Where to go from here

[Stumpy54321]

I’ve been married 28 years have 2 grown up sons and first grandchild on the way 😁.
on the outside our relationship looks ok but around 12 years ago we separated because I found out he had been getting too friendly with a female colleague. He claimed nothing happened but a few people from his work had said they believe it did. After around 2 years we decided to give it another go and he moved back in. Things were good. We moved house and made a fresh start.
A few years ago he started a friendship with a lady from Norway ( no idea how they met ) and he has always said she was just a friend who he liked talking to. Him and our son even visited her and her family when they were travelling. Then the following year he said he wanted to go back still saying they were like penpals and she was married and he would be staying at their house with the whole family. I agreed but then found out he had actually booked a hotel room so said I didn’t want him to go so he didn’t, even though he insisted he only booked a room as their elder child would be there and there wouldn’t be room for him.
I then became suspicious and I checked his phone ( I know I shouldn’t have ) but the messages were definitely of a flirtatious nature. She started sending picture of her in her underwear ( never nudes) but he hadn’t sent anything, but he always said how good she looked. By this time she had separated from her husband. He even wished her a happy valentine. By now I just couldn’t take anymore so I confronted him. He said he was just talking and on occasion it got flirty but that was all. He didn’t seem to think he had done anything wrong. He said he was sorry and that he wouldn’t message her again and would delete her number. At the time I was so angry and sent her a message telling he exactly how I felt.
a few months ago I found out he had been messaging her again and even though the message are just like friends talking she mentioned that I had sent her a angry message and he apologised to her !
I havnt confronted him yet and just don’t know what to do. Are they just friends and am I reading too much into it?
he has always said he gets on better with females and that’s all there is to it. I’m now going through menopause that’s making my thoughts and feeling all over the place.

He refuses to see that he's doing anything wrong, and therefore wont stop.

You've nothing to work with here.

This is either your life going forward - and maybe you can get yourself some male friends to flirt with and send underwear pictures to, or you can throw him in the bin where he belongs...

You're going to keep going round in circles.

Underwear shots? He didn’t learn anything from your separation, did he?

@Stumpy54321, he’s still being inappropriate with other women. He flirts with this OW, compliments her underwear photos, and lies about cutting her off. In my book, that’s cheating.

Rinse and repeat. Show him the door.

Stop letting this man take the piss out of you!

Fool you once, shame on him. Fool you twice, shame on you. You're on your third time now! Tell him to sod off to Norway.

Thank you for your thoughts and replies. I completely agree with you all. I was reading another thread on here about staying in a marriage for security and for financial reasons and was surprised by the amount of people that actually do this. I think this is why I have stayed as I’m scared to go it alone after all these years. He’s the main bread winner and I’d struggle on my own for sure. We live like friends and havnt been intimate for several years. But he sees us having a future and we often talk about what will do when we retire.

Bit of an old slag, isn't he.

He's not going to change, he won't listen to you, let alone care.

I'd see a solicitor.

If you haven't had sex for years, then he's definitely not just friends with her.

But he won't end the marriage because he enjoys the benefits of the status quo as much as you do - he provides financial security and you provide wifework. Without each other, he'd have to maintain his own home etc and you admit you'd struggle financially.

I think, in this situation, you either take the leap and end the relationship or you discuss it together and agree to maintain the relationship for the benefit for both of you but open it up to enable you both to behave as you wish. Just being upset or angry about it isn't going to change anything.

I have a number of male friends. I don't send any of them flirty messages or pics of me in my underwear!