'have counselling by yourself' - rocky marriage

[discoowl]

Namechanged.

Things aren't great in my relationship now. Often I see advice on here telling women who are unhappy to go to counselling by themselves initially. DH point blank refuses to engage with any type of therapy anyway, so it leaves me little choice 🙄

I guess my question is, has anyone done this and did it help you, either getting your marriage to a better place eventually, or making it clear that you needed to end things? Or just making you...happier and stronger?

As well as being unhappy in my relationship I am also prone to anxiety and have had therapy in the past. While that definitely helped me with techniques to manage it, I just can't seem to fathom how therapy by myself will help in this scenario. I know and understand myself really well (at least I think I do), I know where things aren't right in our relationship...so is just talking to a therapist about it all a little futile?

I'd love to hear people's stories and experiences. Thank you

I know where things aren't right in our relationship...so is just talking to a therapist about it all a little futile?

What do each of you (you and DH) say and do when you talk about where things aren't right in your relationship?

@Londisc - well, not sure we are talking very constructively about it in all honesty. He struggles with his moods and temper - he has acknowledged this himself - and in the past has said he would take steps to address it. But he never has, and is getting worse as he ages...and I am sick and tired of living with a grumpy arsehole a lot of the time. It is making me unhappy.

That said, things aren't bad ALL the time. When things are good, they are very good. He can be affectionate and kind...we have built up a whole life together and have kids. No big deal breakers like infidelity or violence, but, really - his behaviour leaves a lot to be desired. I am not perfect, he would probably say I am too critical - but I am very, very sure that I know my weaknesses and faults and also know how to communicate like an adult.

I hold a lot of resentment towards him I think, for various reasons, and obviously that would be good to address. But in a way, it feels a bit annoying that I am (as always) the one trying to improve myself and change things in a way to make things better, if that makes sense?!

Why do you see therapy as a path towards you 'improving yourself' rather than one towards improving your experience of life and your relationship with yourself and others? If you can afford it, therapy with a properly qualified and effective therapist is a gift to yourself. I can't see that there would be anything 'futile' in talking to someone about your feelings of resentment, frustration... and sadness.

No 'big deal breakers' meaning you are stuck in a marriage with someone you feel is only capable of showing you kindness and affection sometimes but is frequently a grumpy arsehole who has no real intention of doing anything to address that. That to me sounds like exactly the sort of thing I'd want to discuss with a therapist.

@Londisc - thank you again. I am very very pro-therapy in general and had quite an extensive amount in the past. It helped me immensely when it came to getting a handle on how past trauma has shaped the way I am - and crucially, gave me strategies to cope with my anxiety.

It's just, when it comes to my marital issues, I'm a bit questioning as to how it will help me going forward. I think I know where mine and DH's problems lie, and I'm slightly concerned that if I'm the only one willing to address them in any capacity through therapy, how will that ultimately help?

I'm personally always really happy to talk things through 😂 - but time and money are an issue, and I would love to hear HOW this helped anyone who was in a similar place? x

Yes, individual therapy can help tremendously. My experience is not so much in relation to my marriage (dh and I very happy, no issues there), but in terms of my family. Due to various complicated and dysfunctional dynamics in my family, I requested that my mum and I do family counselling together to deal with a very difficult situation so that I could move forward with a decision about whether we would be NC/whether she'd have any relationship with my dc in the future. She refused. Doesn't believe in therapy. It was a hill she was willing to die on. If it meant she'd never see her grandchildren again, she was happy with that decision as no way would she ever talk to anyone about anything. I had individual therapy myself and it was incredibly helpful.

I was able to develop a lot more insight on the dynamics in our relationship, why I am the way I am, why she probably is the way she is, what I needed from her (she wasn't willing to give it, but at least I was clear what my needs were), and it was incredibly validating. It's very easy to believe that our relationships are normal and healthy even when they aren't, simply because it's all we know and we don't often shine a light on them. But being able to open that up and talk it through with someone else really helped me to see where the issues were and how I wanted to address them.

Obviously, when there is two of you, it takes two to tango. And this goes for a family member as much as a romantic partner. I couldn't move forward and heal the relationship because my mum wasn't willing. I don't mean she wasn't willing because she wouldn't go to therapy, though that was part of it, but that she just would not look in the mirror at all or admit anything was remotely problematic about her very concerning behaviour. So ultimately I did end the relationship and we are NC. But I feel really reassured that this wasn't a flippant decision. It was really well thought through, I sought help and advice, and I feel much happier now as a result. I was definitely hugely beneficial to me.

@mindutopia - thank you so much for your wise words and insight. Interestingly I also have a very complicated relationship with my mother and this is one of the things that my first round of therapy helped me to understand and process. (Sadly I also had to go NC with my mother - so you really have masses of understanding from me. It's very hard indeed, but there we are.)

Anyway, looking at it in the way you've described your own experience here is really helpful in terms of seeing clearly why therapy would hopefully benefit me, even if DH refuses to change and move forward. Thank you so much.

Anyone else's stories or experience, I would love to hear them xx