What happens to the house?

[Fortboyard]

Asking for a friend here. He’s heartbroken that wife wants to divorce. No one else involved, apparently she just doesn’t love him anymore. They have 2 dc. She earns more than him. He works full time but takes a lot more domestic/parenting responsibilities. She has always been quite a difficult person and a demanding, high maintenance partner. I’m pretty certain she’s emotionally abusive.
It seems that she is expecting to stay in the house and that he will move out but how would that work for him? Does he effectively get chucked out? She wants him to get a tiny flat but obvs he will need 3 bed house for him and dc. It would seem natural that share would be at least 50:50 as he already does more than she does for kids.
I think she wants him in this little flat and coming to “her” house to see dc so then she can expect him to continue to do the bulk of domestic/family responsibilities as he does now. This seems incredibly unfair to me. She can’t just basically chuck him out, keep their house for herself? Surely it’s only right that he is enabled to start a new life and set himself up with a home where dc can live with him 50% of the time. She seems to think that he just goes away and there won’t be any financial implications. She won’t talk to him properly about how this could work out. Ironically gets accusatory/defensive to shut him down when he tries to discuss it. Friend is struggling to figure out how to move forwards.

well she will need to buy him out if she wishes to remain in the house. No way should he be going over and doing chores. He’s entitled to his share or the family house so he can get a home for his kids too

Has he spoken to a solicitor?

Unless they're able to reach a mature agreement, the house will be sold and they'll both end up renting, paying a hefty amount ti a solicitor for the privilege.

He gets 50% of the equity in family home.
And he needs to negotiate seeing the kids and maintenance.
Basically he needs to get a backbone, a good solicitor and accept that during this process his STBXW is not his friend.

He will need time to be able to work as well as her. Sounds like she will try to say she has the kids 50% if the time but won't do 50% of school runs, holidays, medical etc.

No solicitor yet, I’m trying to encourage him to see one.

I think he’s hoping she’ll be reasonable but over all the years I’ve known them (him longer than her) I’ve seen her repeatedly get very weird about stuff and incredibly stubborn and intractable despite her position being totally illogical. I don’t think there’s much chance of her being reasonable unfortunately and I think he needs to prepare for that.

He doesnt automatically get 50%

as they are married he is entitled to a fair share of ALL marital assets
thst could be more or less than 50%, especially if he has higher needs ( eg lower earnings and takes on more childcare) and there will be many factors that determine what ‘fair’ looks like in the eyes of the law

there will need to be full disclosure of all assets and they’ll need to agree a split based on principles of the law not what she says. If he has the children 50:50 his housing needs are the sane as hers and as mortgage raising is possibly lower might have a claim to more than 50% of any equity

in the meantime he absolutely must not move out and he needs legal advice and to start reading up!

For the vast majority of people divorcing assets are based on need. Very few people have more than enough to fund anything else.

Need is primarily housing and is based around the size of a home and it’s location (near schools is the usually the determinant). If they share parenting as most people do their housing need will be the same. It doesn’t matter if they spend more nights at one home, they need the same number of bedrooms.

The split of assets will award a lower earner more equity because they won’t be able to borrow as much for mortgages or fund as much rent.

Basically the divorce will primarily seek to ensure both parents are housed equally and split assets in favour of lower earners.

He shouldn’t move out until or unless the finances are settled. However these situations can be volatile and he should whether it is healthy for him and the children to live in this environment.

He should keep a record of the parenting he is doing if he thinks he is doing more than 50%.

It's not a given that he moves out. Can they have separate rooms in the same house while it is sold?

50:50 for marital assets is the starting point, not an entitlement, as PP said.

If she is as unreasonable as you say and is used to getting her own way court will be the only option.

My worry for him is that she currently believes that she’ll be able to stay in the house and he pays for his own small accommodation (probably renting). Fortunately, they both have good jobs but even so there will be two households to run out of the same income. She just doesn’t seem to have any grasp of what this is going to mean for them financially and it’s going to be a nasty surprise. If he suggests that they might need to sell the house I think she’ll get extremely difficult and emotional even tho the spilt is 100% her choice.

Be wary of the ignorance, she may know what she is doing. I had this with my wife who was abusive and acted in a similar way, didn't seem to understand how all this would work children or house wise and wanted to have the benefit of marriage without being married. I was to continue being a puppet, provide for lifestyle etc.

Now, she has taken everything from underneath me, the money, house and is withholding the children who I have had no contact with for five months.

Co-parenting was never on the table, she wants it all and to start a new life.

He needs to detach from her emotional state and anger at what divorce means for her. This is for her friends and lawyer to explain. It’s not his role and he shouldn’t engage directly in debates about who gets what. That should be done via mediation and ultimately lawyers.

He can assert himself by suggesting they start mediation to resolve the immediate issues and start working towards a divorce. There is no value for him to debate or discuss her made up assumptions about what she will get from a divorce. She will be the one wasting money and emotional energy on that.

He needs at least a one off meeting with a solicitor to know his rights.

Usually the house is either sold or one half buys the other out but there are slight variations with abuse/young children which is why it's essential he talks with a solicitor.

I’m advising him to be wary. I think he needs to have a proper plan for the benefit of them all. I can see her dragging it out tortuously (she has form for this sort of thing in a legal matter completely unrelated to my friend). I’m fairly confident she doesn’t want to keep the kids away from him but she definitely wants all the benefits of marriage without being married and can already see her trying to manipulate him and gaslight him.

In the short to medium term, since she's the one who wants a divorce, his position should be it's on her to move out if anyone does.
For now, separate rooms if at all possible.

unfortunately she is making it really unpleasant for him to be in the house.

This is literally what solicitors are for op.

To work out what's fair, who needs what.

I'm slightly blown away that both you and your friend think that something will definitely happen because of what his ex wants or believes.

There is only one thing to do in this situation. See a solicitor.

Yes, she won’t even talk sensibly at all about how the future might look. You’d imagine she’d have a plan when it’s all her idea. I think that is actually an emotional
abuse technique. She keeps making comments like asking why is he looking so miserable (answer: because our marriage is over) or she’s demanding why he hasn’t made her dinner to come home to (answer: because our marriage is over)

My ex dragged things out, refusing to respond to legal letters etc. In the end I took it to court he had to answer then. That may be the way to shorten the process.