I don’t know if I should leave my partner

[sufz]

we have been together for 3.5 years and he’s raised my son as his own. Unfortunately he has traits of a narcissist. For example I tried to get onto Facebook for the first time in years to donate to my mums fundraiser and I forgot to deactivate again as I don’t use it and don’t have any interest in Facebook.

he phoned me to say I was still on it and after checking I said oh yeah so I am that’s strange blah blah I thought I’d deactivated it again. Anyway he then asked why I’d felt I had to go on to donate and not just give her cash- I said because I wanted it to come from me straight to her page. Surly you’d think it was left there but it wasn’t he then went on to question again about why I cared it coming from me so much why did I care what others can see or think etc etc. I made a comment about how I’m not on any socials and you’d think it was me who’d maybe get a bit paranoid well all hell broke lose because of the word ‘ paranoid ‘ he phoned me back shouting and swearing at me and I had to hang up because my little boy was there. We then didn’t talk the rest of the day until later but when we did talk he was still saying he didn’t have anything to apologise for etc, this seems so fucking pathetic now I am writing it for others to read and advise but my point is the argument went from 0-100 and now we are talking about weather or not to continue the relationship. We both have separate issues but he’s asking me not to give up on him.

otherwise my partner is kind, caring and very helpful he helps around the house he would do anything to see me happy but he just does have these narcissistic ways and traits that cause major arguments.

I am very reactive and emotional.

#HELP

there is no "otherwise" if your partner calls you shouting and swearing over use of facebook. No, he would not do anything to see you happy - only things that he thinks are acceptable. He is what he is - a paranoid bloke with a violent temper.

you can absolutely give up on him because the only way this can be resolved is if he agrees he was out of line and actively works on his behaviour. If he won't, then the cycle will just continue

Thank you so much for your reply- see he has now said all the im sorry it’s out of order etc etc I’ll do everything I can to change it and not be like that and everything you’d ‘ want to hear ‘ but I forgot to add like he was only just back in the door like I had previously split up with him and he put in about 4/5 weeks of solid grafting and efforts to start to make changes and he did win me back I got back to a place of ok this is good and going to work….. and then THAT! because of bloody Facebook ( rolls eyes )

also my friends and family do not support the relationship anymore they have seen me cry more than enough times and now are like enough is enough.

I feel like I can’t leave like I’m unable to leave for some reason and I don’t know if it’s sheer stupid or pure unconditional love.

neither - this is just how emotional abuse works. the extreme highs and lows, and a sense of guilt when you are trying to leave

that "otherwise" is what makes people stay in toxic relationships - but as soon as things settle, people like this go back to their regular behaviour

Thank you..

I am very reactive and emotional.

Are these your words or his? They set you up to react to their behaviours so they can then say you're to blame.

I don't normally say LTB straight out but yes, you should. I know it's difficult, I know the good times are what keep you there but they are just a tool that your abuser is using, they're not real. This is only going to get worse, he is only going to work on you until you are a shell of your former self. Your child is seeing this as how relationships should be. Please speak to Women's Aid, as soon as you can

Thanks for your reply- I feel like I’ve gone through a million emotions since Thursday and one of my friends is telling me that I am in an abusive relationship. I don’t know why it’s so hard to leave but I do know I don’t want to break my child. He absolutely has to come first.

@sufz you're right about that - your son should come first. As time goes by and your kid will grow, he too will experience the same treatment. He will do things that will annoy your partner and lead to the same outbursts - and its your job to prevent it from happening.

Btw, there is nothing wrong with being emotional, but abusers love to use this argument to undermine their victims

The point missed here is it isn’t about fb it’s about isolation .. you can absolutely have an active fb but have no interest . I have instagram never look at it but it’s my decision because I am an adult.

A hv once said to me an abuser will do the minimum to restore the status quo.. it seems this is exactly what he has done .

I don’t know why it’s so hard to leave

It's because the cycle of abuse is working. If he was horrible all the time you'd have been out the door long ago. The good times are SO good, that's what gives us hope. That hope is futile.

I'm sorry you're going through this, it's horrible but the peace and tranquility on the other side will be worth it