, teenagers are very naive and don’t think about the consequences. Do you think your issue isn’t that you’re unhinged but more the withholding of the truth that is sending you slightly mad? I think if you can have an honest conversation with her whereby you tell her that you’ve been together such a long time and love her so much and nothing would change that. But you just need the truth so that you can put it to bed once and for all. However only say that if you mean it. If she did tell you that she’d kissed him would you go mental?

This.

Try to look upon this as something she actually needed support with.

So many times I've heard this happening to young women, it's frightening what situations women can find themselves in by being young, niave and trusting.

Regarding your paranoia, why are you ruminating on this, one would be you are becoming paranoid about her cheating presently or in her past, or maybe you are not behaving well yourself and are trying to re write the narrative of your relationship and trying to pin infedelity on her for an excuse.

Somethings happening here but somehow I feel strangely worried about your partner's safety, this doesn't sound healthy.

Are you looking for a reason to split or have an affair?

You're looking for things to be angry about

I didn't even see this comment and yet I came to the exact same conclusion!