Please need advice

[handholdneededx]

Sorry for long post!

With DP 13 years and 2 dc. I'm exhausted of living in an environment where it's constantly always mine and our DC's fault for everything that goes wrong. I'm exhausted and working full time, I feel much happier when it's just me and my dc at home when he's out.
He can get angry and name calling to myself and our eldest. Our eldest suffers with anxiety and mental health issues and has bad impulsiveness which we're starting to get help with but he's only a child! He'll call myself and DP names and say stuff and is sorry immediately after but that's met with his dad saying horrible stuff back to him and threats to smack him. Then when I step in I'm called all sorts cNut, s!ut you name it! It's all our fault he's going to have a breakdown we'll be the death of him! I tell him to leave we don't want him here but he refuses to go and goads me, says I've to make him and gets comfy. Can I call the police, will they do anything? We're in a council house but it's my name on the lease and he is only on the rent does this make a difference?

When things are great I feel bad and questioning maybe I'm the problem here? I hate the thought of sex recently and he still insists and keeps going at me till I give in. Always touching me up as well all day which I say no to, which now our child is copying doing!

Im told I'm lucky he's with me and I'll never find anyone who will want me. He could have someone tomorrow and apparently has a few he could be with now if he wanted to!

Please help I feel weak and useless!

"I'm exhausted of living in an environment where it's constantly always mine and our DC's fault for everything that goes wrong"
That sentence alone is enough for anyone to either stand up for themselves and say enough is enough and change the dynamics of the relationship or just end it! If he is god's gift and he can have someone else tomorrow, good riddance !

Once again something you said " I feel much happier when it's just me and my dc at home when he's out." Even if his words are true which I can assure you that they are NOT, You are much happier without him than with him !

He sounds horrible. He doesn't respect your boundaries regarding sex and touching which is very concerning behaviour. I imagine your children feel happier when he's not in the house too. It sounds like you want him to leave so I don't need to tell you you'd be better off without him. I think you know that.

Things may be great sometimes but does that really make up for the shit times?

I think you should ring Women's Aid to get advice regarding the housing situation. I'm not sure the police will do anything if he lives there and isn't posing a physical threat, but I believe it puts you in a good position if it's your name on the lease. Certainly WA will be able to give you some practical advice in that regard.

Thank you for replying.

It's hard to leave, how do I leave when my child is told it's his mothers fault for this I'm a homewrecker for breaking family up? We won't be together because of me it's breaking my heart! Apparently he's only with me still because we have DC

Sadly that's a tactic they all use. The children might believe him at first, and yes, it is heartbreaking and it's unjust. But when they're older they'll understand the truth. In the long run you'll be doing the right thing for them, and one day they'll be thankful you left. I know it really isn't easy though.

When it's going ok now how do you move forward with it.. I think I keep making excuses to delay as I'm terrified if I'll end up alone

Bump 😞

It does make it difficult to leave when things are going okay. It's called the cycle of abuse. They have to treat you well sometimes so you feel unreasonable for even thinking about leaving. But you have to focus on the bigger picture. The way he treats you and your DC is unacceptable. Being nice to you sometimes doesn't make it okay. Even if things are going okay at the moment, you know it's not going to last. Do you want to spend your life treading on eggshells and fearing the moment things go south again?

Also, being alone is better than being with an abuser. You said yourself you feel happier when he's out of the house.

You are probably trauma bonded with him. Which means that even though you know he doesn't treat you right and doesn't make you happy, you feel tied to him in a way that's hard to break. When we're caught up in the cycle of abuse, it becomes like an addiction waiting for the good times again. That's what makes it hard to walk away. I think recognising this is the first step to breaking the cycle.

Thank you yellowsmileyface!
I know, I keep thinking maybe I'm over reacting and I'll be the bad guy. When I've asked him to leave previously he kept telling DC I was breaking up the family causing our child to be upset so I had to go with it as they were in a state not wanting him to go!

Had a really shitty day today. Called all sorts over nothing, trmp, c*nt told social services would take DC if he wasn't here. Wouldn't leave and police I don't think will do anything as it'd be classed as family matter would it?
Then he keeps apologising thinking I should accept it, it's a different sorry to before!